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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Carrying something too heavy

34 replies

user6869848649 · 05/11/2021 22:26

DH came home from work and he’d hired a generator for a job he’s doing tomorrow. He asked me to help him carry it out of the van and into the house, about 25m at a guess.

I asked him to leave it in the van because i thought it would be too heavy for me to carry but he said he didn’t want to in case someone broke in.

So I helped him carry the generator into the house. It was too heavy, but I could just about manage it, but I feel like I’ve pulled something in my stomach now. He said “sorry you’ve hurt yourself” and I said “you’re not” and he was like “…I do love you though”.

AIBU to be upset that he made me carry that? I am so torn between thinking well, he didn’t really have much choice, there’s no one else here that could help him and it would have been an inconvenience taking it to the work yard and he would have had to pay his apprentice an extra hour and they’d have both got home from work later, but also that I’m annoyed I got hurt and that he made me do it knowing I would struggle (I’m also going to hve to help him carry it back to the van tomorrow, and in and out tomorrow/Monday also).

Please could you tell me who you think is BU in this scenario? Is this just a part of being a normal, helpful wife or was it unfair to expect me to do it?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2021 22:31

Him for being a dick and you for being a mug!

Why on Earth did you endanger yourself by going along with it? What did you think he’d say or do if you refused? Are you scared of him?

Do not agree to carry it back. He can get his apprentice to help.

Do you know this isn’t normal at all? It’s not how people who love each other behave. DH would never ever as me to risk injury by carrying something so heavy. He’d do anything to make my life easier and more comfortable. Yours should be the same to you!

junebirthdaygirl · 05/11/2021 22:31

I would not have lifted it as l get very weak when l lift heavy things and it takes me hours to regain my equilibrium. He needs to understand you are not as strong as him and by lifting with you he could have strained his own back taking an uneven load. Should have kept apprentice. Do not lift it back up tomorrow. Hope your stomach is OK.

Original poster
user6869848649 · 05/11/2021 22:39

@AnneLovesGilbert yes I know I’m a mug. I didn’t know if this was normal or not no, I have very bad boundaries and I’ve no idea what’s normal and what’s asking too much.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 05/11/2021 22:43

He didn't make you do it - you could have test lifted it and told him it was too much for you. Don't be a martyr.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2021 23:07

What’s wrong with his boundaries that he’d expect you to do this and then try to fob you off with a pathetic “…I do love you though”

Love is an action. Words are easy. Love is caring for someone and trying to make their life better, not worse or more painful.

Can I ask again what you thought he’d do if you refused?

MyBubble · 05/11/2021 23:08

Do you have an illness or disability had an operation recently or a oap , ?

if your annoyed just because your a women and your husband asked for some help (I take it you carried it in together) then you need to get a grip . when you first picked it up you could of put it down and said sorry it’s to heavy and walked back in the house but you chose to help him then complain he wasn’t sorry enough that you may of strained your stomach even tho he apologised 🤔

Reptar · 05/11/2021 23:19

What would have been the consequence if you refused? What would have been the consequence if the generator had been stolen from the van, would he have blamed you?

You should be able to say no to your partner. If you can't say no for fear of negative consequences, you haven't given consent.

Original poster
user6869848649 · 05/11/2021 23:29

He would have blamed me if it had been stolen. I think I feel like I can’t say no because in the past it has lead to massive arguments or guilt trips if I don’t help him with things. So in this type of situation I wouldn’t have said no because it’s not worth the potential argument or guilt trip. If I hadn’t helped he would have tried to do it on his own and then if he’d have hurt himself that would have been my fault too.

OP posts:
Original poster
user6869848649 · 05/11/2021 23:33

@MyBubble

Do you have an illness or disability had an operation recently or a oap , ?

if your annoyed just because your a women and your husband asked for some help (I take it you carried it in together) then you need to get a grip . when you first picked it up you could of put it down and said sorry it’s to heavy and walked back in the house but you chose to help him then complain he wasn’t sorry enough that you may of strained your stomach even tho he apologised 🤔

No, none of that. I’m a reasonably young and healthy person. I think that’s what I’m asking - is it okay to say no to this kind of thing. Is that what you would have done if you felt it was too heavy? What would your DH have said? What if it had been robbed in the night, would you have felt like it was your fault?
OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 05/11/2021 23:39

I think you should have tried a test life and then told him it was far too heavy. I also think he is being a dick - you did tell him you thought it was too heavy, he insisted. If I'd done that to my partner I would be beyond mortified. It's not normal for him to start blaming you, let alone saying you 'hurt yourself' doing it.

FWIW, I am much less strong than my partner. She can lift things I can barely move. I would be absolutely fucking livid if she expected me to risk hurting myself by moving something too heavy for me. To be fair, she does know I assess my limits honestly. Unless there's some history you're not mentioning, where you claimed you were physically incapable of doing some chore and it turned out to be an excuse, there is no reason your DP should feel his actions were acceptable. He owes you an apology.

Flavabobble · 05/11/2021 23:43

You sound as though you'd decided it was too heavy before you'd even seen it.

GrrrlPwr · 05/11/2021 23:44

Keep the generator and ditch the man

SarahAndQuack · 05/11/2021 23:45

@Flavabobble

You sound as though you'd decided it was too heavy before you'd even seen it.
If she had, what would be wrong with that? Confused

She's his wife, not his lackey.

5foot5 · 05/11/2021 23:47

It was nuts for either of you to try to lift something too heavy. Couldn't you have found an alternative men's of shifting it? A trolley or anything with wheels? A wheelbarrow?

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 05/11/2021 23:49

How is he anticipating getting it back out into the van?

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 05/11/2021 23:50

Sorry, I've just seen the answer in your op.

Stand up for yourself tomorrow if you feel it is too heavy. It's not worth getting a hernia over.

Original poster
user6869848649 · 05/11/2021 23:52

@Flavabobble

You sound as though you'd decided it was too heavy before you'd even seen it.
He has form for asking me to do things like this. As weird as that sounds writing it down.
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 05/11/2021 23:52

You aren’t carrying it back? Just say no, say it now and that he needs another option as it’s too heavy for you. You’ve already pulled something. And if he plays this ridiculous it’s your fault act you can either tell him he’s a child or play his game and say he must want you to get hurt.

I think you need to look at relationship dynamics more broadly here if you want to be in a decent relationship. You can say no and then you can judge your relationship by his response to that and decide it’s not great if he’s only nice when he gets his own way however inconvenient or dangerous for you it is. I don’t take responsibility for my husbands choices. It’s not your fault if it gets stolen from the van, it’s his for poor planning. You’re not a strong man and if he wanted to be in a relationship with one he’s been doing the wrong things.

Flavabobble · 05/11/2021 23:55

If she had, what would be wrong with that

She's his wife, not his lackey.

I know, I apologise. The very idea that he might ask his wife to give him a hand with something is just like treating her as his lackey Hmm

Frazzled50yrold · 06/11/2021 09:04

He's an employer and presumably has to carry out manual handling risk assessments for his apprentice. He would have been well aware of the risks and sadly so were you but you went ahead with lifting a load you weren't capable of.
His alternative was to pay an apprentice for an extra hour of work. Presumably that would have cost around £10 but he considered a possible injury to you to be worth less than this. Reconsider the whole relationship dynamics, if you had a life changing back injury as a result would his expression of love help in any way.

Newmumatlast · 06/11/2021 10:30

@Sarahlou63

He didn't make you do it - you could have test lifted it and told him it was too much for you. Don't be a martyr.
This, really. Sorry OP but you are capable of saying no. As soon as you tried to lift it and it was too heavy, if not before, you could've said no its not possible sorry
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/11/2021 10:38

Do not on any account lift it back with him

He needs to get someone else to do this

MangoBiscuit · 06/11/2021 10:41

I would put a stop to this sort of thing now OP. Have a conversation with him, and explain that there's no way you'll be able to help him on Monday. You've already hurt yourself slightly, you'll be much more likely to hurt yourself again. He has enough time to sort out an alternative, but he has to sort it, do not be a martyr.

I would also tell him that you are not going to be helping him lift or move anything when you do not feel confident or safe doing so. He has ample warning now that he cannot assume you will help. Expecting you to, guilt tripping you, are really shitty things for him to do.

Woeismethischristmas · 06/11/2021 10:43

I refuse to lift heavy things. I have a prolapse and I find the extra strain results in a leaky bladder for weeks after.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/11/2021 10:52

You are the only person who knows whether it's too heavy for you. If you say it's too heavy but then lift it and carry it anyway, it can look like it's not too heavy. You are giving out mixed messages, and abdicating personal responsibility. How on earth can you expect someone else to know if something is too heavy for you?
What he does about it all is not your issue. But if you back down and help on Monday, the upshot will be that he will think you were just whingeing, that it wasn't really too heavy and you were making a fuss about nothing.
So just say no. Make it clear you are serious and that he needs to find someone else. And maybe take to your bed for a day just to make the point.

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