Should he help more at night?

[Essexmate]

I need outside perspective in my sleep deprived state. AIBU, is he or perhaps a bit of both? Sorry if it’s a long one!

We have a 4 month old who has never been a good sleeper. I am still on mat and do sun-thur, DH does his days off so fri & sat night. If he has a day off he will also do that night. So e.g. he had half term off so he did sun-sat and I started again on the following Sunday.

Anyway DD sleep has gotten worse, so we agreed that I would go to sleep at 9pm and DH would have the baby until 12 then I deal with her after. She will not sleep unless I’m holding her and her eyes ping open as soon as she hits her next2me bed (this is a new thing). It’s been four nights and DD had me up between 1-6am the first 2 and between 12-6 the last 2. Ideally I should be up at 6 am to get ready for the school run but I go back to sleep 6-7am as DH is up & deals with DD. The eldest has been late to school this whole week because my brain is too slow to function properly in the morning.

I said to DH that we need to come up with a new plan and he said
1). he can’t do much more during his working week because he has to drive to work. Which is fair enough but I made the point that I also have to look after a baby and school run and I also have to use the car depending on what’s happening that day. Why is him using the car an excuse when I also use the car but have the kids in it! He tried to say that he was doing his bit as he is up till midnight but he is usually up until 11:30 anyway. It’s very rare if he goes to bed before 11.
2). I am getting sleep between 9-12 and then again an hour at 6am so I should not be tired. Never mind the 6 hours I am wake between them!

Sorry if it’s a ramble but I was trying to give a full picture. So, what do you think?

I think he's doing alot tbh. DS only slept in my arms so we cosleep. Older DD needs to sleep in her own bed or you move to her bed and she sleep with DH.

Hi OP, mum of a 9 month old here who is currently waking every hour. I'm afraid I agree that it sounds like he's doing quite a lot. 3h uninterrupted sleep between 9 and 12 is pretty good in one stretch if you also get a bit more at other points in the night/ during the day. I know it's hard but this stage doesn't go on long. Try to get some extra naps in at the weekend and don't resent him too much- I think he's doing all he can to help

@kitkatsky up every hour at 9 months old? Ouch! You have my sincerest sympathies!

Hi Op.

I know this isn't what you asked, but have you tried using a grobag where you can button up the arms so your baby is swaddled? My DD was just like yours until I tried her in a Tommee Tippee grobag, now she goes down in her next to me & sleeps so much better.

@Cocomelt maybe this isn’t what you meant, but you cannot swaddle a 4 month old it’s super dangerous in case they roll

@girlmom21

Go to bed earlier than 9 if you need to. Why won't the baby sleep anywhere other than in your arms? Does she nap in the day?

To be fair he's going to work all day whereas you can sit on the sofa all day if you need to. I'm on maternity leave too so not being an arse.

Is that your experience of looking after a baby 😲? Going to work is wayyy easier than taking care of two small children in my experience. I work part time and if I’m sick it’s a bloody relief when it’s on a work day and all I have to do is work.

I don’t think the baby is awake for six hours in the night, just the OP, holding the baby while the baby sleeps.

I’d read the book “Three in a bed”, op, it’s a reassuring analysis of co sleeping. You can’t carry on being awake all night while your baby sleeps.

[quote LapinR0se]@Cocomelt maybe this isn’t what you meant, but you cannot swaddle a 4 month old it’s super dangerous in case they roll[/quote]
I hadn't even thought of that! Thank you for pointing that out, my DD is only 3 months old so it hadn't crossed my mind.
now sat panicking about how I'm going to get any sleep next month

OP I think the problem with the responses you are getting here is that your DH probably does more than most partners/ men. But you are 100% not being unreasonable here, and the division of labour is not fair in my view.

@Bizawit her other child's in school.

My toddler is in nursery (we left her in for her benefit, not mine) but she was pretty much off sick for the first month of my maternity leave and it wasn't too difficult even with the two. I will openly admit that we've been lucky with sleep (3-4 hour stints) and a 6 hour slog through the night must be hard for OP but she can take some time to herself in the day with the other child not being there.

It does sound like he's doing a fair amount. I think in addition to driving to work, he also needs to be on the ball at work. I can cope on little sleep on the weekends but it's really noticeable when I've had a bad night and I'm working the next morning.