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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why has my son changed overnight?

33 replies

Needspace21 · 06/11/2021 14:46

He is just 6 years old. He has never once protested about going to nursery reception or year 1 up until now. However, he has suddenly done a massive 180. He is now saying he would rather die than go to school. He wishes he could "delete" school. His general behaviour has suddenly become muxh worse with some swearing, hitting his brother and throwing things in the house. He was never like this before

In parents evening his teacher admits she pushes them hard 'because she knows they can do it'. My son said he had a break detention the other day where he had to sit on the wood floor for breaking another child's lego model (my son said it was an accident as he thought the previous child had finished playing with it).

I feel so bad for him. Could he be being bullied? Is the teacher to harsh with him. I hate the thought of taking him somewhere he hates everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needspace21 · 06/11/2021 14:46

*too

OP posts:
ponkydonkey · 06/11/2021 14:50

I think you need to talk to the teacher about his reaction to school... there may be other mums dads who feel the same?

Reception is lovely as there's lots of play centred learning... sounds to me as she's pushing to hard.

If nothing improves I'd talk to the head or the head of early years.. if you have one?

Aimee1987 · 06/11/2021 14:51

I would talk to the teacher and ask these questions.
There is a big jump from reception to year 1 with year one being slightly more towards formal education. However that is a pretty extreme reaction I think a conversation with the school to get to the bottom of it would be good.
Also that is a very out dated punishment for a child. Where are you? They used to do that when I was in school in 80 and 90s but most of the people I now know who are teachers say those types of punishments are not effective.

SoniaFouler · 06/11/2021 14:51

Wondering how you got from your son breaking another boys Lego model to him being the one that’s being bullied? Even if the other boy was finished playing with it, if your son broke it and the teacher punished him for it, that was intentional and nasty behaviour.

Original poster
Needspace21 · 06/11/2021 14:52

Thank you. That's my instinct is that she is pushing them too hard. I thought year 1 was supposed to be mainly play based?

OP posts:
Original poster
Needspace21 · 06/11/2021 14:54

@SoniaFouler it actually wasnt nasty behaviour. He was playing with the lego tower, not realising a kid hadn't finished it. Though in my eyes, once you leave a big bit of lego out and go and play with something else in a class of 30 it is fair game.

OP posts:
Scabetty · 06/11/2021 14:57

Talk to him generally in a matter of fact way about what he enjoys in life and thinks he is good at. Praise his achievements/behaviour but tell him your realistic expectations of him too. In doing this regularly he may talk about his anxieties or things that are unfair in his eyes without realising it. His perspective may not be her perspective so you can discuss this with her.

Lots of children (mainly boys) find Yr1 hard as there is lots of writing and less free play. His teacher may be too pushy or simply setting standards high. Is he achieving his targets?

SoniaFouler · 06/11/2021 15:01

[quote Needspace21]@SoniaFouler it actually wasnt nasty behaviour. He was playing with the lego tower, not realising a kid hadn't finished it. Though in my eyes, once you leave a big bit of lego out and go and play with something else in a class of 30 it is fair game.[/quote]
That’s what he told you. Did the teacher confirm this? Purposely breaking someone’s Lego tower and dismantling someone’s tower to make something else are two very different things. I imagine one would carry a punishment like a break detention and one would not.

Scabetty · 06/11/2021 15:01

Year 1 is a horrible year - I cover year 1 in my school and in that school there is too much formal learning and recording work in books. Lots get upset and hate to get things wrong - sitting down and listening is like a punishment. I am covering all next week and will be bringing the fun 🤡

Original poster
Needspace21 · 06/11/2021 15:05

@Scabetty that's interesting. It sounds like they've really ramped up the formal element in his school too. The teacher is used to teaching a much older year group normally too, and I think that hasn't helped.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 06/11/2021 15:06

Talk to his teacher. The change to year 1 can be a challenge.
That being said, being kept in at break time for breaking another child’s work/model is not particularly’harsh’ or unusual. Children spend a lot of time sitting on the floor, especially at school, this is not a big deal. Ask his teacher for her side of that story if I was you. I assume the bit about it being left is your sons telling of it.
Year 1 is not really play based although there should be some time given to play. Nothing you’ve said suggests he being bullied. He is perhaps struggling to adapt to the expectations of this year group and teacher however.

bloodyhoodedeyes · 06/11/2021 15:16

My sons behaviour changed drastically like you describe he was 9 years old at the time it is was down to a teacher bullying him. He starting having nightmares, turned from a sweet shy boy to a distressed child in a matter of weeks it was alarming.

But luckily another child had told their parents the teacher was being mean to him daily.. she decided to single him out so we managed to watch and uncover what was happening fairly quickly, the teacher did loose her job as it wasn't the first time she had done this.

I'm not saying it's the same situation but I'm just coming on here to say don't dismiss your concerned as you will be told always it's a child problem and very very rarely it can be an adult and teacher problem.

I hope for your sake you get to the bottom of it but please don't ignore him and let his behaviour shift be dismissed.

Scabetty · 06/11/2021 15:19

I think a whole break punishment is too long and counter productive. He needs to let off energy by being outside. Ask his teacher if there is a reward system to work towards - reward positives not just punish negatives. Do you have something like a sticker chart at home. Also a good time to talk about empathy, his and others feelings. The lego incident is a good example - could he have asked first sort of chat Smile

godmum56 · 06/11/2021 15:21

@Needspace21

He is just 6 years old. He has never once protested about going to nursery reception or year 1 up until now. However, he has suddenly done a massive 180. He is now saying he would rather die than go to school. He wishes he could "delete" school. His general behaviour has suddenly become muxh worse with some swearing, hitting his brother and throwing things in the house. He was never like this before

In parents evening his teacher admits she pushes them hard 'because she knows they can do it'. My son said he had a break detention the other day where he had to sit on the wood floor for breaking another child's lego model (my son said it was an accident as he thought the previous child had finished playing with it).

I feel so bad for him. Could he be being bullied? Is the teacher to harsh with him. I hate the thought of taking him somewhere he hates everyday.

she "pushes six year olds hard?" who is this woman? Cruella de Ville?
TaraR2020 · 06/11/2021 15:22

Isn't he a bit young yet for break time detentions?

I can't help agreeing with pp who feel the teacher may be being too harsh with him.
Poor boy, I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it soon Flowers

UnbeatenMum · 06/11/2021 15:25

Does the school have an ELSA? My DD's primary has one and she's been able to have some sessions with her to talk about some worries and put some strategies in place (year 6 so the approach might be different for year 1 but worth asking about).

Original poster
Needspace21 · 06/11/2021 15:37

What does elsa stand for sorry?

OP posts:
chesirecat99 · 06/11/2021 15:54

@SoniaFouler

Wondering how you got from your son breaking another boys Lego model to him being the one that’s being bullied? Even if the other boy was finished playing with it, if your son broke it and the teacher punished him for it, that was intentional and nasty behaviour.
Presumably because OP thinks there is something more behind her DS's school refusal than a one off incident where he got a detention for breaking a lego model, regardless of whether he was in the wrong or not.

Are you are suggesting that it might be OP's son who is the bully? Even if that were true, young children don't usually turn into bullies overnight for no reason.

I don't have any very helpful advice other than talking to his teacher.

Esspee · 06/11/2021 15:58

I would firstly be trying to find out if anything in particular has upset him. An event which has made him fearful of going to school.
Does he have friends in his class? Is he feeling left out?
Then I would be talking to other parents to find out if their children are unhappy.
You need to get to the root cause.

Esspee · 06/11/2021 15:59

I’m guessing ELSA is an early learning support assistant but may be wrong.

diddl · 06/11/2021 16:01

When my son became reluctant to go to school it was dyslexia causing him to struggle with the work.

Pushing hard at 6 does seem odd though doesn't it?

Surely some need things coaxing out of them?

Macaroni46 · 06/11/2021 16:03

Year 1 teacher here. Sadly, year 1 is not play based. The full force of Micheal Gove's highly inappropriate, knowledge heavy curriculum is thrust upon us. Whilst we know as professionals that it is wrong to teach more formally with such young children, we are under huge pressure to get through the content. This pressure, in my case anyway, is both internal from the SLT and external ie government. As a teacher of nearly 3 decades, it distresses me that we are meant to teach this dry, content heavy curriculum to young children and personally, I try my best to lighten their load. They're too young for a load FGS! But I sometimes get pulled up for this by SLT whilst at the same time, parents share their concerns at the huge step up from reception.
However, there are ways of managing the demanding curriculum and to ease the transition.
I would suggest asking for a meeting with the teacher but go in with an open mind. Breaking another child's model is not kind.

TurnUpTurnip · 06/11/2021 16:05

No year 1 isn’t play based... you are thinking of reception.

Emmacb82 · 06/11/2021 16:18

My ds is in year one and has found the transition from reception quite hard. He still enjoys school, but he is an anxious little boy and stresses in class when he thinks he can’t do something. A few times he has said that he doesn’t want to go to school which was unheard of last year. I think a conversation with the teacher again would be helpful. I think it’s more probably due to the change in year 1 rather than him being bullied. It’s changed from a play based setting to a lot more curriculum and it can be very difficult for children to settle in to.

Mossstitch · 06/11/2021 16:22

@bloodyhoodedeyes I had exactly the same thing happen to one of mine at 9 yrs old with a teacher that had taken a dislike to him (how I do not know as he was the sweetest, quiet, most sensitive boy, if it had been one of my others I might have understood it more😜) but he didn't say anything, developed asthma and became miserable. Eventually I realised (still feel guilty nearly 30 yrs later that I didn't sooner). My reaction probably wasn't the right one in hindsight, I moved him overnight having checked there was a place available for him at another school where he had a lovely, kind teacher. He came out of school like a different child on the first day, smiling, chatty and relaxed. The asthma subsided too. Bullying is not always from other children!