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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think it's unreasonable to stay at home at Christmas?

49 replies

Alwaysoffendedneveroffensive · 06/11/2021 18:37

No dramas here personally, but I know quite a lot of people, couples with children, who feel obliged to traipse around every Christmas Day visiting various relatives. Or alternating between each set of grandparents, resenting it the whole time but not wanting to upset parents or in laws.

Does anyone here think that it's unfair/unacceptable for parents with young children to say they're staying at home on Christmas Day and that's that?

OP posts:
DockOTheBay · 06/11/2021 18:41

It wouldn't be for me. I have 2 young kids and can't think of a more boring way to spend Christmas, than in the house where we are every day with the same people. It just wouldn't be special.

But its not unreasonable if thats what you want, just do what you want.

dementedma · 06/11/2021 18:43

We’ve always stayed at home for Christmas, and never done the traipsing round thing. But then we all live quite far apart so just phone each other on Christmas day

elenacampana · 06/11/2021 18:44

I don’t think Christmas at home is a terrible thing if that’s how you want to spend it. Personally, I like going to my in-laws for breakfast and then my parents for the rest of the day, then back to in-laws on Boxing Day. It makes it special for me :-)

hopeishere · 06/11/2021 18:44

We always stayed at home with my mum and dad and still had a lovely day. I've a friend who says hers felt like it was just spent in the car going to relatives.

My sister refuses to go anywhere on Christmas Day. So we pop in to see her.

tigger1001 · 06/11/2021 18:44

We did the going round families thing when the kids were younger and it's tiring and stressful.

Despite everything, Christmas was so much more enjoyable last year when we stayed home. Much more relaxed. Still had mil for dinner but no rushing around everywhere in the morning etc. bliss!

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 06/11/2021 18:45

Not everyone considers visiting at Christmas "traipsing".

I stay at home with an open invitation for anyone who wants to join us. We always have family here but we like hosting. I'm not unreasonable for wanting to stay at home I don't think.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 06/11/2021 18:45

Always stayed at home

I've got prosecco to drink and the kids have got toys to play with

Doofas · 06/11/2021 18:47

We like to stay at home. It feels like much less pressure. Son gets to open and play with presents. Day runs at our pace. Anyone else is welcome. But it is more chilled.

Original poster
Alwaysoffendedneveroffensive · 06/11/2021 18:48

I'm not talking about people who want to go visiting. How you want to spend Christmas is a personal thing.

I'm talking about experience rations.

So for example I know a couple who are expected to visit parents every year. But the parents aren't willing to leave their own house.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 06/11/2021 18:49

The minute I started having small DC my parents and siblings (unmarried) decided that I could cater for everyone. They realised that the last thing small children want to do after opening exciting Christmas presents is to have to go out visiting for the day. In-laws are in another country.

The DC loved Christmas with all the folks coming to us. It wasn't always quite so blissful for me, cooking for the crowd.

Original poster
Alwaysoffendedneveroffensive · 06/11/2021 18:49

Experience rations? Wtf.

Expectations.

OP posts:
CreepySpider · 06/11/2021 18:50

I think that it’s perfectly reasonable for people to do what they want, whether that is visiting, hosting, staying home alone, going abroad alone etc.

user1487194234 · 06/11/2021 18:52

Personally I can't imagine wanting to stay home ourselves
I love seeing family and we take turns to host and share the cooking etc
But I am very close to my family and it's each to their own ,if you want to stay home then do so

Jessicabrassica · 06/11/2021 18:53

No one has invited us for Xmas for years!! We went to my parents the year DD was born. They came to us the following year and mum died the following year. My mil has never invited us for Xmas (in 22 years). She started coming to us alternate years when did asked why she always went to the cousins for Christmas and never came to ours (despite being invited). Post covid she won't come to us.

gloriousgordons · 06/11/2021 18:54

My in laws expect us to go to them every other year (alternate with my parents). They are quite stiff and traditional and as the children are now old enough to create a significant shitstorm, visiting their house full of antique furniture and toy dogs has become stressful and unpleasant and so we've said this year we will host, and then the children can cause as much carnage as they like.

They are currently sulking about it and have flat out refused to come here because they always do xmas at their house... I'm refusing to let the drama get to me because honestly, I'm going to do what is best for us. My parents are looking forwards to not hosting!

LubaLuca · 06/11/2021 18:59

We've always stayed at home because my mum is on her own and we're her only option for Christmas Day (she won't host, she's a horrible cook and her aga is a very expensive ornament that she wouldn't let us cook a roast dinner in). Everybody else is too far away for a day trip, and I'm not giving up the whole festive period to travel and see people who would never be bothered to visit us.

daisybrown37 · 06/11/2021 19:01

My parents did this when me and and my sister was little. However, this was because both Grandma’s lived metres away from each other and therefore you could not see one with out the other knowing! My mum didn’t want us to spend the day packing and unpacking our presents. It was simpler to see neither grandma than upset one. Importantly neither were alone - they had aunts/uncles living with them.

We don’t see my parents Christmas Day as they live 2 hours away and they are happier to come another day and visit and see the boys presents. My husband wants to see his family though, so we always go there (except last year). They are only 20 minutes away though.

BernieBaby · 06/11/2021 19:05

We did it for three years when we first had dc...visited my parents then MIL on Xmas morning/afternoon, alternating lunch.

Then when dc were 4 and 2, my parents split up. So we had three separate visits to make and the day was a fucking nightmare that year.. .we had tired grotty children being dragged from pillar to post and felt like we spent half the day in the car.

We vowed never again and have stayed in our own home every Xmas since.

Both sets of parents were unhappy about it the first year and constantly moaned and bitched in the lead up about not being visited that coming Christmas...until I snapped and broke down in tears at a family party when they were going on and on about it and dh lost his shit and shouted at both MIL and my mum to back the fuck off and stop moaning or it wouldn't be just Christmas they didn't see us on 😂 It worked and now we don't hear any moans at all, 10 years later.

crispsarny · 06/11/2021 19:18

I have no children, husband & I used to make a huge effort, we would do the rounds to parents, grand parents, cousins, friends etc, it was exhausting & expensive, they never once offered to come to us, they didn’t want to shift off their lazy arses. Unfortunately we realised early on that most of our family are ungrateful, grabby, entitled twats, we decided to knock it on the head & have happily been having Christmases at home for years, occasionally a single friend comes to stay with us because we all have great fun together & he isn’t a great big fucking kill joy. I see it time & time again on here people tying themselves in knots trying to please everyone else, spending the whole of Christmas with horrid fuckers who they can’t stand. Not long after killing the yearly traipsing I tried one Boxing Day at the in laws, they spent it arguing, couldn’t even have a drink to help numb the pain as they don’t drink alcohol, was incredibly depressing, never again. My husband & I look forward to our Christmases alone, I can’t think of nothing more shite than to have to spend it with any of our families, arses to obligation at Christmas.

PinkPiranha11 · 06/11/2021 19:21

We do Xmas morning at home. This is despite huge pressure from MIL to go round to hers in our pyjamas 🤨. Background to this is because DSIL stays over at MILs with her kids the night before despite living just two streets away as she can’t imagine not waking up in her childhood bed on Xmas morning - I think that’s a bit weird, she’s almost 40!!!!) We let the kids enjoy opening their presents etc, have a nice breakfast and then we go to MILs (usually) after 12pm.
We hosted it a couple of years ago - never again!!

HikingforScenery · 06/11/2021 19:22

You’ve described our Christmas. We love it 😊

usernumberno46273 · 06/11/2021 19:22

I have posted similar. We are the only family members with kids but expected to traipse traipsing visiting family. I tried to stay at home at Christmas 2019 but family got offended (even though we told them in advance). Last year in 2020 covid was a great excuse to stay home. I loved Christmas last year! I want to stay at home this year too. I have told family, they didn't really say much but I feel like I need to stand my ground. We will still see them around the festive period, just not on the day itself!

By the time we have got up, opened gifts, for ready, visited my family, in laws then get Ds back to see his dad I was usually exhausted and didn't enjoy it at all!

AcrossthePond55 · 06/11/2021 19:23

I don't think it's at all unreasonable, provided the 'older generation' isn't left alone on Xmas Day.

Growing up it was always 'just us' (parents & kids) on Xmas Day with our grandparents every 5 years. There were 5 siblings and grandparents 'rotated' Xmas Day in each household. But all were pretty local so no extensive travel involved, the longest drive for the grandparents was probably 30 miles on the freeway so an easy drive. Once Grandad stopped driving that uncle would go get them or one of the closer siblings would volunteer to have them to save him the trip.

The 'larger' family got together for the 'big party' usually the weekend that fell 2 weeks before Xmas. That was also rotated so Mum only hosted every 5 years. Once Grandad died and Grandma had to go into care the 'big party' was abandoned and the siblings (my mum's generation) got together for dinner (either hosted or 'out') without us (cousin's generation + our kids).

Our DC and my brother come to us (all local). So far so good, but if any of them decided to stay home I'd suck it up and deal with it. In fact, at this point if one of them wanted to 'host' in their own home, I'd jump at the chance and be on my best behaviour!

itssquidstella · 06/11/2021 19:24

We always stayed at home when I was little, and Christmas always felt exciting and magical. We'd go and stay with family from Boxing Day onwards (or at least in the gap between Christmas and New Year). Currently we alternate between staying at my parents' and DH's parents' over Christmas, but when we have DC of our own I'd like to stay at home again!

Tittyfilarious81 · 06/11/2021 19:25

As soon as I had my children parents and inlaws were told if you want to see I'd you come to us I go nowhere Grin