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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu haven't met his kids yet?

63 replies

Namechangeforthisone86 · 04/11/2021 20:33

I have been seeing a guy for 11months now and I am yet to meet his kids. He has two children from a previous relationship with his ex. I've brought up the matter a few times and I've just been told when the time is right. I have a son myself who he has met and is around etc but I just don't know what to do. We had a rocky start and have had some ups and downs but we've spoken about moving in together but I just don't know how to interpret this. I know he's not with the ex anymore but I just don't know why he wouldn't let me meet them? There's no issues with the ex that I'm aware of and he sees his kids when he's not working

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 05/11/2021 19:15

I’m with him too.

It’s a short relation so far, and not particularly stable.

Was there a reason you had him meet your son so early?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2021 19:22

How long has he been split from their mum? Has he had relationships since? And do they know he’s seeing you? Does he chat to them at yours and tell them where he is?

I wouldn’t want to invest much more without meeting them. What if you fall head over heels, your son gets attached and then you realise his kids are awful and he’s an annoying dad when he’s with them?

They’re a delicate balance between too soon and it might end not long after and too late and you’re planning a life together without knowing such a big part of his life.

I’d get some concrete reasons and a time frame and while you’re waiting have him stay at his a lot more and try to go back to dating rather than nearly living together.

How’s it going to work between the kids when you do finally meet them? Is he going to tell your son not to let on that he’ll have known him ages and formed a bond with him while you’re at the start of getting to know his two?

KrisAkabusi · 05/11/2021 19:22

Good! There's far too many threads on here where new partners are introduced to the kids too soon and it causes all sorts of upset and confusion. It's nice to see someone being sensible for a change.

toomuchlaundry · 05/11/2021 19:29

I'm assuming you have also had to negotiate lockdowns in this time too, so not a straight forward relationship. I think you introduced your DC too early

ThirdElephant · 05/11/2021 19:33

I think he's been pretty sensible tbh.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/11/2021 19:34

I'm with him too, you introduced your son far too early.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2021 19:36

For all the “he’s right” posts, what if he moved in by stealth, it’s all getting very serious and they’re a part time family unit including her young son, and then she finally meets his kids and it all comes tumbling down?

whistleryukon · 05/11/2021 19:41

Well he has protected his children from the potential risks and pitfalls that are always there when you start a relationship with someone. But he's happy enough to stay at yours a lot and be around your son. If things went wrong between the two of you his kids will be unaffected, and your kid will experience instability and confusion. You have invested much more than him.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 05/11/2021 19:42

Was there a reason you introduced your kids so early on to him? I'd actually respect his decision, he's being a responsible parent. I'd say a minimum of a year relationship before meeting children.

00100001 · 05/11/2021 19:56

Wait,... Your kid met him after 3 months, and now this guy is pretty much living with you in under a year... ? [Confused]

Wow, you don't hang around.

Confiscatedpopit · 05/11/2021 20:01

OP slow down. Particularly with the moving in.

WonderfulYou · 05/11/2021 20:01

I think he's being very sensible and wouldn't have introduced my child to somebody I'd been dating for a few months, especially with you saying the relationship was rocky those first few months.

I agree.

You chose to introduce him to your child early on and he’s choosing to not rush into things so quickly.
Most people who’ve been together less than a year don’t have ups and downs as that’s still the ‘honeymoon’ period. There could be other reasons too - his child struggling with the idea of his dad being with someone else, his mum has introduced him to lots of boyfriends that didn’t work out and he doesn’t want the same happening etc.

You do seem to be moving quite quickly. Is there a reason for this?
Why not just be happy going at a slower pace if you’re getting on so we’ll.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 05/11/2021 20:04

Gosh - so much to feel unsure about, OP.

The rocky start (the early days are meant to be blissful), the ups and downs, the introducing him to your DC so early, the fact that’s he’s basically moved in to your place…

And you’re talking about moving in together and blending families?

ThinWomansBrain · 05/11/2021 20:07

doesn't sound that long to not introduce you to them - does sound quite soon to be discussing moving in together when you both have children.

How much time do they spend with him - if it's 50/50, that's rather different to if he only has them a couple of times a month.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 05/11/2021 20:08

It can’t be 50:50 if he’s around at the OP’s pretty much all the time……

GrandmasCat · 05/11/2021 20:11

Rocky start and thinking of moving together already before you meet his kids and less than a year on???

Fuck no.

There are sooooo many things that can go wrong when you throw kids from different parents in the same household, I would wait until you establish a relationship with his kids before moving together. This is not only for the sake of the children but for your own sake, what if the children are horrible, the mum is a psycho when she learns about you and your boyfriend is a lousy parent that lets them be nasty and disrespectful to you and your kid?

Honestly, do not go there. Get to know them, go past the honeymoon period and if after a couple of years move together… if you still want to.

GrandmasCat · 05/11/2021 20:17

And no, waiting a year to introduce the kids is counterproductive, it is better to introduce them in a casual basis (as in “this my friend Cat”, not “this is Cat the woman I’m going to marry/your future stepmother” when things are starting to get serious for the simple fact that you need to check if you are compatible with each other children BEFORE becoming a more committed relationship.

DroopyClematis · 05/11/2021 20:18

Please wait OP.

It would be so horrible for the children, particularly your young one, if attachments were formed then you realised that that your relationship doesn't work out.

That you had 'ups and downs' so early on sounds ominous .

You shouldn't be having ups and downs so early on... you should have ended it .

Cocomarine · 05/11/2021 20:33

His kids are not there to be trotted out to make you feel you’ve had a show of commitment.

They have nothing to gain from meeting you.

You didn’t introduce your 5yo because things were serious. Not when it was 3 months are if not still in the rocky patch, certainly can’t have been long after!

I’m guessing he met your son for the reason that most people I know who introduced their children early did - because you have them more than 50% so it made dating your partner easier. And I’m not going to hang you for that. But that doesn’t mean he owes you a meeting with his kids.

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/11/2021 21:08

3 months is far too soon to be introduced to your son, I think he is taking the right approach here , I've been withy boyfriend for over a year and he's not met my children yet, they know I have a boyfriend but they don't need to meet him yet .
Slow down trying to rush things it might make him back off even more .

PanicStationsAhh · 05/11/2021 21:17

He's being very sensible, 11 months is not that long I'm the grand scheme of things. And I agree with pp, his children are not there to be used as a sign of his commitment to you.

kierenthecommunity · 05/11/2021 21:41

How long has he been split from their mum? Has he had relationships since? And do they know he’s seeing you? Does he chat to them at yours and tell them where he is?

This ^ but also this v your own situation. For example if you’ve been separated from your son’s dad most of his life, or he’s not on the scene, but your boyfriend has only been separated from his children’s mum for a few months before meeting you , it’s an entirely different situation for each child/ren

ThirdElephant · 06/11/2021 09:05

@Cocomarine

His kids are not there to be trotted out to make you feel you’ve had a show of commitment.

They have nothing to gain from meeting you.

You didn’t introduce your 5yo because things were serious. Not when it was 3 months are if not still in the rocky patch, certainly can’t have been long after!

I’m guessing he met your son for the reason that most people I know who introduced their children early did - because you have them more than 50% so it made dating your partner easier. And I’m not going to hang you for that. But that doesn’t mean he owes you a meeting with his kids.

This.
GrandmasCat · 06/11/2021 16:16

I guess the big question is, has he introduced you to his friends and family? If not at all, you may be better of slowing down or ending the relationship all together as if this is him at his best during the honeymoon period, what is he going to be like when you are past it?

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone86 · 06/11/2021 19:39

I understand where everyone is coming from, it has been a whirlwind romance so to speak. I understand the it's way too soon posts I guess being older and knowing what we want is irrelevant I'm guessing no one here has fallen deeply so quickly. But I will clarify when I say rocky start I mean in terms of me being a bit guarded and not as open. I think the main thing that's gets to me is that the kids don't even know about me at all like it's a secret. He's called them once at mine but they didn't know where he was or who he was with. I guess I should have said aibu that they don't even know about me at all?

OP posts:
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