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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend staying - want to make sure I'm being fair

37 replies

Onlyonlylonely · 06/11/2021 07:10

Hello everyone,

Long time lurker, not very often a poster! I would so appreciate advice - I just want to make sure I'm being fair and not grabby with my friend, but also not putting pressure on myself financially.

Friend is staying with me for 3 months.

They are contributing their fair share to food and household chores, and have also agreed to help me out with babysitting my 2 children at least once a week whilst they are here (I'm a single mother of 2).

Should I ask for a contribution to gas & electricity too? I was thinking the babysitting helps me so much financially, and seeing as they don't have their own room here (sleeping on sofa), that the equal food & chores contribution is fair, and babysitting is usually one of my biggest outgoings!

Also asking because my family won't give me a balanced answer, and I end up feeling like every decision I make is wrong- they would recommend I charge this person a third of the rent!

YABU - Ask for contribution to gas & electricity
YANBU - DO NOT as for contribution to gas & electricity

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonlylonely · 06/11/2021 07:11

*do not ASK!!

OP posts:
drpet49 · 06/11/2021 07:12

* Should I ask for a contribution to gas & electricity too? I was thinking the babysitting helps me so much financially, and seeing as they don't have their own room here (sleeping on sofa), that the equal food & chores contribution is fair, and babysitting is usually one of my biggest outgoings!*

^Based on this no, I wouldn’t charge her gas and electric.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 06/11/2021 07:13

I think and they're on the sofa it's not really fair to as for extra money on top of the other contributions.

EnrouteNOTonroute · 06/11/2021 07:13

As the energy bills are going up I would perhaps ask for a small contribution towards that.

HugeAckmansWife · 06/11/2021 07:13

I think if she's sleeping on the sofa then no, the babysitting is a good enough trade off. If you were giving her an actual room then maybe. However, if she takes daily long hot baths or something tha would genuinely impact usage then you could ask at that point.

VashtaNerada · 06/11/2021 07:14

Sounds like they’re contributing a reasonable amount, I wouldn’t ask for more.

HotChoc10 · 06/11/2021 07:14

Oh gosh I don't think I would if she's a good friend, unless you really need the money. Babysitting once a week seems like payment enough.

Anyother · 06/11/2021 07:14

They're paying for their food and being useful by doing chores and babysitting. I really think it would be rude to charge them more whilst they are sleeping on the sofa.

grapewine · 06/11/2021 07:15

She's sleeping on the sofa and helping in other ways. I wouldn't.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 06/11/2021 07:15

I wouldn't ask for extra if they are on the sofa and helping out. Would you use much more gas and electric anyway? If it's just them charging their phone that's the extra and the meals would be cooked and the house would be heated anyway I'd let it go.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 06/11/2021 07:16

Would your council tax go up though?

Ponoka7 · 06/11/2021 07:16

Unless they are going to be in when you and your children are out and are the type to have the heating on constantly, then no.
I'd have them move in with the agreement that you review things in a month, for both of you.

Winniemarysarah · 06/11/2021 07:19

No, I wouldn’t charge her gas and electric. I’m assuming you are temporarily helping her out, it’s not her responsibility for paying any of your rent, she’s not a tenant. I’d feel a little cheeky giving a friend in need babysitting duties for sleeping on your couch during what’s presumably a shitty time for her. How many children is she looking after, and for how long? And what chores will she be doing, will she be cleaning up after your kids? While you shouldn’t be out of pocket, I don’t think trying to financially benefit from your friend as much as possible is very kind tbh.

SinoohXaenaHide · 06/11/2021 07:20

I voted Do Not Ask (yanbu) because they will be sleeping on the sofa and that makes a big difference. If you were giving them the use of a private bedroom for 3 months then some kind of (subsidised/reduced because of the babysitting) contribution to further household expenses other than food would be appropriate but it feels less appropriate when they are sofa surfing.

It's really important to have clear expectations agreed upfront here - if they are sleeping in the sitting room there needs to be ab agreed time that they will be up and dressed by every morning, and an earliest time they can settle down at night, to ensure you still have reasonable use of your sitting room. You should also lay out ground rules for reasonable use of the bathroom and kitchen. Arrangements like this break down and cause bad feeling when these issues aren't discussed and agreed beforehand because each person assumes that theur own intuition and judgement about what is reasonable but logically be also what the other person thinks is reasonable and it very rarely is.

Billandben444 · 06/11/2021 07:21

No, I wouldn't ask. Does she help with the children a bit as well as the babysitting? Would she watch them while you shoot to tesco? I think it would be grabby tbh and might spoil your friendship.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/11/2021 07:39

The elec and gas probably won’t cost that much more , if anything
So if they are a good friend I’d leave as is

saraclara · 06/11/2021 07:48

No. She's sleeping on the sofa. Unless you're having to heat differently (normally heatng's off in the day as you're at work, but she's going to be gone so it'll need to be on, for example) an extra person makes little difference.

Having put a friend up for six months though, I'd say be crystal clear about how it will work though. Have a fixed date when this arrangement will end (That was my mistake) and as she's sleeping in the living room, yes, when she has to be up and dressed with the room back to normal etc. It's much harder to address these things part way through, so you need a proper conversation at the beginning

Florin · 06/11/2021 07:49

Unless they are going to be home all day while you are working out of the house and have the heating up high all day then I wouldn’t charge them.

Thinkbiglittleone · 06/11/2021 07:58

As others have said, she is saving you on babysitting, doing chores and sleeping on a sofa, so No, I wouldn't ask for anything more at all

BeaLola · 06/11/2021 08:08

No I wouldn't ask - she will be on a sofa and I'd already contributing to food, chores and offering to babysit

DrManhattan · 06/11/2021 08:13

I'd see how it goes based on what you have agreed already.

grapewine · 06/11/2021 08:21

Good point about rules re: the living room/space.

This is why I couldn't live on someone's sofa for months. I'd never feel like I could sleep when I wanted to.

TidyDancer · 06/11/2021 08:27

I don't think I would ask for gas and electricity contributions in this circumstance. You are already saving money from the babysitting so I would argue that's the trade off.

You probably do need to consider council tax though. If you have a single occupancy discount you'll lose that for the time your friend is there.

Original poster
Onlyonlylonely · 06/11/2021 08:36

Thank you so so so much for your replies!

My instinct was as above - do not ask for money for electricity, gas etc.

They are indeed a good friend, and I would hate to ruin the friendship.

I am going to agree times re use of living room - didn't think of this - to make as comfortable for both of us as possible, as we are limited on space here. Will probably do an 8am - 8pm arrangement (they are early risers, thankfully!).

Thank you very much everyone.

OP posts:
Polmuggle · 06/11/2021 08:38

It won't effect your council tax unless friend changes their address or does anything else which marks this as their sole and main residence