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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pub after work…

34 replies

Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:11

Long thread and sorry for the first world problems…

Partner runs own business in building trade, finishes between 4-6 most days. One day a week him and one of the other blokes who he’s good friends with go to the local, have 2 pints and come home so he’s there no longer than an hour. Gets on with owners and locals and has become a regular in there.

Now sometimes this happens an extra couple of times through the week, if they finish early or some reason or other.. again in there no longer than an hour and he’s back to help with tea etc.

We have 2 DC (6 and 1) who are relatively easy and I’m still on mat leave so I can do picks up for school and football clubs for older DC.

The thing that annoys me is why does he not feel the need to just come home and be with us? Today he’s been at work and instead of just coming home he’s popped to the pub for a “quick one” he always says about he can’t wait to come
Home to us be in our happy place etc etc so I just don’t get it. I’ve mentioned it before and said look I honestly don’t mind the once a week but multiple times is just annoying. And he said he’s keep to the once a week.

For context I go out with my friends once/twice a month for a meal and we do other things during days off in the week, he will go on organised nights out for occasions won’t just go down the pub on a Friday for the night type of thing.

Am I turning into a crazy bunny boiler?!

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 06/11/2021 15:15

Does he drink and drive then? He is BU for that if he does - side note.

Had he got a drink problem? Sometimes it's more of a habit than anything else and he just needs that down time break before coming home. Having been on mat leave and been at home I know how you feel but once you're back at work you probably won't feel so strongly about it as it won't be so noticeable. I think if you want to combat it though maybe you should start meeting up with someone/going to a class etc so he has to come home and look after the kids whilst you go out twice a week and then he can go to the pub twice a week maybe so it's more fair?

Notimeforaname · 06/11/2021 15:21

My partner's boss never wants to go home when they finish early. It's just him and my partner all day,construction also.
The man never wants to go home,they dont go to the pub but he will always find a reason to pick up something that isn't necessary or drop something off and generally faff about til normal home time
.
He says he cant be arsed getting in early as the kids will be 'all over him' and he'll be expected to do more. He wants to unwind after work Hmm

I dont know if that's what your husband is doing or if he just doesn't notice he could be around more/make more of an effort for his family

Notimeforaname · 06/11/2021 15:23

Actually, my friends brother in law is the same. Will find a mate to drop into or something he has to do after work, as often as he can as he 'loathes the bedtime routine'

Original poster
Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:23

He gets a lift usually or if I’m around which most the time I am I pick him up.

He enjoys a drink but I wouldn’t say he has a problem. He never gets drunk around the kids only if we go out just us 2, or he’ll have A couple if we go for food on the weekend or in the house etc.

Yeah I was thinking that, but then I’ll probs feel bad being out twice a week. Can’t win ha!

OP posts:
Aprilx · 06/11/2021 15:25

Well bunny boiler means something else to me. But as far as I can tell you both have some spare time to yourselves, he chooses to do something different to you and I don’t see an issue.

WomanStanleyWoman · 06/11/2021 15:25

You said it yourself - it’s only an hour. I’d find the whole ‘But why don’t you want to be at home with meeeee?’ thing quite stifling.

Does he drink and drive then? He is BU for that if he does - side note.

Where does it say he’s driving? Are you doing the typical MN thing of assuming everyone drives everywhere?

Original poster
Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:26

See if he needs things for work he goes first thing in the morning and hates having to drive around to get bits etc and usually sends one of the other lads so it doesn’t impact on the day and him getting home later in that sense.

When he’s home he’s hands on I suppose but like I say our house is quite laid back we don’t have loads of after school activities and running around to do. Maybe he’s just abit oblivious that he could just come home cause it’d be nice to just have abit more time together of an evening.

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 06/11/2021 15:26

So your objection is purely that you want him at home if he's not at work?

On the face of it you sound a bit suffocating.

ftw163532 · 06/11/2021 15:28

Maybe he’s just abit oblivious that he could just come home cause it’d be nice to just have abit more time together of an evening.

But you're saying the majority of the time that's what he does, and you object to him occasionally prioritising another part of his life for an hour instead.

Original poster
Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:29

I think I needed to hear this! Because if he was saying it to me I’d say the Excactly same. And I’m sounding like one of them nagging moms/partners which I absolutely don’t want to be ha!

I think maybe I need to just carve out abit of me time each week

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 06/11/2021 15:30

I get where you're coming from, but does he spend those couple of hours in the pub talking about work, or networking with other people who might give him work? If so, it's time usefully spent.

Original poster
Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:34

Probably abit of work and just general bloke chat

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 06/11/2021 15:41

When my brothers and a good friend, and myself to a certain extent were involved in the construction industry we all met up in a pub on a Friday after work. They would meet with other construction workers and it was called the 'office'. Much advice, expertise, and prospective jobs would be shared as this stuff was difficult to share if you were working on your own or in a small gang. They even used to do the Christmas office party! IME it was about networking and this may well be what your DH is up to.

DedalusBloom · 06/11/2021 15:41

If he's deliberately missing time at home where he can share the burden of care m/ cooking etc for the children then that's not fair. If he still gets home in time for those chores then meh.

However, if you are pushing the time of those chores back to accommodate him being out then you need to have a word.

TaraRhu · 06/11/2021 15:44

I think it's fine that he goes for a couple of drinks so long as it's not too often abc you get the same opportunities he does. But I get why you feel the way about it. I think you are highlighting the difference between many men and women. Given the choice my husband would choose the pub / work over us. His priorities are different from mine. He sees going to the pub as a part of 'work' - socialising with his colleagues/ being popular. He doesn't feel guilty about it. Where as I feel like I'm skiving if I go for a drink. I feel like I'm giving him extra work, that my kids miss / need me and most of tge time I don't do social stuff after work. My family are my priority. I honestly think this is part of the reason men's careers are more successful as they are able to do social stuff and network guilt free. I should say that I have a fab husband who doesn't take the piss and does his fair share. But ge is completely able to separate home other aspects of his life. He doesn't do anything home related at work. Fir instance he won't take 5 mins to arrange a gas fitter to check the boiler ' in work time' and expects me to do that sort of thing and it's more acceptable for a woman to do that at work than a man. He also doesn't like to loose face with his friends and when he does go out he's often tge made man standing. He just doesn't think like me at all. It does cause some arguments tbh

Original poster
Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:45

We usually eat later than the kids anyway so I would’ve probably done their tea before/as he’s coming home

Don’t know if I’m nit picking or I have a point :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Hownowbrowncow1 · 06/11/2021 15:51

Yeah I can relate to a lot of this, he sorts house stuff as he’s in the trade but as I’m part time (currently on mat leave) I sort everything for the kids because I’m ultimately not running a business and he is the main earner.

It just highlights the real differences I think

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 06/11/2021 15:57

Well, you did ask , and kindly yes you do sound a bit full on!

GrandTheftWalrus · 06/11/2021 16:39

My dh never goes to the pub after work (mainly as he's constantly nightshift) however if he did I wouldn't have a problem as sometimes when he's working and I'm child free I'll go for a pint or 2 on my own with my book. I love chilling and people watching.

He done it once when I was working and text me to hurry up and come to the pub as he didn't like being there alone lol.

As long as he's helping at home I'd leave him to it.

Userg1234 · 06/11/2021 16:40

What you seem to be saying is you dislike the fact that he needs the company of other people than you.
I am like your DH in that I am a regular in a pub, know everyone, every one knows me. Very cheers like.
I don't come home late, or drunk... but relaxed full of fun and gossip...

Cocomarine · 06/11/2021 16:50

The “can’t wait to come home because home is our happy place” sounds… well, just bloody weird, if I’m honest!

And that’s coming from him?

Honestly, I think he’s just saying what you want to hear. And that’s not a LTB from me! I think 2-3 early evenings social sessions is just fine. I think it’s suffocating otherwise. Not if he never gave you a total break, not if it ate into the evenings, not if he didn’t pull his wait generally - but from what you’ve described, it’s just nice downtime for him.

I just find the “home is our happy place” the kind of thing a 22yo woman would buy on a cushion from Matalan.

Pinkstegosaurus · 06/11/2021 17:05

I have a DH who does similar and I get it tbh, where is your time to decompress after a long day? Yes, I get that he has a long day at work but he is then choosing to go to the pub instead of coming home to share the load of bed/bath/tea etc. When is our time? Because I know that after I’ve put the kids to bed I’m then catching up on other house admin until it’s time to go to bed…DH does still go but has cut it back to a Friday after work which is fine and something we are both happy with. We did have a long chat to get to this point, occasionally he will go on additional different days but this is by discussion and not assumed - ‘oh I fancy popping by the pub after work today, are you happy with that?’ So it’s not him asking permission because that wouldn’t be great either but it gives me the chance to say ‘actually I’ve had a shit day today and I’m barely holding it together, please can you swerve it and come to relieve me for a bit.’

Pinkstegosaurus · 06/11/2021 17:09

Sorry op, I have probably slightly different views to others on the thread and feel like I have totally offloaded onto you 😂 definitely get how you feel though!

DillonPanthersTexas · 06/11/2021 17:09

You do sound a bit needy. Once a week for a few pints is hardly extreme. Surely the time you spend twice a month going out with friends for dinner amounts to more time then he spends in the pub.

icedcoffees · 06/11/2021 17:12

he always says about he can’t wait to come home to us be in our happy place etc etc so I just don’t get it.

That reads to me like something someone is saying because it's what they think the other person wants to hear, to be honest.

That said, I don't think he's doing anything wrong as such.