AIBU to want sympathy?

[ArsenalFan2]

I’m really ill - up all night vomiting, stomach pains etc. Will book a test although I’m fully vaxxed. But I soon as I said it to H this morning his first reaction was how it would affect his day. He doesn’t drive so now he’ll have to rearrange things including a visit to his family. I was told -‘ I’m not cross, I’m just pointing out this will impact me too.’ The kids will miss out on an outing too because no one can drive them so I’m guilty about that too . When he gets sick nothing changes, I just step up and do everything.

I suggest he gets an electric bike with room on the back for the kids to sit, then he can take the kids to activities without relying on you.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, he sounds awful.

Him not being able to drive impacts the whole family every single day, as they all rely on you.

What do you get out of this relationship? Does he have any redeeming features at all???

Your husband is an arse. My dh didn’t drive for a long time (medical issues so initially wasn’t allowed and then was reluctant to have lessons as I just drove him everywhere) but once dd came along and I wasn’t going to be available to ferry him around too, he started lessons. He did automatic only and passed within 3 months. Now he insists on driving everywhere! We had a sickness bug last week and it was awful so you definitely deserve all the sympathy

He needs to learn to drive, no excuses.

@ArsenalFan2

Thanks everyone. This thread is very revealing. There is absolutely no way I could challenge him on this which is why I’m on the internet! He would be furious if i dared to suggest he did more. There are wider issues here.

OP, this is very concerning.

I didn’t drive for a long time, so I have a lot of sympathy with non-drivers - what’s easily fine when you’re single or in a couple pre-kids gets to be a PITA once DC are born. I didn’t learn to drive til mine were primary school age BUT

• we lived in a city with excellent transport
• I was always happy to transport them by train/coach etc., even long distances when they were terrible toddlers, and planned my own travel 90% of the time
• my DH drove but was always the deciding person to say no if he didn’t like any plan -otherwise I planned things I could get to/from with kids myself
• all activities or childcare was arranged with my non-driver status in mind (if it was only accessible by car we looked for a different option)
• long-distance trips to see family by car my DH got more leisure time/less childcare duties to compensate for him doing all the driving

Now I drive because where we live I have to, and it gives us more freedom in arranging things like activities- but equally there’s less choice of activity providers than in the city so less options.

Not driving limits family life, that’s inevitable, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT, OP and therefore you shouldn’t feel guilty. Your husband should feel guilty for not being able to do his share.

Sorry you're feeling so sick, and that your H is being a prick. It was sad to read that you can't even have a discussion with him.
Do you live in area without public transport? For someone who doesn't drive, that's not a great choice. If you want to stay with him, maybe you should move somewhere that means he's not reliant on you to transport him.
Meanwhile I think your "anxiety " means that you need to limit your driving so you won't be able to act as his driver. You need to look after yourself and that would include him making his own travel arrangements. Don't take his wishes/ needs into account when making your own plans,so that you are not available at his whim. I know a lot of women almost subconsciously arrange their schedules to take everyone else's needs into account at the expense of their own time/ convenience- make sure you are putting yourself first.

He needs to learn to drive.

You need to have a serious think about staying in this relationship. It sounds very concerning.

Yes surely he could ask some other parents? TBH I am always surprised by MA men who dont drive! It took me 2 attempts to pass my test and I finally passed (after a gap of giving up) on an Automatic car.At the time a few people felt this was a cop out (why?) you can still go from A to B FFS! Electric cars will apparently be easy to drive as an Auto ,so win win.What would happen if you were to divorce? Would he cadging a lift from you!

My dp didn’t drive until we had the kids. He didn’t want to drive, but he knew he had to....so he did.

When you're feeling better, stop driving him everywhere. Remind him he picked his bike and that he felt he doesn't need to drive. Tell him that position doesn't make you his chauffeur.

He sounds like a selfish prick. Stop catering to it.

Urgh how does anyone marry someone who doesn't drive by choice and needs to. I would hate to be someone's taxi driver unless it was absolutely necessary through no choice!
I'm with you.

I honestly would rather be alone than live with this selfish feckless man.

Get well soon!

And for God's sake do not tell him you are feeling a bit better now. No doubt he will expect you to jump out of bed and do everything as normal. You do need to take a leaf out of his book and put yourself first.

@ArsenalFan2

I’m really ill - up all night vomiting, stomach pains etc. Will book a test although I’m fully vaxxed. But I soon as I said it to H this morning his first reaction was how it would affect his day. He doesn’t drive so now he’ll have to rearrange things including a visit to his family. I was told -‘ I’m not cross, I’m just pointing out this will impact me too.’ The kids will miss out on an outing too because no one can drive them so I’m guilty about that too . When he gets sick nothing changes, I just step up and do everything.

Just tell him it’s time he learnt to drive then, and it’s his choice not to that’s impacted on the family today. Not your illness

He sounds very unpleasant and a lazy arse to boot.

@WTF475878237NC

I honestly would rather be alone than live with this selfish feckless man.

Get well soon!

Me too