Page 2 | To ask if you'd move a partner you'd only seen a handful of times in?

RainbowBriteUk · 2021-11-07T14:49:10+00:00

Without asking your adult daughter (still living at home) how she felt about it? So, the main bit of the story is when I was still living at home in my early twenties, my mum moved in a man she had met a few times. They'd met online and communicated long-distance. I wasn't consulted at all. I eventually managed to move out but i'm still so angry. He changed my mum and was awful to me. They literally ignored me when I was there. There was other things too but I can't comprehend how someone can move someone in so easily without the agreement of her own daughter then put the new husband first.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/11/2021 15:39

It's fucking awful behaviour and I would struggle to get past it. Even as an adult its incredibly inconsistent.

I simply cannot comprehend the mindset of moving someone in who you have barely met tbh. Cohabitation is so risky, particularly where there are children involved: why would you put yourself through this? To be honest I think women with children who would move a partner in in a way which would disrupt or disturb their children occupy a special place in hell and if their children don't forgive them for it then that's on them.

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 15:42

I am struggling to forgive her especially since it's more than 10 years down the line but he still refuses to talk to me. My mum simpers away at him. If I bring anything up with her about him it's all turned back on me or i'm told 'it's just his way'. I would never let my man ignore my child or have them feel they don't belong in their own home no matter what age they were.

OP posts:

Classicblunder · 07/11/2021 15:43

@LetHimHaveIt

No. Women - and I've seen them on here - who prioritise their fannies over their children, infuriate me. I feel very sad for you that your mum did it.

But the OP was well into adulthood, not a child.

It doesn't sound well handled but I also think the OP sounds a bit over involved like she thinks she ought to have veto power over her mother's love life

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 15:47

@Classicblunder I don't, but I do feel I should have a bit of respect from both of them and that hasn't happened.

OP posts:

Moonface123 · 07/11/2021 15:50

Its such high risk, the media is full of horror stories.
l decided eight years ago to keep it just the three of us, after my husband died. l have never regretted it, and l love having my own space, l have absolutely no desire to share my home with a man again. l couldnt stand having another man trying to parent my teenagers and there is no way on earth l would want to be a step mum. Our Life is calm and peaceful, l am very thankful for that.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/11/2021 15:52

I wouldn't, but it does seem to be very very common on here to move men in that you really don't know very well. The relationship thread is full of them. Single mums are a soft target to be honest.

iolaus · 07/11/2021 15:57

I wouldn't move someone in I'd only met a few times - however my adult daughter wouldn't be consulted about it either

If I was at the point of wanting to move a partner in, an adult child living in my home would be told I was thinking about it and then whether or not it was happening - I wouldn't be asking their permission

FlowerFlour · 07/11/2021 16:04

Did you have another thread recently about your mum selling all your childhood possessions and giving all her money to this man, even though you were living in poverty?

If so, you received a lot of feedback on the last thread where we all agreed that your mum was the problem and she badly let you down. I'm not sure making lots of threads about the same issue is helpful; your mum sucks, we can all agree on that. Perhaps you could get some therapy to talk it through with someone in more detail? Venting on here is all well and good, but it's no substitute for proper therapy to come to terms with your (very justified!) feelings about your mum and her awful husband.

Original poster

RainbowBriteUk · 07/11/2021 16:10

@FlowerFlour Yes, I did. I'm struggling so much with it lately.

I'm depressed too and feeling very down so it's been very much on my mind. I can be OK all day then the feelings of anger come along.

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 07/11/2021 16:20

I wouldn't. But that's because I'm not desperate for a bloke and I would want to know someone much better than that before I decided I could live with them.

I wouldn't base my decision on what a DC in their early 20s felt about it, however. She didn't need your agreement or approval. You were an adult and could choose to live independently at that age. Whether you like the man or not, or whether you think he treats your DM well is irrelevent, really. They are still together so the relationship has clearly survived.

You need to let this go - you're still obviously brooding on it and considering yourself hard done to.

FlowerFlour · 07/11/2021 16:24

Your mum let you down. She prioritised her new husband over you, her own child. She let you live in abject poverty but as soon as he came along suddenly she found the money to treat him. It's perfectly OK for you to feel angry, sad, furious and betrayed about this.

If I remember correctly, you are still very close to your mum, so there's a conflict in your mind between maintaining a close relationship with her and knowing that she treated you so shabbily. This internal conflict will be causing you stress.

Please find a therapist to talk about this with. Your feelings are valid, you just might need a professional in real life to walk you through all your experiences so you can come to terms with it. Your work might have an Employee Assistance Program that offers therapy, or you can ask your GP for a referral, or go private if you can afford that. There's also a good book called 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' that might help you.

Good luck

ChargingBuck · 07/11/2021 16:25

@RainbowBriteUk

I am struggling to forgive her especially since it's more than 10 years down the line but he still refuses to talk to me. My mum simpers away at him. If I bring anything up with her about him it's all turned back on me or i'm told 'it's just his way'. I would never let my man ignore my child or have them feel they don't belong in their own home no matter what age they were.

Rainbow, I have little of comfort to add, but a PP round these parts a couple of years back minted a phrase I have never been able to forget -

"Simpering dickpanderers"

so I offer it to you now as some small amusement or ammunition :)

Your mother's a twat about this, but look at it this way - you've learned from her example, & will never make the same mistake.

skybluee · 07/11/2021 16:27

I think it would depend how far away they lived. If they lived in another country it's pretty much impossible to avoid this, as you'd end up moving in after only having met a few times.

To me that's not the issue at all - it's her behaviour towards you, and his rude and horrible behaviour towards you. That shouldn't have happened. :( :(

ChargingBuck · 07/11/2021 16:28

It doesn't sound well handled but I also think the OP sounds a bit over involved like she thinks she ought to have veto power over her mother's love life

So enlighten us all with your wisdom @Classicblunder - how would you deal with your mother's new partner, who has refused to speak to you for 10 years?

FFS, it's the partner here who is vetoing relationships.
He has stepped between a mother & daughter to cause discord.

CtrlU · 07/11/2021 16:28

I could never

ChargingBuck · 07/11/2021 16:30

If I was at the point of wanting to move a partner in, an adult child living in my home would be told I was thinking about it and then whether or not it was happening - I wouldn't be asking their permission

But I'm sure you'd be kicking that partner back out again, if he refused to speak to your kids for 10 years @iolaus? No matter what their ages?

washingmachines4 · 07/11/2021 16:38

It isn't acceptable. Your Mum shouldn't have done that (I imagine she had very low self esteem and was vulnerable to get into this situation). I know someone who did similar and their children were hurt emotionally and physically because of their mothers bad judgement.
His behaviour is awful and the fact he is still like it 10 years later is worse.

Try not to allow it to get you down. She made her decision, you are a grown up who is now in control of your own life. Make better decisions for your life than she did and find ways to engage with her that make you happy if you can that don't involve him. You are independent and free of this stuff, don't let the past hold back your future happiness, you do have the control to move forward even if you can't forgive or forget.
sorry this happened to you

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/11/2021 16:47

Not when I had children to consider, no.

DilemmaDelilah · 07/11/2021 16:51

It was her choice to do something that was possibly reckless, but you were an adult so could have moved out..... And possibly should already have moved out. I would imagine (however feel free to correct me) that you were not asking permission from your mother to go out in the evening, to stay out overnight, to have boyfriends etc. Perhaps she didn't feel it necessary to ask another adult living in her house whether she could live her own life as she wished - whatever stupid decisions she chose to make.

coldwarenigma · 07/11/2021 16:53

I had same but different, DM had a boyfriend from when I was 4 until they married when I was 17, he had not spoken to me more than half a dozen times at that point, and hasn't spoken to except when unavoidable since, I'm 55.

Classicblunder · 07/11/2021 17:06

@ChargingBuck

It doesn't sound well handled but I also think the OP sounds a bit over involved like she thinks she ought to have veto power over her mother's love life

So enlighten us all with your wisdom @Classicblunder - how would you deal with your mother's new partner, who has refused to speak to you for 10 years?

FFS, it's the partner here who is vetoing relationships.
He has stepped between a mother & daughter to cause discord.

I would see my mum on her own every few weeks. I wouldn't make any further effort with the partner.

I don't think this was a particularly sensible decision from the mum, for what it's worth, but I also don't think the mum needed to get the OP's agreement to it. And I guess I also find it interesting that the OP hasn't said anything about being concerned about her mother's happiness or safety or anything, it seems to be more about her mum not prioritising her any more which I think is a fairly natural part of adulthood. Of course, usually it isn't as abrupt as this

userxx · 07/11/2021 17:07

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Not when I had children to consider, no.

Even without a child in tow, it's a hell no!

Yourdeadtome · 07/11/2021 17:11

Its your DM’s life! Your an adult. I’m sorry he was horrible to you.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/11/2021 17:29

I accept that the OP was an adult when this happened but, quite frankly, I also strongly suspect that a woman who moves in a man with whom she's only had an electronic relationship, probably spent her daughter's formative years failing to put her first, too.