AIBU to say no to hosting Christmas

[Chevron18]

Bit of backstory to this one but basically last year was my sons first Christmas and I agreed to host Christmas at our house. This was to be my parents, sister and her 2 kids and my auntie who usually lives alone but moved into my sisters last year to help with the kids and have company during the lockdowns. We agreed to do 2 different main dishes as my partner and auntie are vegetarian so had ordered and planned everything. Due to the covid restrictions we were put into tier 4 very last minute (22nd I think and?) and ended up only being able to host my parents as they were in a support bubble with us due to having a child under 1. We dropped off all the spare food to my sister so they only had to get a few bits and whilst it sucked to not be able to have the Christmas we planned everyone got by and we agreed it was the safest thing to do..... now to this year!

Everyone seems to have assumed I would be hosting again. No conversations were had really but in a group chat the other day sister and mum both asked what dishes I was planning and if they should start planning what to bring. The thing is I'm 10 weeks pregnant now and feeling really rough and this Christmas is going to be the only Christmas alone with my little boy before baby no 2 comes along. I really just wanted to spend it just us and have less stress as from my previous experience this rough feeling and sickness tends to last until 20 weeks. I told them this and said I would happily host maybe nibbles and drinks boxing day or something but just didn't feel up to Xmas day. Now I'm getting lots of messages saying how I should host as they missed out last year, that I've got the biggest house so it makes sense, that they'll help with cooking etc etc. My sister even said pregnancy isn't a disability and she's sure I'll feel better by then (I absolutely know it's not a disability just felt I should be honest about how I'm feeling) I just feel really pushed into doing it but want to stand my ground but feel like maybe they're right and I'm being unreasonable as last years plans were all out of whack?? So please Internet strangers help me figure this out 🙈 AIBU?

Also, even if they brought all the food and sorted themselves out, id have had my head hanging out the bedroom window in between retching due to the cooking smells.
Poor DH felt so bad cooking anything at all for his own dinner, never mind unnecessarily inviting the clam for all sorts of rich smelling foods..they just wouldn't have put me through it.

No is a complete sentence!
Don't apologise, you have done nothing wrong and immediately puts you on the back foot.
'I'm not well, we are not hosting Christmas this year, please make other arrangements, there will be no further discussions on the matter', or words to that effect - then ignore any further comments, and block if necessary,
Cheeky fuckers!

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to stick with my plans and I'll message them.

We are a close family but to be honest my sister is sometimes a little like this. Shes single has 2 kids and 1 has additional needs so she does appreciate having less stress herself and relies alot on support from us and my parents. I think this is maybe where the disability comments stems from so I don't want to get into an argument with her about that as I'm absolutely not comparing pregnancy to any disability.

My main reason is wanting some time to ourselves and not wanting to risk being left doing all the prep when I will likely just want to lounge and play with my little boy. I think I'm just feeling a but selfish but hopefully the offer of boxing day drinks and nibbles (which my DH will probably do all the prep for) will show I do want to spend the time together I just don't want the stress of a full day and all different dishes etc.

Thanks again for the replies

she does appreciate having less stress herself

At the expense of her pregnant sister? Nice!

I think I'm just feeling a but selfish

You’re not being selfish, you are just trying to avoid having a shit Xmas so that your sister can have a relaxing one!

You are never obliged to do something you don't want to do.

You don't want to do it.

Repeat "No not this year, its not convenient"
If they persist I would go as far as saying "Trying to emotionally blackmail me, is not fair. I have said no. I mean no."

Then disengage and let them get on with it.

Tell them to read here. They will get the message.

They have a cheek suggesting it even you were not pregnant.

It's your home and your choice. Under no circumstances give in to them message them all and say that you do not feel up to it and no you are not having anyone in your kitchen or indeed your house on Christmas day. It will just be the three of you.

Your house size is irrelevant. If you start this you will be at it every year.

Enjoy your day.

I’d be really disappointed if my sibling said this and kept pushing when I’d clearly said no. I think it’s ridiculously rude and cheeky of her. Is it just her or your mum too? Send a final message saying ‘I am not, as already mentioned, hosting Christmas’. No reasons, no ‘excuses’ that they can try to smash down. Just bloody rude of them.

Don't negotiate or discuss. Don't even give reasons. Just say what your plans are and leave them to it.

I suspect you may be convincing yourself that you are a close family

But to have your sister say that
Your mother to be messaging you
And many messages pushing you in to this

Well, it’s not my definition of close

I think it’s the expectation that once you have hosted Christmas that’s future Christmas’s sorted!
It sort of sets a precedent. Maybe you could manage Christmas Eve drinks and canapés or a cold Boxing Day brunch.

@Chevron18

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to stick with my plans and I'll message them.

We are a close family but to be honest my sister is sometimes a little like this. Shes single has 2 kids and 1 has additional needs so she does appreciate having less stress herself and relies alot on support from us and my parents. I think this is maybe where the disability comments stems from so I don't want to get into an argument with her about that as I'm absolutely not comparing pregnancy to any disability.

My main reason is wanting some time to ourselves and not wanting to risk being left doing all the prep when I will likely just want to lounge and play with my little boy. I think I'm just feeling a but selfish but hopefully the offer of boxing day drinks and nibbles (which my DH will probably do all the prep for) will show I do want to spend the time together I just don't want the stress of a full day and all different dishes etc.

Thanks again for the replies

You are allowed to be selfish sometimes without apologising or having to justify things.

It is important to spend time as a nuclear family unit.

Your extended family are important to you, but they also shouldn't take over your life. Your sister has made decisions that she has to take responsibility for - its not for you to always put her first ahead of your own family. Yes, help out when and where you can, but not at the expense of your own family.

This isn't being horrid. This is setting up boundaries and priorities that they should respect, otherwise you will forever be their doormat and will deeply regret not having the time with your own family.

You've already offered a compromise - you haven't say no you want see them.

Doing something on your terms for once is probably a healthy idea, as I get the impression you possibly don't that often.

"Sorry - I realise we have the most space, but there's a very real chance that I'll be feeling grotty on Christmas Day, and if so I'll need to be able to flop on my sofa in my PJs without lots of extra people in the house. I'll probably not be up to eating a big meal, so even if you did all the cooking I'm not going to enjoy a traditional Christmas dinner. You'd probably also prefer it to be my turn next year when we will have two small terrors!"

Your sister hasn't got a disability either - she can bloody host!

Tell them you want this Christmas Day as a family of three. Anything else and they’ll argue about how they’ll help, pregnancy isn’t an illness yada yada. Not a lot of arguing with “I just don’t want to”.

Also if it’s only your parents, sister’s family and auntie then they don’t need your bigger house, do they?

YANBU, and they are cheeky fuckers!

I honestly can't imagine carrying on pushing myself and my kids onto someone who has said they don't want to host.
And to be rude to you as well as if that is going to make you feel more welcoming!

Just say "Bugger that for a lark." If they don't understand, they are morons.

This sounds like my family. My mother and sister sounds a lot like yours, and they did pretty much the same thing to me a few years ago. Even my sister’s in laws got involved in pressuring me because “Christmas can’t change, it’s a tradition.” It was stressful to be “voluntold” by so many people as I’m the only one with health conditions (and I was also the only one with a baby or child at the time) but I just kept repeating myself calmly and kindly and eventually they got the message.

Now my sister has a baby and Christmas has changed to whatever she wants overnight, with her in laws in full support. 🤷‍♀️

Families, like the people they’re made of, aren’t perfect. With mine I’ve found that it’s best just to say no and not provide a reason, as people like this will often find ways to pick reasons apart. Find your peace and hold onto it, because it’s what will enable you to go on when things get rough. If that means not hosting Christmas, absolutely don’t. And please don’t apologize for not doing something that neither of them is doing, either.

Tell them all to book xmas day lunch in a pub and you will join them there,everyone pays for their own and it means you have all morning to play with your little one,nip out and join the gathering for a few hours then come back home and relax, No washing up,No hassle and still a get together with everyone without breaking your back. How could anyone be offended at that idea?

Don't say sorry.
Don't say you'll host next year.

If they keep pushing, tell them you'll be having fish fingers and smiley faces or something else your little boy loves on your knee whilst watching Finding Nemo. 😉

Stick to your guns OP, although I know it's hard to say no/stand up to the pressure from family. You are being completely reasonable, there is plenty of time for them to make other plans, and the boxing day nibbles sound lovely. I would also start making noises soon into the new year about next Xmas too, and if it was me I wouldn't want to be hosting with a small-ish baby either.

We also have the biggest entertaining space and have had the pressure to host everyone on Xmas day (20 of us in total!). I managed to make the switch to boxing day a few years ago. Whilst it is still a lot more work than I want (we essentially do Xmas day all over again), it is actually a million times better. We enjoy a leisurely PJ day on the 25th now, with no rush for the DCs to open their gifts and get them all put away before everyone arrives. I do enjoy seeing them all just not all the rushing around, house cleaning before/after plus all the hosting and not being able to go when I'm tired. I begrudgingly accept the 26th as a compromise. In an ideal world, it would be 26th with someone else hosting!

You'd probably also prefer it to be my turn next year when we will have two small terrors!

Don’t say that! She isn’t prepared to host you at all by the sounds of it, so why should you still do every other year?!

Your family are trying to railroad you into doing what suits them but not you. Don’t think I’d be hosting them anytime after this. As a PP said, your family are not close - but they are users.

I’d say this, “we won’t be hosting Christmas dinner but you all get together and have fun.”

Anymore pressure and I’d ensure there would be no invites over the Christmas period.

Honestly, your family are beyond cheeky fuckery!

Personally I would accept them coming and them effectively doing it all at your house while you take it easy. Next year with 2 x dc you can claim Xmas to yourselves!

Sounds like you’ve been the ‘compliant’ member of the family who always does what the others want. They aren’t used to you saying ‘No’ to them and you will probably have to stay very firm about this for a while. And be ready for the last minute reason why they have to come to yours. I’d rope your DH in to help rebuff attempts to get you to change your mind.

Hope your MS finishes soon and you have a lovely Xmas

*I suspect you may be convincing yourself that you are a close family

But to have your sister say that
Your mother to be messaging you
And many messages pushing you in to this

Well, it’s not my definition of close*

Agree. When I read what your sister had said I felt annoyed for you. I would have told her to make her own dam* meal and ignored her after that. Who is she to say how you are going to feel and regardless it is not on you to provide for everyone? They have hands. The entitlement of people when it comes to Christmas constantly astounds and baffles me as well as all the unnecessary drama and it’s barely November.

With my first, I was nauseous off and on for the first six months and with my second I was even more nauseous, couldn’t be in a car for more than five minutes, and was still giving homage to porcelain in the third trimester and during labour.

You don’t owe them anything and you can have the Christmas you desire. If they have a problem with that, that’s theirs to sort, not you. They still have time to put orders in for food deliveries and what not, I’d tell them to hop to it.