Should he help more at night?

[Essexmate]

I need outside perspective in my sleep deprived state. AIBU, is he or perhaps a bit of both? Sorry if it’s a long one!

We have a 4 month old who has never been a good sleeper. I am still on mat and do sun-thur, DH does his days off so fri & sat night. If he has a day off he will also do that night. So e.g. he had half term off so he did sun-sat and I started again on the following Sunday.

Anyway DD sleep has gotten worse, so we agreed that I would go to sleep at 9pm and DH would have the baby until 12 then I deal with her after. She will not sleep unless I’m holding her and her eyes ping open as soon as she hits her next2me bed (this is a new thing). It’s been four nights and DD had me up between 1-6am the first 2 and between 12-6 the last 2. Ideally I should be up at 6 am to get ready for the school run but I go back to sleep 6-7am as DH is up & deals with DD. The eldest has been late to school this whole week because my brain is too slow to function properly in the morning.

I said to DH that we need to come up with a new plan and he said
1). he can’t do much more during his working week because he has to drive to work. Which is fair enough but I made the point that I also have to look after a baby and school run and I also have to use the car depending on what’s happening that day. Why is him using the car an excuse when I also use the car but have the kids in it! He tried to say that he was doing his bit as he is up till midnight but he is usually up until 11:30 anyway. It’s very rare if he goes to bed before 11.
2). I am getting sleep between 9-12 and then again an hour at 6am so I should not be tired. Never mind the 6 hours I am wake between them!

Sorry if it’s a ramble but I was trying to give a full picture. So, what do you think?

Go to bed earlier than 9 if you need to.
Why won't the baby sleep anywhere other than in your arms?
Does she nap in the day?

To be fair he's going to work all day whereas you can sit on the sofa all day if you need to. I'm on maternity leave too so not being an arse.

It sounds like he’s going a fair amount to be honest. I know it’s shit. But it won’t last forever.

Go to bed at 8pm, if you get a 4 hours stretch it will make a huge difference.

White noise/ pat shush to sleep instead of contact sleeping?

Honestly it sounds fair to me.. he does the night on the days he is not working and stays up till 12 with baby on the other nights.
I'd concentrate on getting your baby to be a better sleeper to be honest.. loads of
Good books or suggestions on line as how to improve things

I'm not quite sure what more you expect him to do.

Could you go to bed earlier?

Does DD nap during the day? You need to get her sleeping independently - loads of online advice and books on this. Talk to Health Visitor?

He's doing a good job on his days off, so that's something. But I'd say during this crazy time, he maybe needs to get up a bit earlier now and again. We had a similar situation to you - I'd go to bed early, and Dh would be up until at least midnight. Usually DS would wake at some point after 1am and on a bad night, I'd be up with him more or less constantly until at least 4 am, maybe a bit later. He would usually then sleep for an hour or so and when things were really bad, DH would then get up a bit earlier if necessary - ie about 5:30/6am. It wasn't ideal but it meant he got 5-6 hours consecutive sleep. Sometimes, he'd manage to get DS to doze off and the two of them would doze together in the lounge until 7am when DH had to get ready for work. He'd have DS with him until he left for work at 8, at which point he'd wake me up.

The reality is that the broken sleep is the problem. So if your DH can get 5-6 hours, he will probably be okay in the short term. I would absolutely expect him to do that. And FYI, DH was working as a regional sales rep at the time so was in the car ALL day.

Honestly I think that sounds pretty fair. You should focus more on getting your child to sleep somehow. I’m on maternity leave atm too with a 6 week old so know how hard it is to get some sleep! My fiancé is really great though and we both pull our weight.

I think your DH sounds like he is doing a lot. I would definitely focus on getting your little one to sleep better. Given they are 4mo they should be more able to get in a good routine. You need to crack the naps or the nighttime so you can get some more sleep. I found consistency worked for my terrible sleepers!
Hope it passes soon!

if baby will sleep in your arms will she co sleep? We had to do this at 4 months with DS2, I was going to bed with him at 9ish, he would be between me and the next2me (he would never sleep in it but was fine on my mattress next to it)

I don’t know why she won’t sleep on her bed, she used to! HV said it’s probably a phase/regression.

Thanks for giving me perspective on DH, I agree it is a sleep issue. We used to co-sleep with DD1 but I’d be worried to do that with DD2 as DD1 sometimes sneaks into our bed and I’d worry something would happen whilst I was asleep.

I was going to try and shorten her naps but some people say that works and some say it makes things worse, so confusing! Need to do more research I think. In the meantime, I’ll start going to bed earlier

Thanks everyone x

My DH takes little one circa 8ish to midnight I then do the 12-6ish shift. Can you try to sleep earlier? How long does your baby go between feeds? I WFH (back after maternity) this current arrangement is suiting us right now (DH driving if up all night worries me).

I think you need to suck it up a bit, you can nap during the day and slob about watching tv etc: he has to be ‘on it’ at work.

It is tricky as it does sound like he’s doing quite a lot.

Is there anyone who could help you out with the school run?

I think like others do that you should focus on helping your baby to sleep better, rather than on your DH. You both have to drive and function during the day, and it’s hard for you both.

Does DH's workplace allow any sort of flexible working? Maybe he could pick up the school run a few days a week, but I think he's really pulling his weight by the sound of it.

My daughter was exactly the same every time I put her in her next to me, soul destroying.
Have you tried using a gro bag? It was like magic for me, the very first night I put that on her she fell asleep in my arms, put her in her next to me and she slept right through. I think maybe because she was cosy in that she wasn't noticing the temperature change moving from my arms to her bed.

Hope you feel better soon, sleep deprivation is the worst, I've done every night myself for 7 months now, had no help at all from the lazy snoring asshole beside me. Your partner sounds like he's doing his fair share

I'm not saying its right as he should be listening and responding appropriately if you're asking for help but he does 100% more than my husband

I have a member of staff who had 2 lurker ones at home and wife on maternity leave. He is trying to support with night time needs of birth kids but it's a complete zombie at work and is making mistakes and basically drinking huge amounts of caffeine. I don't know the answer as having been the SAHM dealing with all the nights, I know how exhausting it is but I decided it was better I was zombified at home than DH are work.

Keep going OP it sounds very difficult if you have a baby who isn't sleeping great

Seems like DH is doing all he can and see your point about the car situation but also see his side

Your main in focus needs to be trying anything you can to get baby to sleep better

Hopefully you will find something that works

My opinion will be an unpopular one but never the less - you are on maternity leave with a child at school - your DH is already doing his bit and working full time - it's hard but you just have to keep going

I think you need to suck it up a bit, you can nap during the day and slob about watching tv etc: he has to be ‘on it’ at work.

Tbf I've never understood this.
My five month old never really naps . The odd 10-30 min nap Mostly if I'm outside walking and needs my constant attention.
I genuinely think working would be easier 😂🤣😅.

Ok easier isn't the right word. It's hard no matter what tbh.
When dd1 was small we did every other night.

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This book is currently on offer 99p for kindle edition…my DS is only 8 weeks but I’ve found it really helpful, might help you too. Hope you manage a bit more sleep soon.

I think he does a lot already. Unless he is able to take your eldest to school and finish work later to make up for it?

Go to bed earlier, dive in when the older one goes down. If you’re getting 5+ hours at a stretch you’ll be a bit more functional.

Your baby is up for 6 hours at night? That’s horrific. I would do gentle sleep training (no cry methods)

To be fair I think he does a lot already, could he arrange to go to work an hour later to give you a bit more time in the morning? Lie down with her to rest even if she is not napping.

DD was also 4 months in November and sleep was awful. We had a huge growth spur, she was drinking like milk would go out of fashion, I bf her at least 3 times a night when we managed just once prior to it.

Also, she was cold. When she wasn't waking up hungry, she was waking up cold. After a couple of nights when she would fall asleep as soon as I had her in my arms and not interested in the breast we added a blanket on top of her growbag. Also, her crib was warmed up before she went to bed plus we kept the heating on a bit.

It seems she never read the manual of baby sleeping temperatures and even now as a teen is preferring a mountain of blankets to sleep under.