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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cringe everytime my sil mentions smacking her little dd?

33 replies

bubblepop · 12/12/2007 17:13

she's so small..and really quite well behaved compared to some tots..yet my sil is convinced shes a little "bitch". we've talked about it many times, she does all the normal toddler things..throwing her dinner on the floor,not wanting to get in her pram/car seat etc etc. i just can't stand it when my sil talks about "slapping her legs" or "smacking her on the hands". im trying not to interfere with her parenting (she would hate for me to advise her anyway;her being very confident in her parenting) but omg i can't stand it much longer..should i remain quiet?

OP posts:
coldtits · 12/12/2007 17:15

Just tell her you don't want to hear about it. Just say "Don't tell me about it because it makes me feel sick"

flack · 12/12/2007 17:16

Would you saying anything help? What does child's father feel about smacking, would he be more open-minded?
Maybe you could find out about parenting classes, ifyour SIL went along and thought she had other options she might decide against smacking for herself.
You could tell SIL you just want her to come along to keep you company, if she's really smug and wouldn't consider it just for herself?!

gizmo · 12/12/2007 17:17

Blimey.

I'd be very disturbed. By the language, if nothing else. That's a horrible attitude to have to your toddler, no matter how annoying (says the woman who tends to mutter 'little sod' lovingly at her 14 month old as he runs off in the middle of a nappy change)

But I doubt that a head-on confrontation is going to change her tune - instead you just risk alienating her and loosing any chance to change her behaviour.

Have you asked her if she thinks the smacking works?

HappyChristmasWalrusIsOver · 12/12/2007 17:18

I find it r3eally sad that she calls her DD a bitch

coldtits · 12/12/2007 17:18

I really really hate people referring to their daughters as 'little bitch'. I'm not particularly anti smacking, I think it has a (not particularly useful) place in parenting, but names that allude to a child doing something deliberately to piss a parent off really upset me for some reason.

She's not a bitch, she won't be until she fully understands the impact of her actions and IMHO that won't be until she's about 12! She's just a little girl.

FioFio · 12/12/2007 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum · 12/12/2007 17:35

How very sad. Does your sister have PND?

Original poster
bubblepop · 12/12/2007 17:42

flack,i doubt(sadly) that anything i say would make a difference. i'd have a cat in hells chance of getting her off the sofa to go to parenting classes with me,in her mind her parenting style is right and she does not have a problem with it.
her dh is very mild mannered and takes the easy option of leaving the lions share of the parenting to her. i doubt he bats an eye lid at her attitude, although he clearly shows love and affection for the child which is something i have never seen her actually do.infact, come to think of it,ive never seen my sil interact with her dd, every time we are together, she never talks to her, strokes her head, kisses her or even smiles at her. its bizarre. its almost as if the child is a hindrence now shes not a babe in arms..

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblepop · 12/12/2007 17:45

coldtits, i really like that statement "don't talk to me about it cos it makes me sick". yes i will say that

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 12/12/2007 18:05

have you spoken to your brother about this? It sounds like she has a problem tbh.

cherryredretrochick · 12/12/2007 18:09

I agree with lucyellensmum does sound like PND.

Original poster
bubblepop · 12/12/2007 18:10

no, he's my brotherinlaw and we are not close,i have tried many times over the years but he is not a great conversationalist tbh. any atempt to chat from me is met with one word answers.(i think its is shyness but could be wrong)

OP posts:
cherryredretrochick · 12/12/2007 18:14

Don't sound like particularly good company, couldn't you just see them less?

cherryredretrochick · 12/12/2007 18:15

BTW you ANBU. and if I heard anybody call their baby a bitch I would flip.

glaskham · 12/12/2007 18:28

that sounds very sad....to call your dd a bitch is horrendous, i would never dream of calling my dd that!! to not interact or show affection to her dd is sounding a lot like PND to me too, i suffered a mild (thank god) spout of PND after having my dd (baby no2.)but most of it was brought on with learning how to cope with 2 babies as ds was only 15.5mths....but never once did i show signs of resentment towards either of my children!!

i think your best bet is maybe to ask her if she's having problems bonding with her dd....and see what your responce is...if she decides to open up it could be good for her, and if not then just keep a distance, but something needs to be said!!

lucyellensmum · 12/12/2007 20:06

I would like to make it clear that i do not think that PND makes women be shite to their children. I have PND and if anything i smother my DD, but it does affect people in different ways.(i did ask to have my post withdrawn as it was a knee jerk reaction and i didnt want to upset anyone, but the oricle informed me that im better off clarifying so this is it ) If your sister in law is otherwise a nice person and is only showing this resentment towards her DD then it would ring alarm bells to me. Of course it could just be, sorry i sound callous, that she is an ignorant lazy bint and just hasnt grown up enough to care for children. Sadly those mothers do exist Thankfully, not on Mnet

amytheearwaxbanisher · 12/12/2007 20:12

not into smacking at all,though my gran did give us a few wackes of her wooden spoon dont think it did us any harm[shes not allowed mind ds though]it would be the little bitch comment that would upset me

JingleyJen · 12/12/2007 20:12

I know where you are coming from - today a lady I know from the M&T group I run smacked her daughters legs and told her to "stop it you little shit"
thankfully there were 3 or 4 of us there who immediately said - did you really just call her a little shit? - are you wanting to meet jeremy kyle or something?

She crouched down next to the child and said "sorry for talking to you like that but you really are being a pain in the arse!"

In a light hearted way we all told her that she should really be trying better!

Perhaps you should make it clear to her that you can't be around this behaviour and you don't want to hear about it.

milliec · 12/12/2007 20:23

Message withdrawn

wooga · 12/12/2007 22:20

Calling her dd a 'Bitch'?.
Not surprised you cringe, I found myself cringing reading this.
Hope you can help them if there is more to this.

onlyjoking9329 · 12/12/2007 22:26

i am saddened that someone would call their child a bitch and that they would hit them

coby · 12/12/2007 22:36

Don't know what to say really . poor little one. If your SIL treats her DD with such disrespect she is going to get the same insults thrown back at her as soon as her DD knows how.

I doubt you are going to be able to stand by and watch this continue for much longer.

I think if I were you I'd do anything to make sure I was still in this little ones life as much as I possibly could be. The reason being that, as she grows up, she's likely to need an adult who she can trust to listen to her and understand her needs. Not sure her mum or dad will be that person the way they are carrying on. I include the dad in this too because he is just as guilty IMO how can he let someone speak like that to his own daughter???

FairyMum · 12/12/2007 22:37

She sounds evil or insane.

AnneMayesR · 12/12/2007 23:09

When I was very little we had our little old italian grandma live with us. When she got mad at us she would chase us around the house yelling "I'm going to kill you, you little fcking whres!!". We used to laugh our arses off. Thought she was funny. She was only about 4 ft 10" and it was all pretty comical actually. I don't remember getting upset by it. She never laid a hand on us ever.

Did this woman actually call her dd a little bitch to her face or say it about her in a moment of frustration? Neither one is a good thing but the latter is forgivable.

squimlet · 13/12/2007 08:27

oh dear. that sounds terribly sad. I thine every else has said all the pertinant stuff. I hope you are able to express your feelings to her and perhaps persuade her to seek help

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