Carrying something too heavy

[user6869848649]

DH came home from work and he’d hired a generator for a job he’s doing tomorrow. He asked me to help him carry it out of the van and into the house, about 25m at a guess.

I asked him to leave it in the van because i thought it would be too heavy for me to carry but he said he didn’t want to in case someone broke in.

So I helped him carry the generator into the house. It was too heavy, but I could just about manage it, but I feel like I’ve pulled something in my stomach now. He said “sorry you’ve hurt yourself” and I said “you’re not” and he was like “…I do love you though”.

AIBU to be upset that he made me carry that? I am so torn between thinking well, he didn’t really have much choice, there’s no one else here that could help him and it would have been an inconvenience taking it to the work yard and he would have had to pay his apprentice an extra hour and they’d have both got home from work later, but also that I’m annoyed I got hurt and that he made me do it knowing I would struggle (I’m also going to hve to help him carry it back to the van tomorrow, and in and out tomorrow/Monday also).

Please could you tell me who you think is BU in this scenario? Is this just a part of being a normal, helpful wife or was it unfair to expect me to do it?

I think I feel like I can’t say no because in the past it has lead to massive arguments or guilt trips if I don’t help him with things

OK, so your problem is that he is passive aggressive. Set better boundaries, don't back down when you say 'no', and challenge his reaction - because its not worth a back injury or prolapse to avoid a mantrum.

Passive aggressive behaviour is a power struggle. You are trying to use placating behaviours to avoid negative consequences; but that won't work.
Next time he asks you to lift something that's too heavy say 'no, I learned my lesson last time and wont be doing that again''.
If he has a tantrum or sulks, challenge that behaviour. Say 'instead of sulking just pay someone who's strong enough to help'.

Stay calm and assertive. Refuse to be drawn into arguments about it.

AIBU to be upset that he made me carry that?

He didn't make you -- you managed it & now regret it. Now you have better information in future to know when to say a firm "No, I can't do this safely. You'll have to figure out another solution."

Well it wasn't too heavy if you lifted it. You just used poor technique. I regularly attempt to deadlift more than I can lift and when it's too heavy I can't. Aiming for 170kg next week which is elite level for a woman.

You say he's got form for this...what do you mean?

if it had been robbed in the night, would you have felt like it was your fault?

no. I'd ignore DH if he tried to make me feel guilty.
I would see it as my role to help find the solution, maybe remember a large teenage* neighbour who could help out for £3 or £5 for instance.

*I am in lucky position of having a domesticated large teenager in household already, and he'd happily pop out to help neighbour carry something heavy for 5 minutes for £5.

And maybe take to your bed for a day just to make the point.

Fake an injury for sympathy? Bit pathetic IMHO.

@GrrrlPwr

Keep the generator and ditch the man

I agree. He should of known better

This is awful.
Of course he should have done all that stuff with the apprentice.

Your description of how you feel pressurised is the problem.

I suggest you get counselling to figure out why you are in this situation with him bullying you and what you want to do about it.

Yes, it would have been okay to try the weight of the object then say "Sorry, this is far too heavy for me."
If it then got stolen, it would be his fault for not making a proper arrangement.

Refuse to do any more carrying in and out of this thing. He now knows it's too heavy for you.

[quote user6869848649]@AnneLovesGilbert yes I know I’m a mug. I didn’t know if this was normal or not no, I have very bad boundaries and I’ve no idea what’s normal and what’s asking too much.[/quote]
Normal would be for him to ask, you to say “no it’s too heavy for me” and him to find another solution without a tantrum or blaming you.

i.e. nothing wrong with him asking, nothing wrong with you saying no.

While you can improve the situation ongoing by working on your boundaries, it does sound like he might have some issues with his behaviour.

A situation where you are so scared of his reaction that you injure yourself is not indicative of a healthy relationship.