Social side of school getting me down

[Puddle23]

My first post to see if anyone has any tips or reassurance really.

I've realised lately that my two children DD7 and DD5 never get invited for playdates and my eldest rarely gets party invites, but their peers have been going to and having playdates since preschool.
They're both sociable and friendly from what I've seen and what school reports have fed back. We've done playdates at ours and they seemed to have fun and we've joined some after school activities. DD's are polite and fun girls, which sounds biased but other parents say to me how kind they are etc
The school they are at is quite big and so classes get mixed yearly and some friendship groups have stayed together for years in the same class and others not, I wondered if that was a reason for no playdates because people are already in groups. I've no idea. My DD7 seems to have friends that are all separate rather than a group and I think she's finding that difficult.

It feels like lots of parents are in groups too and myself and DH always seem to be on the periphery of groups...so I can't help feel there is a pattern here sadly but I don't know why, I'm a friendly person who will chat to people at the school gate and mingle at kids parties, I have been involved with community groups previously as well, I try not to be clique as I don't like excluding anyone, show interest in others etc but since my youngest started school I've realised some other mums we used to see when at preschool etc have essentially dropped me socially and I feel pretty sad about it. I have very strong and loyal friendships outside of being a Mum going back decades, so I feel a bit perplexed by it all. I seem to have lots of acquaintance type connections which haven't progressed beyond a quick chat and hello and I guess now a few years into school life they won't.

Sorry for the waffly message, I just feel quite sad for my girls who are missing out.

Thanks for any advice or just kind words 🙂

@Autumnleaves4

I could have written your post and sadly I have 4 teenage children and have had this for 15+ years.

Like you I have friends from uni and work and was always good at making friends in other walks of life but there is nothing as cliquey as the shcol playground. Rest assured it is nothing to with your children and as they become teenagers and children make their own friends I am sure they will have a lot but at the age they are their playdates and parties are sadly heavily based on their parents friends childrens.

Like you I would hate to leave children out, this is a real issue for me and I would bend over backwards to include all children in a group to parties etc but other parents seem to thrive on cliques and power games. I have been hurt over and over again by being excluded from school mum groups and as a full time parent this was hard to deal with as I didn't have a paid job to get job satisfaction or meet other new people.

I invited couples for dinner, Mums for coffees, Mums for meals, it didn't matter what I did I was still left out. I think jealousy is a lot to do with it but the worse is when they pretend to be friendly invite you along a bit (and your children) and then you and your children are then left out once you think you are now friends. I would rather these two faced people would just blank you.

To be honest I wish I'd given up mush sooner and looked outside playground for friendships, I am starting to do this now but it is difficult when you have limited time and all your time is spent around the childrens lives.

Where do you live? I am from the North and now live in the South and think this is also quite a lot to do with it. just not being accepted the same.

I'm also in the South, and similar to you have done coffee's and afternoons out with mum's and their children and thought we were friends just to find out later that we weren't as genuinely friends as I thought. I'm also a full time Mum and do wonder if it feels a bigger issue because it is the majority of my week - school runs and after school activities, if I was working i suspect this would be diluted and I'd be less bothered by it. thanks for taking the time to reply I appreciate it

We're in a similar position and like you I'm polite and friendly as are my kids. I found out that during lockdown the dd's class all zoomed each other but we weren't included. So out of 28 kids we were excluded and we only found out accidentally when one of the mums slipped up in conversation. Out of those 28 kids, dd is the only one who isn't white......

I have made an effort to be friendly but my DD was recently excluded from one of her best friends parties...even the child was confused about this. Loads of kids that this child never plays with at school were invited because the mum is friends with their mums.

Luckily this is our last year of primary school and I can't wait to never see some of these women again!

I’ve always felt the same as you OP.

I’m now on child number 3 (he’s 5) and after throwing myself into it with great gusto in a last ditch attempt, I’ve completely given up. I am an outsider and always will be. No amount of friendly smiles, small talk and play dates will change that. I now stay in my car at pick up/drop off.

Far too many times over the years I’ve thought I’ve cracked it, then yet again there’s a get together I’m not invited to.

@Lanareyrey

Hi OP

I’m sorry you feel like this, if it’s any consolation I do as well.

We changed from a small close knit school to a larger school just before COVID (worst timing).

New school is cold and unfriendly, large classes that are mixed up every year, very mixed socioeconomic families etc. There are no parent class reps as we had in our old school, so nobody seems to really know each other. Tried to join the p & c, but wasn’t for me either.

There is a large clique of younger millennial mums who seem to have bonded in kindergarten, and so no chance of breaking into that group (nor would I want to) I have tried asking for play dates with different parents but are generally not accepted and if they are, never reciprocated.

It is very upsetting, but as long as your kids are happy there and they have other friends outside of school, then I wouldn’t worry too much. My oldest who is 9 is just starting to make her own arrangements with friends.

Hope you’re ok.

Thank you for your reply, sounds similar to your school situation, but you're right my kids are happy, our village is quite big and so a lot of activities are very close but I will look into venturing outside the village a bit more to widen their social circle

@Welcometothejingles that's awful your child was excluded from the zoom i'm so sorry, such an unkind thing to do

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply, i'm a bit overwhelmed at how many people feel the same, it's nice to know i'm not alone but it's so sad there are so many of us feeling the same.