to be annoyed that my house guest wont babysit on NYE??

[nowwearefour]

A friend of mine is from down under and didnt even ask but presumed she could come and stay for several weeks with me whilst she finds a job/place to live. She did ask what she could contribute but i assumed she meant ie to household expenses. i said no but she could buy some food and do some babysitting for us. she has bought 2 loaves of bread and 2 pints of milk whilst eating whatever food i have in the house including raiding my freezer when i was away for a week. i am getting a bit annoyed with it all anyway but we thought at least we could go out on NYE and she just let me know she has plans so cant sit for us! I am v v v annoyed but not sure if i should be or not. We are thinking we will have to say something for her to leave but it is very awkward as she doesnt really have anywhere else to go and always hard to have these kinds of chats with a friend. She has been temping so earning money since the first day she arrived btw so money is not a problem for her. Any views?

I think there are two seperate issues.
Firstly, she is taking the piss in not contibuting more and you should try to address that.

But secondly, the NYE thing, it is not reasonable to assume that she will be willing to stay and babysit for you.

No matter how much you feel you are owed, it is unfair to decide that her NYE should count for nothing because you have done her a favour.

You're definitely right to expect more than you are getting but something like NYE should not be part of the trade, its not fair.

Message withdrawn

the nye thing is unreasonable but the rest of it sounds like she is taking the piss somewhat. if you value her friendship you should grin and bear it will gently pushing her otu the door (i.e. showing her the property pages etc). otherwise just set her straight about food etc and ask her to leave.

house guest are like fish (as my mother always says) they go off after 3 days. you are being very patient, keep it up and she will owe you a huge favour in the future.

Perhaps someone else from down under will come on to explain, but as far as I am aware this is called "dossing" and is a perfectly normal part of friendship for young people from Aus and NZ. I think that it's only acceptable to doss at a friend's for a max of three weeks though! Re NYE, bad luck, but you should have got in first with your request.

surely dossing stop being approriate once you have a family.

The dosser doesn't have a family, does she? Or do you mean the dossee?

thanks yes deep down i prob knew her nye was important too!!!

Now but the floor in question does. IYSWIM

Oh god, we had this last jan, a friend stayed for "2 weeks" (read: 5 weeks), and, while she paid her way, she didn't half get in our way
DS was only 11 weeks old when she came to stay, and she was a right PITA
she said she'd be away a few nights each week, but wasn't, and was coming back pissed some nights, when i was bf-ing DS, plonking herself down on the sofa right next to me and breathing fag fumes all over him
she offered to babysit, which would've been fab, but then insisted that she couldn't handle even a wet nappy, so that was that out the window
the friendship has been irreparably damaged because i didn't tackle it soon enough (left it to DP, as i was still quite hormonal at the time)
don't let yours become like this!

wondering if already going that way. we have a 6 month old and going throuhgh v v v tough time with her sleeping/ eating and it is also PITA. our house is on the market and she has our spare bedroom where our wardrobes are so we have to get clothes out the night before. she leaves the room in a mes before heading off for a weekend when she knows we have a viewing! all gone too far i think but dont know how to extricate myself from situation really

Start by informing her that since she is working on a regular basis, you will be charging her rent as of 1st January

Easy, NWA4, give me her mobile number and I'll text her and tell her to sling her hook.

I'm an Ozzie that has lived in the Uk for over 15 years and this scenario sounds all too familiar. I don't think your friend should really have to babysit for you on New Years Eve,and if she is young free and single the thought probably hasn't crossed her mind. On the household front I have been in this similar situation. If you don't say anything then she will continue to take advantage of your hospitality. I think you need to tell her now that you were very pleased that she came to stay, however if it's going to be a long term arrangement then she will have to contribute towards household bills and food. Speaking from experience, if you don't address the situation now then you will gradually resent her staying and you may not end up as such good friends ( been there). Aussies love to come and do the Europe thing, spend their money having fun and they get so caught up having fun that they either don't have money left for bills or simply conveniently forget to pay them! Speaking generally of course!!! Good luck

We've had a range of dossers - our last one moved in last Friday. Since we have had kids we have a house rule that the dosser/guest sorts out their own food. I ensure that they have fridge/freezer space and a cupboard, but life can be complicated enough to suddenly realise that someone has decided to have the fillet steak you were saving for a special meal as part of their lunch. But obviously I'll include them in Sunday lunch etc. I generally do not presume that they will babysit, but warn dosser that we're going out and there will be a babysitter - often find that dosser then offers to babysit to have full control of TV etc. If not requested early on the NYE is an assumption too far.

YANBU, but I would definitely talk all this over with her. I stayed with friends a couple of years ago when I ended up homeless and rather than tell me they had some issues they left it until we had a massive argument. I wish they had said something to me so we could have worked it out but instead the resentment killed our friendship.

Grab her by the scruff of the neck and throw her out the front door. That should do it. "Into the mud scumqueen" a la The Man With Two Brains

i had to stay with some friends for 3 weeks (I'd given up my flat as i was going to university for a year, and they lived a 20 minute train ride away from uni town) while i sorted out somewhere to live.
they had a daughter of 22 months, so i said (as i was doing nowt - the course didn't start for another 3-4 weeks) i'd look after her for the weekdays, and i did....saved them a fortune, as they usually paid a relative to look after her,
i'm not saying i wasn't in the way, as i'm sure i was, but i tackled the issue head-on, and did something concrete which (i hope) made up for some of it
we're still firm chums 10 years on
it's the only way..and i'm kicking myself for allowing this other friendship to go sour

I don't think you can expect someone to babysit for you on NYE. Not if she doesn't work for you. So in that respect I think YAB(a bit)U

But I think the fact that she is taking the piss and not contibuting to the household or for food is the main issue here. I really think you need to sit down and just get all of this out in the open. Say that you would like a definite timescale for how long she will be staying and you think it is best that she either
a - buys all her own food from now on, or
b - contributes £x amount to your weekly shopping and bills

A true 'friend' really shouldn't take advantage of someone's hospitality in this way. I'd be ashamed of myself if I acted like that. She really does need to be told.

Difficult situation I know

Oh God, as an Australian who lived in London I really feel for you. It is undoubtably the worst national characteristic. The number of times I had some friend of my brother's or someone I hadn't seen since school lob up on my sofa and whinge about how expensive London is (I KNOW it's expensive! I LIVE HERE! How could it POSSIBLY have escaped my attention? ). I actually had to tell my mum not to give out my number to anyone saying they were going to London and wanted to look me up - "look me up" always meant "stay for six weeks for free".

I think you're going to have to grasp the nettle and tell her to cough up or bugger off. No point being subtle - sit her down with the flat share bit of Loot, a red pen and a phone. I think she owes you, actually. Asking her to babysit on NYE is a big deal, but it's definitely not out of proportion to the favour you're doing her.

An Australian friend of my husband's turned up for weeks when we lived in Hong Kong. He never cooked or contributed financially, and I came over all passive-aggressive and started making pasta and garlic bread every night because he was allergic to gluten. Get your own farking dinner, love.

In fact now we are in Shanghai (another expensive city that everyone wants to visit for free), I think we are having a baby just to fill the guest room. I'm really looking forward to not having a "spare room", only a nursery!

Never, ever buy a sofabed if you know any Australians would be my number one tip for modern urban living.

I think you needed to be firmer with her right from the outset.

Whilst she is taking advantage - you are letting her.

I think it is presumptuous of you to think she would babysit for NYE.

It is obviously too much so you need to tell her she needs to move out and point her in the direction as to where she could find the appropriate information.

I find it strange that someone just moved in and stayed with you without your permission??!?!

As an aside from an aussie point of view - in the 4 years I lived in the UK NONE of my aussie friends who came to stay and live etc in the UK ever dossed with me or anyone else. We all had jobs (temp or otherwise) - we all found our own places to lived and whilst we might have visited for a very short period - the idea of taking advantage of someone would never have occurred to us.

You are very lucky with your friends, eidsvold!

Actually it was never people I would classify as friends who turned up dragging a backpack. It was always acquaintances. The more tenuous the connection, the longer they wanted to stay and the more annoying they were while they were there, IIRC.

Nowearefour. You have to pull right back from this ridiculous situation and stop feeling responsible for this woman. Tell her she needs to move out by xmas. Do not allow her to make you feel responsible for her next step. Its easy enough to find a room to rent, with gumtree etc. She could do it in 5 minutes if she HAD to. She is being a bum. And yes, IMO she should certainly be agreeing to babysit for you on NYE, not least because you have already by now asked her, and just to avoid any awkwardness, she should agree- after all isnt this why you're putting yourself and your family out, to avoid any awkwardnes you're doing what has been asked of you.

My sister is staying with me on NYE and I have made it clear that she is welcome but only if she comes out to the same do as me and DH - Im not having her off getting shitfaced in some corner of the city then me sitting up till 6 waiting for her- after all , if someone stays in your house, surely theyre meant to want to be actually seeing you, which means socialising with you. I think its very rude that your so-called friend is even planning on going out on NYE with friends other than those paying her bills.

You may well lose a friend here. But IMO you can afford to lose this one.

Ive had similar problems with new zealanders and canadians. I think theres a cultural difference coming into play- these people seem to cultivate thick skins- if you dont tell them exactly whats going on and what you expect from them, you may as well just get your boss to give them your paycheck, makes it easier in the longrun.....