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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Social side of school getting me down

32 replies

Puddle23 · 06/11/2021 21:05

My first post to see if anyone has any tips or reassurance really.

I've realised lately that my two children DD7 and DD5 never get invited for playdates and my eldest rarely gets party invites, but their peers have been going to and having playdates since preschool.
They're both sociable and friendly from what I've seen and what school reports have fed back. We've done playdates at ours and they seemed to have fun and we've joined some after school activities. DD's are polite and fun girls, which sounds biased but other parents say to me how kind they are etc
The school they are at is quite big and so classes get mixed yearly and some friendship groups have stayed together for years in the same class and others not, I wondered if that was a reason for no playdates because people are already in groups. I've no idea. My DD7 seems to have friends that are all separate rather than a group and I think she's finding that difficult.

It feels like lots of parents are in groups too and myself and DH always seem to be on the periphery of groups...so I can't help feel there is a pattern here sadly but I don't know why, I'm a friendly person who will chat to people at the school gate and mingle at kids parties, I have been involved with community groups previously as well, I try not to be clique as I don't like excluding anyone, show interest in others etc but since my youngest started school I've realised some other mums we used to see when at preschool etc have essentially dropped me socially and I feel pretty sad about it. I have very strong and loyal friendships outside of being a Mum going back decades, so I feel a bit perplexed by it all. I seem to have lots of acquaintance type connections which haven't progressed beyond a quick chat and hello and I guess now a few years into school life they won't.

Sorry for the waffly message, I just feel quite sad for my girls who are missing out.

Thanks for any advice or just kind words 🙂

OP posts:

Rupertpenrysmistress · 06/11/2021 21:12

This is a tough path to negotiate. Have you asked your girls if they have anyone they are particularly friendly with? If so perhaps you could approach the parent and ask if they would like to come over. It is hard initially but it does get easier.

Gandalf456 · 06/11/2021 21:17

Back then, I did initiate a lot of playdates. If you do this, then your children will be invited back.

However, I never developed any meaningful relationships for myself beyond the friendly acquaintance level. It did really bother me at the time and I felt really lonely and as if everyone was having a great time except me but now I put it down to the fact that that's how it is. Mum friends are a bit like work colleagues. I found that those that appeared close drifted apart once the children got to secondary school, too.

Just go with the flow. You are doing better than you think. There are many advantages to not having play dates or parties anyway - e.g. no getting your house messed up and things broken, no bickering, no noise, no awkward acquaintanceships with fellow parents, no navigating differing parenting styles, none of the expense of bigger and better parties as the years go on and deciding who to invite or who not to invite, no children you don't like at your house

DeepaBeesKit · 06/11/2021 21:31

I have very strong and loyal friendships outside of being a Mum going back decades

Sometimes this can be a barrier to making new friends. Have you got room in your life for them? My neighbour moved to our area because she already had a family member and a couple of old school mates nearby. She hasn't really got into the school mum crowd but tbh, her priorities are her existing friends. By contrast I'm a bit more in the thick of it, because I didn't have old mates from school or university and was keen to make new ones. My neighbours kids are lovely and in many ways more sociable than mine, but mine gets invited on far more playdates because I'm friendlier with the mums.

In infants I do think a lot of kids friendships are at least partly driven by their parents friendships.

DrManhattan · 06/11/2021 22:33

Invite some of their friends over for tea / play dates. Or maybe get them involved in some after school or outside school activities.
It's best not to force friendships, they will find their own way xx

Original poster

Puddle23 · 06/11/2021 22:47

Thank you everyone for your kind advice, I'll carry on with playdates at ours and try and go with the flow more. I think in the back of my mind has been the thought of not pushing friendships and letting the girls find their own way, which I think in the long run will be a good thing.

I would agree that maybe I didn't throw myself into school stuff as much as people who moved to the area, although definitely have time for more people in my life, I think I'm a slow burner and get to know people gradually but I found when I became a mum everyone seemed to get on from the off and I would say on reflection I struggled with that.

Thanks all for your advice 🙂

OP posts:

pennysays · 06/11/2021 22:55

Just coming on here to ask what it is you and your girls want.

Do they want play dates? Do you?

Do you want school parent friends?

I think sometimes it’s easy to feel jealous about school parents hanging out together but if you already have good friends and there aren’t any parents you’re that bothered about then maybe you don’t need to chase it.

As for your girls… if you think they’re genuinely struggling with friendships then make a plan for that. This could also involve doing non school clubs and cultivating friendships there.

If your girls aren’t bothered by play dates then again, don’t waste your energy.

Skysblue · 06/11/2021 22:58

It’s hard OP and it takes so much energy and I wish you luck! I’d say for every 6-7 playdates I host, we get invited to one back. Maybe less. DD’s friends adore her but their parents tend to have each made a ‘bestie’ and playdates are greatly influenced by the parent friendships. Plus some mums hate playdates nas just never host. Add in covid and there’s far fewer playdates now too.

All you can do is carry on being relentlessly helpful and friendly and inviting other kids to yours.

Comedycook · 06/11/2021 23:00

Hi op...same situation with me and my dd. She is popular but rarely gets invited to parties or playdates. The parents are quite cliquey and will only.invite a child to a playdate or party if they're friends with the parents. It's pathetic, horrible and has really affected my dds primary years. Sending you much sympathy!

Original poster

Puddle23 · 06/11/2021 23:22

I suppose a lot of my thoughts were around the fact I am friendly and friends with school mums but it either doesn't progress beyond a small chat or we were friends and it's drifted, which happens I get that, or as PP said parents make close friends and that influences the children's social life, it's just a bit tiring and draining when you're not in a close friendship like that if that makes sense. And things are definitely different since covid which i guess doesn't help with playdates etc

As sad as it is that others feel the same it's reassuring to know so thank you

OP posts:

Shergill15 · 06/11/2021 23:35

I'm in a very similar situation OP. Due to my working hours I only do the school run one day a week and I do wonder if this affects things as I miss out on a lot of the school gate chat. A lot of the mums do the same MLM as well so they're a bit of a clique. DD gets invited to whole class parties but when theres a smaller number she doesn't seem to make the cut. Teachers don't raise any friendship/social skills issues and DD generally seems happy enough but I do worry that she'll notice or be more bothered by, the exclusion as she gets older (she's 6 nearly 7 now.)

As far as tips, I'll be watching this thread with interest. For me, I have tried to encourage/arrange meet ups with those I know she is friendly with. I've tried to chat with different mums when I am on the school run as I agree at this young age a lot of the kids friendships do seem driven by the parents. There's a girl who DD was close to at nursery but they went to different primaries, I've kept in contact there for playdates etc. And I'm trying to encourage extra curricular activities to see if that widens her circle a bit

Teenagehorrorbag · 06/11/2021 23:40

Kids that age just do whatever their parents arrange. I'm not sure we had many playdates quite so young, but the school was smaller so most birthdays resulted in whole class parties which were good ice-breakers. Plus the children met up at brownies and swimming and school discos etc.

When the DCs were younger I think most playdates were me and a mum friend arranging to have coffee or go to the soft play. Either a school Mum or one of my established friends. Maybe from 7 we were more guided by the children, but I think it was mostly adult-led until secondary school.

It's so hard and you do worry about your children's social life! Maybe harder at a bigger school - DD was one of only 6 girls in her boy-heavy class - which could be difficult if no-one was your friend I suppose but made it very easy for the Mums.

The dynamics change so much at secondary school that anything you sort now will be irrelevant anyway. But I agree with PPs - invite their friends over, chat to those parents when you see them, and try not to stress. Hope it works out.....

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/11/2021 23:40

Next time they have a birthday throw a party and invite the whole class. Have a play date a week with different children. Hopefully the invitations will flood back in. Sometimes you have to make the first move.....

Autumnleaves4 · 06/11/2021 23:57

I could have written your post and sadly I have 4 teenage children and have had this for 15+ years.

Like you I have friends from uni and work and was always good at making friends in other walks of life but there is nothing as cliquey as the shcol playground. Rest assured it is nothing to with your children and as they become teenagers and children make their own friends I am sure they will have a lot but at the age they are their playdates and parties are sadly heavily based on their parents friends childrens.

Like you I would hate to leave children out, this is a real issue for me and I would bend over backwards to include all children in a group to parties etc but other parents seem to thrive on cliques and power games. I have been hurt over and over again by being excluded from school mum groups and as a full time parent this was hard to deal with as I didn't have a paid job to get job satisfaction or meet other new people.

I invited couples for dinner, Mums for coffees, Mums for meals, it didn't matter what I did I was still left out. I think jealousy is a lot to do with it but the worse is when they pretend to be friendly invite you along a bit (and your children) and then you and your children are then left out once you think you are now friends. I would rather these two faced people would just blank you.

To be honest I wish I'd given up mush sooner and looked outside playground for friendships, I am starting to do this now but it is difficult when you have limited time and all your time is spent around the childrens lives.

Where do you live? I am from the North and now live in the South and think this is also quite a lot to do with it. just not being accepted the same.

Ugzbugz · 07/11/2021 00:52

My DS went after school on play daes but i couldnt do them as worked full time.

TurnUpTurnip · 07/11/2021 00:58

Try having autistic children, mine are NEVER invited to parties or play dates. Ever.

Volhhg · 07/11/2021 01:08

The thing is children's social lives are so controlled now I'm not sure your hands off approach will work anymore. I like the idea very much and that was how my childhood was but sadly it's just not like that nowadays. Where we live children can't really play out alone until a much older age and so they are totally reliant on parents to organise playdates meet up etc. I think most people just approach other people they know and their kids end up playing together more. Also in school there isn't a huge amount of time for child led play where friendships can develop. Do you walk them home from school? Because the walk home from school can be a good natural opportunity for socialising.

Volhhg · 07/11/2021 01:13

And the huge class sizes are not great for children to develop friendships. Classes are usually either 60 so split into two classes that get mixed up yearly. Or 45 that get mixed with other different year groups every year.

HappyDays40 · 07/11/2021 02:46

I actually love being friendly on the periphery of things. No commitment or responsibility and I like to get to know people slowly. Ive got real friends so don't feel need to have mum friends just because they are other parents in school. I just invite children to my house allthe time. Sometimes he gets an invite back and others not. I find ut easier with more kids in the house.
Just go with your own flow Op

Lanareyrey · 07/11/2021 03:01

Hi OP

I’m sorry you feel like this, if it’s any consolation I do as well.

We changed from a small close knit school to a larger school just before COVID (worst timing).

New school is cold and unfriendly, large classes that are mixed up every year, very mixed socioeconomic families etc. There are no parent class reps as we had in our old school, so nobody seems to really know each other. Tried to join the p & c, but wasn’t for me either.

There is a large clique of younger millennial mums who seem to have bonded in kindergarten, and so no chance of breaking into that group (nor would I want to) I have tried asking for play dates with different parents but are generally not accepted and if they are, never reciprocated.

It is very upsetting, but as long as your kids are happy there and they have other friends outside of school, then I wouldn’t worry too much. My oldest who is 9 is just starting to make her own arrangements with friends.

Hope you’re ok.

Lanareyrey · 07/11/2021 03:06

@Autumnleaves4

I could have written your post and sadly I have 4 teenage children and have had this for 15+ years.

Where do you live? I am from the North and now live in the South and think this is also quite a lot to do with it. just not being accepted the same.

Exactly the same experience here to regarding the above mentioned! And also wished I’d given up sooner and saved myself lots of heartache.

Sailorsgirl44 · 07/11/2021 08:30

I used to do quiet a few playdates but have really cut back because of covid. This may be part of the reason.

hangryeyes · 07/11/2021 09:08

My kids go to a big school too, and there isn’t much of a play date culture unless parents already know eachother/kids know eachother from preschool/etc. and it would be rare to invite a child you don’t know otherwise round to play. Obviously COVID hasn’t helped either, as people are keeping to themselves more, there still aren’t many parties and the queuing/one way systems at school cut down on the chatting with parents.
I’ve encouraged my children to have lots of extracurriculars instead to get their socialising. Often when you go to a club you find there are other kids from school there too and then more of a friendship builds that way, and then you get to know the parents at pickups and then the acquaintance builds from there.

pinkblood · 07/11/2021 09:15

My children are like this but they have friends in and out of school so I'm not worried about forcing play dates. Am glad to not host play dates tbh.

notanothertakeaway · 07/11/2021 10:22

At that age, playdates are generally initiated by parents. Agree with a PP that if you hold a whole class party and / or invite a child each week, then the return invites should follow

But, be careful not to project your concerns into your child. They may not mind that they don't go to every party

Oblomov21 · 07/11/2021 10:49

Just carry on doing play dates. If they don't reciprocate, stop.

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