Worried about him 'fitting in' / homeschooling request

[BeatieBourke]

DS is 6 and, so far, is a happy go lucky child with lots of friends at school and outside interests.

Recently he's been talking a lot about what kids at school think about things. "X says boys can only marry girls. I said that's not true and he laughed at me". "Everyone at school thinks it's funny I have a girlfriend and they laugh at me" (he's referring to his best friend outside of school, who has been a close friends since they were babies and he adores. Obviously not an actual 'girlfriend' at this age but he's picked up the lingo from somewhere and applied it where it makes sense for him). He's also started worrying a bit about what he wears and what other kids will think of his clothes. He's 6!

For context, he is an only child and we live in quite a cliquey rural village, having moved from London 5 yrs ago. DH is from nearby but no one would know that. I think we quite.obviously stick out as parents who 'aren't from round here' and everyone else has known each other literally for generations.

I also grew up as an only child and went to school in a similar place (different side of side of country but simar size village and set up) when my parents.moved when I was about 8. I was mercilously bullied throughout school and had quite a lonely childhood. This has partly shaped who I am, in good ways and bad.

Last night DS was talking tearfully about school again and said "school is hard you know. Not the work, but the people. They're all different to me. Do I have to go to school? I can learn St home and see my friends at football" (thanks covid!) 😭.

I'm worrying a bit about him fitting in and being 'that weird kid' the same way I was. I'm probably projecting loads of mynown stuff on to him, but it's hard to untangle his current experiences from my own past ones.

We have friends who home school but have always rejected the idea because as anmonly child we wanted him to have a strong sense of community and a 'tribe'. Plus homeschooling is v impractical for people who have to earn a living! I'm thinking of doing a PhD next year so maybe could in theory consider it?

Ease can people reassure me that this is normal 6 year old growing up stuff and help me keep my own insecurities in check, or let me know how you'd deal with this? Has anyone actively done stuff to help their kid fit in (like dress a certain way at the school gates or buy them certain kinds of clothes and toys etc, I don't know)?

To add, until decently he adored school and has never had an upset with his group of friends. He's quite sporty and other kids seem to like him most of the time. He's also a bit precocious (lots of time with adults).

Thanks for reading.

We have friends who home school but have always rejected the idea because as anmonly child we wanted him to have a strong sense of community and a 'tribe'. Plus homeschooling is v impractical for people who have to earn a living! I'm thinking of doing a PhD next year so maybe could in theory consider it?

That doesnt seem to be happening though!

I’d keep a close eye, children do become mire aware of all these things as they get older.

Are you happy living there op?

@Yourdeadtome (and someone else who asked upthread) thanks for asking!

I am OK here. I hated it when we first made the move. I was really miserable and isolated with a baby. We were in a different house then, even more rural than we are now (DH grew up in a rural idyll in the middle of nowhere and wanted to mimic this. He also had siblings and his mum had lived in the area for yonks with a massive network of like minded people).

Since we moved to this house/village I am much happier. I have made 'mum friends' at school, and got myself involved in organising football club socials and events. I feel more integrated and at home than I have for a long time.

I'm not surenifni will ever feel truly settled here. We're here for DH really. As long as DS is happy (and he has been u til this wobble) we'll stay while he's in school. I do harbour a wish that when he's all grown up DH and I could be somewhere a bit more lively and multicultural. But he's he's creature of habit, life is very comfy for him here and I'm notnholding my breath to be honest.

[quote BeatieBourke]@Yourdeadtome (and someone else who asked upthread) thanks for asking!

I am OK here. I hated it when we first made the move. I was really miserable and isolated with a baby. We were in a different house then, even more rural than we are now (DH grew up in a rural idyll in the middle of nowhere and wanted to mimic this. He also had siblings and his mum had lived in the area for yonks with a massive network of like minded people).

Since we moved to this house/village I am much happier. I have made 'mum friends' at school, and got myself involved in organising football club socials and events. I feel more integrated and at home than I have for a long time.

I'm not surenifni will ever feel truly settled here. We're here for DH really. As long as DS is happy (and he has been u til this wobble) we'll stay while he's in school. I do harbour a wish that when he's all grown up DH and I could be somewhere a bit more lively and multicultural. But he's he's creature of habit, life is very comfy for him here and I'm notnholding my breath to be honest.[/quote]
Please do think of yourself too. I lived in a milling village, definitely an outsider but settled there as Dcs were happy in school, it wasnt until we were forced to move for work I realised how rubbish my life was there.

If you decide to Home Educate (not Homeschool - that is not the correct term) then it will need to be your number one priority at least for a couple of years - you will need to spend a lot of time going to groups and finding the activities that suit you and your child and will spend a lot of time getting things in order at home and you will have no idea what Home Education will look like for your family - as much as you might think you do.

This is incompatible with doing a PHD, getting a new job, starting a business etc. These can be done a few years into the journey but not at the beginning in my experience.

I Home Educated my children and now they Home Educate my Grandchildren and i have seen many people try and do it all and all have failed over the 30 years i have been in HE.

I would not make the decision quickly but bide your time and see how things develop. However, the socialisation element is a complete red herring - HE children develop far better social skills as they are not in the same setting with the same people everyday but in constantly varying settings. And they do have groups of friends that they stay friends with for years so do not let these myths stop you. But if he does not settle then i would definitely look at moving to a different school or HE.

@yourdeadtome yeah, I feel very much like a plant surviving despite bot being in my ideal soil type atm. I've kind of accepted it for now. DH doesn't seem to give a hoot as long as he's near his mum, his mates and the precious mountains. But that's another thread!!!

[quote BeatieBourke]@yourdeadtome yeah, I feel very much like a plant surviving despite bot being in my ideal soil type atm. I've kind of accepted it for now. DH doesn't seem to give a hoot as long as he's near his mum, his mates and the precious mountains. But that's another thread!!![/quote]

@upamountain43 to be completely honest this entirely confirms my hunch that this is not for us.

We too have many acquaintances who Home Educate (). That has also informed our choice so far.

I think he sounds absolutely fine! Time to focus on yourself, and that PhD.

Is there a reason you need to live in this area? It doesn't sound like you're happy there.

[quote BeatieBourke]@Yourdeadtome (and someone else who asked upthread) thanks for asking!

I am OK here. I hated it when we first made the move. I was really miserable and isolated with a baby. We were in a different house then, even more rural than we are now (DH grew up in a rural idyll in the middle of nowhere and wanted to mimic this. He also had siblings and his mum had lived in the area for yonks with a massive network of like minded people).

Since we moved to this house/village I am much happier. I have made 'mum friends' at school, and got myself involved in organising football club socials and events. I feel more integrated and at home than I have for a long time.

I'm not surenifni will ever feel truly settled here. We're here for DH really. As long as DS is happy (and he has been u til this wobble) we'll stay while he's in school. I do harbour a wish that when he's all grown up DH and I could be somewhere a bit more lively and multicultural. But he's he's creature of habit, life is very comfy for him here and I'm notnholding my breath to be honest.[/quote]
@littlegwyneth

Tbh I've lived here, and spent an enormous amount of time.on my own, for such a long time now I don't know how I'd cope in a city. I think I've become the rural equivalent of institutionalised.

Hmmm... Does your DH know it's not great for you there? It seems moving from the really rural house to the new one made your life less miserable but not exactly happy? He's near his mum but are your parents still at the other side of the country? If you do the PhD is the end goal academia? Are there universities close by? Are you working now? Sorry for all the questions just from what you've said it just sounds a little unequal and I do hope you're not sacrificing your happiness for your DH.

@Ledition thanks for this.

He does know. I don't think it suits him to really consider it a problem asnits not a problem for him.

There are some practical considerations. I was as up for moving here as he was. It hasn't lived up to expectation for me for various reasons, some I have to take some responsibility for, others totally beyond my control. We always said if it didn't work out we'd go somewhere else, but per naive to the realities of that with a child. Despite the panic that prompted my OP (which I've now climbed down from), DS is very settled. I'm already at uni (45 mins away) and that's been a saving grace. If we went elsewhere right now there's no certainty that we'd get that move right either. So I've accepted that we're here for now, until the pull of somewhere else is enough to outweigh the risks of uprooting our lives again. I love our house, which really helps.

DH isn't a massively selfish arse, but he is a fan of the path of least resistance, a creature of habit, and quite set in his ways. There are cons to this, but also pros. Life is seldom perfect!

Why do you live where you do now? It sounds miserable. I'd consider moving to somewhere larger with more kids to get rid of this feeling of being "different". I wouldn't home school - I'd move.

My children have had similar times of insecurity as they’ve gone through school. They have definitely learned friendship and social skills through the experiences, and them being open has enabled me to have some input to guide them in what they could do to solve some problems. Keep the conversations going. Has he got older, or teenage, cousins or family friends who might be mentors to him in some way?

[quote BeatieBourke]@Ledition thanks for this.

He does know. I don't think it suits him to really consider it a problem asnits not a problem for him.

There are some practical considerations. I was as up for moving here as he was. It hasn't lived up to expectation for me for various reasons, some I have to take some responsibility for, others totally beyond my control. We always said if it didn't work out we'd go somewhere else, but per naive to the realities of that with a child. Despite the panic that prompted my OP (which I've now climbed down from), DS is very settled. I'm already at uni (45 mins away) and that's been a saving grace. If we went elsewhere right now there's no certainty that we'd get that move right either. So I've accepted that we're here for now, until the pull of somewhere else is enough to outweigh the risks of uprooting our lives again. I love our house, which really helps.

DH isn't a massively selfish arse, but he is a fan of the path of least resistance, a creature of habit, and quite set in his ways. There are cons to this, but also pros. Life is seldom perfect![/quote]
Cross posted with you. DS is clearly not very settled

I think you are overthinking it and to the point that you seem to be actively looking for your son to not fit in. Let him be.

Speak to the teacher as others have said. I've contacted dd2 teachers about similar issues and they have been all over it supporting her with her friendships. I can't fault them and I wish I'd acted sooner.