Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

That PIL have never met my parents?

53 replies

wineislife21 · 07/11/2021 13:17

DH and I have been together 12 years, married 4. We got married on our own and so our parents never met his in that way.

DHs parents care for BIL who has severe special needs and can be aggressive at times. My parents are split and my mum has remarried.

So to be honest we have kept them apart because it is just much easier that way. Neither have ever particularly complained about it, although my mum once mentioned it and so we felt a bit awkward at the time, but hasn't mentioned it since.

Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 07/11/2021 15:44

Ours met on our wedding day three years ago.

They've never seen each other since! It's fine.

SirensofTitan · 07/11/2021 15:44

I don't think it's something that's reasonable or unreasonable unless you are for some reason actively stopping them meeting.

It's quite normal if the families don't live near each other or have no other connection. It's not a relationship that needs to be forced imo

TheWomandestroyed · 07/11/2021 15:47

Yes in my world it is, I just can't imagine it, I have spent lots of time with my daughters in laws and my sister has with her daughters in laws. The same with our parents, my mother would always host both sets of in laws for Christmas every year.

jjj321 · 07/11/2021 15:52

Mine meet up occasionally for lunch without us. I don't have a big issue with it but it does seem to cause tension afterwards. On my in laws' side as we live near my parents so inevitably they see more of their grandchildren (my in laws lived fairly near but moved 2 hours away). My husband isn't always great at phoning his parents for a catch up so it probably rankles that they hear news secondhand.

My mother then overcompensates for feeling guilty by starting to interfere in our arrangements with my in laws. This is the only thing we've seriously fallen out over as (frankly) it's up to my husband and not her concern.

Hmmm on balance I think it's better when they meet more naturally at joint family events...

RickJames · 07/11/2021 15:53

My mum has met my Pils about 3 times I think. They live in different countries but always send Christmas cards. I don't think they have much in common but always manage to be nice to each other. It's a bit awkward because MIL doesn't speak English and my mum doesn't speak their language - they just chatter on to each other, and do lots of hand gestures. FIL overcompensates by talking really loudly and asking lots of questions about the royal family

NuffSaidSam · 07/11/2021 15:54

@wineislife21

We have 1 DD who is nearly 2, I've never considered doing birthday parties for anyone but friends/family with children. Do people invite the grandparents to parties as well? I'm not sure our house is big enough 😬

Personally I'd invite Grandparents for a first and maybe a second birthday rather than people with kids (because it's all about the adults at that age). But if that isn't how your family works it's fine!

I think it depends very much on where they live.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 07/11/2021 16:00

I'm not married and don't have kids yet, but my dad has met my parents in law a few times, we've taken them out for lunch and dinner together a couple of times, and had them round for Sunday lunch and a BBQ at ours a couple of times with other family. One lives 30 minutes from us, and the other is 15 minutes in the opposite direction.

My brother is separated from his ex, but we still saw his ex PIL fairly regularly while his kids were growing up, at football games, birthday parties, nativity plays etc.

Redjumper1 · 07/11/2021 16:01

My DM and DF met the pil together once and then the FIL a few times (they live abroad). Only met the MIL that one time and my DM thought she was one of the rudest people she ever met so she never wanted to see her again.My Mil thinks they are disgraceful. She visits and expects a meal at my parents house but my DM refuses.

DistrustfulDinosaur · 07/11/2021 16:03

Seems fine to me. Family dynamics can be complicated and so long as your children get to spend time with their grandparents it's not like anyone's missing out. I've never thought about it until now, but growing up I don't remember a time I was ever with both sets of grandparents at the same time.

FilthyforFirth · 07/11/2021 16:04

My parents have met MIL plenty of times, but we have 2 kids and do parties every year and christenings so they know each other well enough. Would never meet up without us though.

Both sets of my grandparents still meet up and my parents have been divorced 22 years!

Fadingout · 07/11/2021 16:06

My parents have met my PIL twice in 15 years I think. MIL isn’t very interested and despite living only an hour from us barely bothers to see us

usernumberno46273 · 07/11/2021 16:08

I'm not married but have been with Dp 9 years. Both my mum and his mum, both remarried so have partner/husband themselves, have met but literally only once or twice. Once at DD's christening a few years ago now and another where they bumped into each other. Both live within 10 minutes of each other.

We do try keep them apart. Only because they are too alike for their own good. Both very competitive and argumentative! Would pretty much compete with each other - it happened at the christening.

When it's our kids birthday we arrange to see them at different times. I just can't deal with then in the same room.

My mum was upset because she added dp's mum as a fb friend not long after we met and she never accepted (didn't know each other at all then). They both think that we see more of the other which is totally untrue

Rosebel · 07/11/2021 16:14

Families are all different. My parents have met my in laws a few times. FIL has passed away but they still see MIL probably 3 times a year (on the kids birthdays). They exchange Christmas cards but not exactly close.

Glitterblue · 07/11/2021 16:17

Mine met PIL for the first time at our wedding. Now we have them all together on Christmas day but that's it.

DogsWithJobs · 07/11/2021 16:25

My DD's inlaws are always trying to force a relationship onto us. We're not interested. They live 3.5 hours away, have different politics, are much wealthier than we are and they take the piss out of our Midlands accents. Just yesterday at one of the DGC birthday parties the MIL was saying "Oh we must have you down to stay" Why, just why?

MsPickle · 07/11/2021 16:30

My parents and MIL met before we married at a lunch and then (plus FIL) at the wedding, were at my son's naming ceremony together but I think that's it. They ask after each other but live in totally different places and have totally different lives. We also live away from both sets so there's no natural overlap.

My DB and SIL bring my parents and her parents together quite a lot as her parents invite mine to parties, they meet up to go out for lunch. My folks find this slightly awkward as they really don't have anything in common apart from their offspring being married and having a grandson they all adore. I'm not hugely keen on my SILs dad as a person, he commented once at a gathering that it was the first time he'd seen me and my sister in forever and we were both a bit taken aback-I just about can fit in my family and friends I like without doing odd duty visits to other peoples parents. I think SILs Dad sees marriage as bringing together families in a more real way than I do. But then I also think he's a very controlling man who prob doesn't like me and my sister much as we don't take that shit from anyone.

NerrSnerr · 07/11/2021 16:33

Ours only met at our wedding. We've been together 20 years. I don't see any reason why they'd ever have to meet again.

Spudina · 07/11/2021 16:33

I’ve been with DH for 23 years. Our parents have never met. There’s no reason to get them together tbh they have nothing in common.

Crumblinginside · 07/11/2021 16:34

Ours met before we married (after we got engaged we invited both for tea) at the wedding and then occasionally at a funeral or dc birthdays but not recently as the parties are not suitable for elderly people now kids are older and it's no longer tea and cake!

HazelandChacha · 07/11/2021 16:34

@Ilikewinter

Mine only met on our wedding day. DM and MIL would ask after each other but didnt meet up again. PILs have now passed away.

Same here. Been married 25 years but there has never been a reason for them to meet DM since our wedding and now PIL have died. DF never met either of them as he was living abroad for my wedding and unable to return.

Topseyt · 07/11/2021 17:15

I think ours met once before our wedding, then at the wedding itself and then at the he children's christenings.

Otherwise, they didn't meet. They didn't get to know each other and weren't all that bothered.

WomanWomenGirlsFemale · 07/11/2021 17:18

I made sure my PIL never met my parents and me and my husband have been together 30 years , my Mum is Canadian and my Dad English and my in-laws were Scottish. My in-laws hated the English so much that it's all they ever talked about when I had the misfortune to be in their presence ,they ignored the fact I was born in Canada and concentrated on the English part of me. All my husband's siblings were the same. I stopped going to visit, thankfully they lived in Scotland and we don't. His parents are both dead now but his siblings carry on the hate fest.

BettyfromBristol · 07/11/2021 17:21

Ours met once before our wedding, then at the wedding and never again. No need, nothing much in common and lived far apart. On the other hand, I know a couple who introduced their parents who immediately all got on really well. The parents go on holidays together, cruises etc.

FangsForTheMemory · 07/11/2021 17:22

One of my friends only met her MIL the week before her wedding. I doubt her parents met her in-laws before the wedding. I don't think it's weird, these days.

SarahAndQuack · 07/11/2021 17:28

DP and I have been together six years, and have a DD who's four, and my parents have never met her dad, and only met her mum once, very briefly. TBH it is much less stress - both DP and I can see the potential for bad things to happen if they did meet! But DP's parents are pretty low-contact anyway. Her dad has never been to our house. I find that more odd.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread