Worried about him 'fitting in' / homeschooling request

[BeatieBourke]

DS is 6 and, so far, is a happy go lucky child with lots of friends at school and outside interests.

Recently he's been talking a lot about what kids at school think about things. "X says boys can only marry girls. I said that's not true and he laughed at me". "Everyone at school thinks it's funny I have a girlfriend and they laugh at me" (he's referring to his best friend outside of school, who has been a close friends since they were babies and he adores. Obviously not an actual 'girlfriend' at this age but he's picked up the lingo from somewhere and applied it where it makes sense for him). He's also started worrying a bit about what he wears and what other kids will think of his clothes. He's 6!

For context, he is an only child and we live in quite a cliquey rural village, having moved from London 5 yrs ago. DH is from nearby but no one would know that. I think we quite.obviously stick out as parents who 'aren't from round here' and everyone else has known each other literally for generations.

I also grew up as an only child and went to school in a similar place (different side of side of country but simar size village and set up) when my parents.moved when I was about 8. I was mercilously bullied throughout school and had quite a lonely childhood. This has partly shaped who I am, in good ways and bad.

Last night DS was talking tearfully about school again and said "school is hard you know. Not the work, but the people. They're all different to me. Do I have to go to school? I can learn St home and see my friends at football" (thanks covid!) 😭.

I'm worrying a bit about him fitting in and being 'that weird kid' the same way I was. I'm probably projecting loads of mynown stuff on to him, but it's hard to untangle his current experiences from my own past ones.

We have friends who home school but have always rejected the idea because as anmonly child we wanted him to have a strong sense of community and a 'tribe'. Plus homeschooling is v impractical for people who have to earn a living! I'm thinking of doing a PhD next year so maybe could in theory consider it?

Ease can people reassure me that this is normal 6 year old growing up stuff and help me keep my own insecurities in check, or let me know how you'd deal with this? Has anyone actively done stuff to help their kid fit in (like dress a certain way at the school gates or buy them certain kinds of clothes and toys etc, I don't know)?

To add, until decently he adored school and has never had an upset with his group of friends. He's quite sporty and other kids seem to like him most of the time. He's also a bit precocious (lots of time with adults).

Thanks for reading.

(Note to self: preview posts!)

Has your DS heard you talking now you are ‘different’ from other people in your village? It sounds like he has picked up on your views and is projecting them.

Maybe talk to him about how everyone is different and the world is full of different people, embrace the good, stand up for your beliefs, etc.

Sounds usual, there's bound to be odd moments of insecurity whilst mixing with his piers at school. Sounds overall his school experience is good abd well rounded.

I don't think home schooling is something to try to fit in. Proper homeschooling is a full-time job. I certainly don't think I'd be equipped to impart all the knowledge my dd needs despite being suitably educated myself.

I hope not as we've been quite careful about that, but I definitely feel like an outsider here too most of the time.

We have lots of co versatile about how everyone is different and people think lots of different things. Unfortunately his experience, or what I've inadvertently communicated, seems to the that everyone else is else is same and it's him that's different.

I do think my feelings are getting in the way and making things harder for him. I think I need some practical strategies for how to avoid that. A book??

Completely agree about home schooling btw. Despite my own experiences I think school.is broadly a good thing. I'm not an educator and we don't have the resources. I've always wanted him to be in school.

These kinds of attitudes were prevalent and largely unchecked by the staff when my son was at school and it was one of the reasons we opted for home education. Now that my oldest is 9, I'm so glad as I have seen his school friends morph into a much less diverse group and I believe that this is more common in smaller rural and semi-rural schools as I have seen friends' kids at other schools maintaining a much more open-minded attitude.

I always felt as though I had to sacrifice my individuality to maintain a friendship group at school and it meant that I never felt as though I fitted in until later in life - either you go with the majority, or you go it alone in a lot of schools.

Some kids thrive in a school environment, some are just 'fine' with the whole thing and some learn to cope by suppressing their personalities and focussing on conforming. I wouldn't rule out home ed (lots of us work and earn a living while home educating!) but it's not just a way to avoid the downsides of school - there are lots of stand-alone benefits which might make it more appealing as a philosophy in its own right.

I’d look for hobbies out of school where he can mix socially with a slightly wider age group. Beavers? Sports club?
I suspect it’s combo of not from round here and only child. Mines an only and has always had more mature approach and humour - I can remember yr 2 teacher saying DD kept catching her eye getting the adult sense of humour when nativity play rehearsals were going wrong.

I would say you have absolutely nothing to concern yourself about. At all. You have a bright, popular boy who is starting to question the views of others and his place in the world. Good for him. Yes, school is hard. You will always be there for him to support him and make it easier where you can. He thinks he is different to everyone, but everyone is different.

You may not be 'locals' but again, everyone is different in thier own way. Different is good! Do you feel excluded?

I don't think homeschooling would help him to 'fit in'.

At his age, he needs to learn how to socialise, stick up for himself, get on with the other kids and stop worrying so much about what they say about him. Talk to his teachers if worried but I'd just put it down to a few weeks of things not going quite his way.

From experience: you CANNOT homeschool + phd 😩

I teach 6 year olds. Nothing that he has said sounds unusual to me. I would let the teacher know how he is feeling though and about the comments that has been made - valuing difference, different family set-ups etc is an explicit part of the PSHE curriculum and the teacher should be having a whole class discussion of children are expressing the view that being different is bad.

Ha! @Peppaismyrolemodel having studies through various lockdowns I can well imagine this is the case!!!

Thank you for these responses. This level headedness is what I need. He generally does have a good group of friends, and has sports clubs too where he has other friends and is well liked.

Him feeling the way I did growing up is one of my biggest fears. Horribly, I think me feeling like that is probably one of the things likely to make it happen. Self fulfilling prophecy. I need to have a chat with myself!

You say that people like him, that he's never had an upset with friends, he's sporty (always popular).
By the sound of things, he,s doing ok. I think you are being oversensitive to a blip in his relationships which at that age swirl around ever changing.
Home schooling can be problematic. It would totally isolate your son -you live in a village so the only children to play with are the ones who go to the school you want to reject. He could end up a very lonely little boy.
It would be more productive to teach him to stand his ground and gain acceptance.
If he really does dress differently from the other boys, you might spring for some new outfits. To be in the tribe, he has to look like the tribe.

Hi,

I think you are homing in on this because it seems to mirror how you felt as a child. That's totally understandable.

Do you definitely have to stay in the village? Would you consider moving to a different town where there are bigger schools so more likely to be a more varied group of school friends?

If not I would work on really positive ways of building your son up so that he feels confident in who he is and doesn't have a need to fit in, because I think that will make him happiest. If you feel like the comments take on a bullying nature, definitely bring it up with the head teacher.

I have 2 children and both of them sound just like your son completely normal! They all go through these stages, trying to make sense of their surroundings, peers etc he won't be bullied... or the weird kid. He sounds just like my 7 year old who tells me about girlfriends, and general playground chat. My son loves school, but also given the choice would stay at home wouldn't we all? 🤣

OP your DS sounds normal and lovely. I think friendship issues/kids being mean/saying weird things to each other is sort of part of learning to socialise. It is important to talk about it and they need ways of learning to deal with it.
But are you OK? Are you happy in this village? Are there things you could do to make yourself happier - ie social stuff/play dates with other parents/book clubs/running club etc. Also if you have any unresolved stuff from your own childhood I would always recommend counselling, if you can afford it. To be the best possible parent it helps to sort one’s own feelings out.

I think you are overthinking this massively. If he's a happy go lucky child with plenty of friends, why are you concerned he'll be perceived as "weird"?

At 6 they do often disagree with peers because they all talk a load of shite.

I don't do things to "make my child fit in", but I do try to nip in the bud annoying habits, that tend to make kids outcasts.

I would be explaining to him that a "girlfriend" is for when he is older and that his friend is a friend.

3 kids and Iv only had one that was like this. Whether his class was more conservative or he is more influenced by peers - not sure. Friendship groups can be hard and he just needs to find his group in school. Have a chat with his teacher and see if he is settled or needs a bit of help on the social front. Just keep talking at home your values - same sex marriage etc

I agree with @bizboz

Just because your child asks if he has to go to school, doesn't mean he would like homeschooling or understand what it entails. You have to be very dedicated as a parent to do this as it really is an almost full time job in itself if you want to do it well . It's not just finding material to teach it's diverse teaching and leaning methods, material, visits and opportunities to mix with other learners

I'd it helps my 14 year old DD asked over and over to be homeschooled for a year and a half due to issues with friendship groups and feeling fed up of school. I would have moved her school before trying homeschooling.

She now says my not agreeing to homeschool and supporting her at her current school and to make new friendship groups and hobbies outside school, was best thing I did . She's very happy at school/ college and did well for it. (I appreciate that was her experience)

Home schooling from my experience (I have several friends that homeschool who talk and we discuss it) is usually a driven choice by parent feeling it is absolutely best option for their child - or as a result of years and years of failures by the schools they attended.

*12-14 year old

He sounds like a sweet child, we had similar with my DS, around the same sort of age. We spoke to his teacher about it and his class ended up doing some work on kindness and appreciating differences, which seemed to help a lot. If he's mostly happy at school, and the wobble is only fairly recent I'd persevere for now.

Like you I was bullied at school so struggled to resist cocooning him away from harm, but he's now a happy 9yo who still (mostly*) enjoys school.

*He's recently moved schools, so we're going through some settling in to new friendship groups wobbles

OP your DS sounds normal and lovely. I think friendship issues/kids being mean/saying weird things to each other is sort of part of learning to socialise. It is important to talk about it and they need ways of learning to deal with it.

I agree, I think this is a part of the normal progression of understanding the world around them and finding their place in it. I'm having similar with my 5yo. I think it can also perhaps be a little harder for bright oldest/only children. My DD is quite precocious and analyses things quite deeply for her age. She's also used to being the "boss" somewhat so can feel a little unsettled when this doesn't go her way at school! Her younger sister is much more go with the flow.

I understand the urge to homeschool (I also second that you do NOT want to do that while undergoing a PhD!) but I think running away at the first hurdle isn't sending him a great message or building resilience. Unless you really want to home school for philosophical reasons or your child is being really bullied then I can't see it would be a good idea, particularly when he's an only child and there's presumably not much scope where you live to mix with like minded families/have lots of social activities.

I completely understand your concerns!

I don't have any answers but I'm trying 2 things: trying to teach my kids resilience, so they can cope better when school is tough. And trying to help them find "their people" like the pp said about outside school activities/friends etc.

Then I just need to step back and try not to project my own insecurities. It's hard!

I dealt with worries about my sons school by volunteering there- the head was very keen on parent volunteers, not all are. It meant I understood the school and its pluses and minuses much better and I made more friends. Would that be an option?

Schools are a bit restricted about what non essential staff and visitors they can have on site at the moment...