Do you think it's unreasonable to stay at home at Christmas?

[Alwaysoffendedneveroffensive]

No dramas here personally, but I know quite a lot of people, couples with children, who feel obliged to traipse around every Christmas Day visiting various relatives. Or alternating between each set of grandparents, resenting it the whole time but not wanting to upset parents or in laws.

Does anyone here think that it's unfair/unacceptable for parents with young children to say they're staying at home on Christmas Day and that's that?

*us

I fucking hated Christmas as a kid.
Dragged all over the god damn place to see people I didn't know and sit there quietly.whilst my parents chat and drink and have fun.

Nope, nope, nope...
My kid gets to open her presents, relax, have fun, enjoy a nice dinner and chill all day doing whatever she wants.
The door is also locked, no one enters my house, get to fuck all of you.
Christmas day is christmas.day, I'll be damned if I'm working in the kitchen and entertainment ungrateful pissants all day to make other people happy and myself miserable, screw that shite.

(I understand I may be a minority...)

I never understood the need to drive all over the country visiting relatives on Christmas day. Stay at home, have a few drinks and stay in your PJs all day.

I think it's more unfair if you have young kids to go out visiting on Christmas day.

I used to hate having to go out and visit my gp's, I wanted to keep my pyjamas on and play with my new toys, I didn't want to have to wear a new dress and go and sit with adults and a few cousins my age, I used to count down the minutes until we went home.

My Mum's Mum understood this and we'd visit Christmas Eve which was always fun and exciting but Dad's parents insisted we and other relatives go on Christmas Day, I wish my parents had stood up to them and said we'd go on boxing day.

Since having my own kids it's non negotiable, we stay at home on the day itself and have wonderful, cosy, relaxed, family Christmasses and do the visiting on other days.

I think it's more unfair if you have young kids to go out visiting on Christmas day.

I used to hate having to go out and visit my gp's, I wanted to keep my pyjamas on and play with my new toys, I didn't want to have to wear a new dress and go and sit with adults and a few cousins my age, I used to count down the minutes until we went home.

When I was a child some Christmases were spent at home with my parents and brothers, some we and the whole extended family went to my dad's parents. I thought the Christmases at home were really boring and loved the big, busy family do. Last year we spent Christmas just me, DH and toddler DS and I have no intention of doing that again, it was the most underwhelming Christmas I have ever had! We're all different - children don't all want to be at home.

I'd love nothing more than to have a lovely (ish) family to spend Xmas day with!
I'd love for dc to have cousins, I'd happily rotate etc.
Unfortunately, those family members left don't like Xmas on my side and are terrified of spending a penny on anything Christmas wise.

Dh family do like Xmas to a degree but they are the most miserable people, and they also strangely don't like spending a penny on Xmas and we are told how Mil managed to get every thing so cheap for it. So spending it there make me leave feeling terrified about spending.

As a couple, when we first moved in together we started having Christmas Day together just us on our own and it was bloody lovely. We are so busy all year round, shutting the door and doing what we want to do for a few days was bliss, zero obligations or expectations. We now have a DD and have done and will continue to do the same every year, second DC expected in the next few weeks too.

The expectation from in laws is different. Every September they ask if we are “joining in with the family this year” and are terribly disappointed when we say no. It’s been 17 years…. You’d think they’d get the message.

We see everyone over the festive period depending on siblings parenting arrangements and exchange gifts or have drinks but Christmas Day is just for us.

It's not unreasonable. We don't like having Christmas at home without extended family, but if you do then that's fine.

When I was a child we always stayed at home. I loved it. I like staying at home now with my dc.

I totally get that everyone's different and it's a very personal thing. I think for some it's about closing the doors and having a cosy day wheatgrass for others it's about getting together and having a big do.

Neither is wrong. I just wonder why some parents would want to force their adult dc to spend Christmas Day doing it their way, and cause arguments and so on.

It’s difficult if the family are far apart, someone has to travel or be on their own. I totally get wanting to be a nuclear family with your kids in your own house for Christmas, I’d also prefer that but my family are miles away and it isn’t fair to expect them to travel every year. Was particularly hard with three small kids plus clothes plus presents in the car, easier now they’re older and the presents are smaller. I wouldn’t leave the older generation or childless adult siblings alone unless they want to be. The irony is my in-laws who refused to be away from home when their children were small but now expect us there for Boxing Day every year. In summary- it’s ok to consider your own wants but it’s not ok to exclude or ignore others who want to be with you and would otherwise be alone or expect others to travel every year (assuming healthy relationships otherwise etc).

We always stayed home for Christmas; it was often just the four of us, and now sometimes just DH and me. But I'm American; we have Thanksgiving. That's when we go "traipsing."

Did the visiting for a few years and I HATED it. Kids hated it, they didn't want to leave their toys and it was just a pain in the hole. I decided one year we were going to stay put, it went down like a shit sandwich with the in laws and my parents but we had a lovely, family Christmas without the rushing around from house to house...and it's been like that ever since. Like the lady above, zero obligations is just bliss to me.

@Alwaysoffendedneveroffensive

I'm not talking about people who want to go visiting. How you want to spend Christmas is a personal thing.

I'm talking about experience rations.

So for example I know a couple who are expected to visit parents every year. But the parents aren't willing to leave their own house.

Growing up we never ever saw any extended family at all over the whole Christmas period. My mum liked it being just the 5 of us (my parents, three daughters). Never mind that as children who lived quite far from our grandparents and all our cousins, we’d have quite liked to see them, or that my dad might have liked to see his parents and brother, mum wanted just us 5 so that’s what we did. Fast forward to us grown up, woe betide the daughter who doesn’t visit my mother at Christmas. I have a DD, my parents’ only grandchild, and the suggestion that they may not see her on Christmas Day itself elicits weeping and wailing about the importance of the grandparent/grandchild bond. We don’t pander to it, I refuse to travel on Christmas Day itself, so two christmases ago we stayed with my parents a couple of nights, this year we’re staying with PILs. You’d think I’d told my mother they could never see her again which would be an overreaction anyway, but given her attitude to Christmas and relatives when her children were little, it’s unbelievable.

Neither is wrong. I just wonder why some parents would want to force their adult dc to spend Christmas Day doing it their way, and cause arguments and so on.

I obviously agree that no one should be trying to force anyone into anything or arguing about it, but I can also see why some older people would be really desperate to see their adult children and grandchildren at Christmas. My PILs and DPs would be very nice about it but I know they'd be sad. It's not like they lack for quiet couple time, so they're unlikely to crave it at Christmas - and at least they'd have each other in both cases. If you've spent years facilitating big Christmases and including older relatives it must feel quite galling to then realise that you're going to spend your own Christmases alone as you age.

Most people I know who have young children stay at home Christmas Day. I never ever traipsed mine around when they were little.

Dd is 14 now and we've always done Christmas at home. First couple of years the in laws visited for a couple of hours. Then we switched to boxing day. Now they visit for an hour or two Christmas day teatime. My dad used to stay with us over Christmas till he died.
Have never thought of trailing round other people's houses over Christmas.
Each to their own. We have pizza Christmas day when everyone else eats turkey 🤣

When we were younger my family didn’t go anywhere if they had kids, so like grandparents and eventually aunts n uncles with older children came to the younger children. A mutual understanding that small children don’t want to leave all their new cool stuff to go to 6 different houses.

DH’s family are the traipsed ones.. they visit everyone and it fries my brain beyond belief, perhaps it’d be easier with nt dc’s that can handle the noise, lack of structure and loud drunk people..

Put it this way ive bought a dinning table and extra chairs. I’m not doing it ever again

I don’t mind going before or after Christmas like one planned visit per day but beyond that I’m carrying a child like a surfboard

@SenecaFallsRedux

We always stayed home for Christmas; it was often just the four of us, and now sometimes just DH and me. But I'm American; we have Thanksgiving. That's when we go "traipsing."

This is very true! T-Day is when a lot of families go 'over the river and through the woods'. IIRC it's the busiest travel time of the year in the US.

We traipsed as kids and I absolutely hated it. So we don't traipse. We do have family over if they want though.

To be honest I can’t think of anything worse than dragging kids here there and everywhere when all they really want to do is stay home in their pjs and play with their presents. When I was growing up the adults without young kids always went to where the children were there was no dragging us kids about. When a guy I was dating wanted to fuck about getting up stupidly early every Christmas Day to drag tired kids that just wanted to chill with their stuff around to dozens of houses in a day which was super stressful and only ever included his family I started working Christmas instead as I figured if I couldn’t have a lie in and relax on a rare day off I may as well be at work earning good money and I would take my kids with me and they’d have a fun day there instead then we’d go to my sisters for dinner on our way home. This year me and my youngest are staying at home in our pjs watching Christmas movies with no interruption from anyone its gonna be bliss. We’re even contemplating having a BBQ!

No big deal just to phone relatives on Christmas Day and chat. I prefer peace at home with minimal faff cooking only for immediate family.

I'm very much "do what makes you happy".
I grew up with an abusive mother, a depressed father who died when I was 18 (cancer, not depression) and after that every year we were expected to go to my mother's house for Xmas day.

Now i am n/c with her, and I enjoy Xmas day with my husband and my child. My own family.

We typically tend to invite people we know will be alone for Christmas, ends up being a big "family" thing.

I think people should do whatever makes them happy at Christmas and not be guilted or pressured into visits or visitors. If a family want to stay at home, watch Christmas films and let the kids play with their gifts then they should do so. We stopped doing the parents and in law visits when the children were small and just stayed at home so we could relax and let the little ones play with their toys.

We spend it at home together. We don't get many days together at home, so it is a special day for us to do things together. Other than cooking Christmas dinner, there are no other chores, just PJ's, chocolates, TV, games and fun.