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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex leaves the kids on his day

52 replies

ncnewbaby · 04/11/2021 19:20

Ex has DTs3 1 day a week and I knew he took them to his mums house.

Whenever I've asked questions about what did daddy make you for tea etc they've always said Nana made us X, that kind of thing. But I assumed their dad was also there.

Then Monday they got back and I asked them how it was seeing daddy, they said daddy wasn't there he was working, we didn't see him.

AIBU to think this isn't on? To take the kids on his day and palm them off on his mum and not even see them?

I texted him about it and haven't got a reply.

OP posts:
Cofifeefee · 04/11/2021 19:24

Does he work every day he has them or was it a one off?

If it was a one off and they had a day with their gran, I don't see a problem. If he works every week, can you change the day he has them so he's off?

MushMonster · 04/11/2021 19:31

At least you have issues with his mother, I would leave it.
You mention he was at work, so it does not sound bad. If he was off to a big party, I would understand it.
You also mention that gran feeds them regularly, but I am not sure from your post if their father is with them or not.
It would be his lost if he is not investing the time to create a bond with them. But at least, they have a bond with Nan.

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 19:33

I don’t think it’s any of your business tbh, what he does on his contact time.

Waspsarearseholes · 04/11/2021 19:33

If he still lived with you he would presumably work some of the time? If he has regular working hours then he should definitely plan to have then when he'ss off but if his rota changes then he probably thought it was best to stick to the agreed day rather than change it every week depending on when he works?

Soontobe60 · 04/11/2021 19:34

@ncnewbaby

Ex has DTs3 1 day a week and I knew he took them to his mums house.

Whenever I've asked questions about what did daddy make you for tea etc they've always said Nana made us X, that kind of thing. But I assumed their dad was also there.

Then Monday they got back and I asked them how it was seeing daddy, they said daddy wasn't there he was working, we didn't see him.

AIBU to think this isn't on? To take the kids on his day and palm them off on his mum and not even see them?

I texted him about it and haven't got a reply.

Unless he’s leaving them with someone unsuitable, I’m afraid it has nothing to do with you who they are with. Leaving them with their grandparents is fine!
FawnFrenchieMum · 04/11/2021 19:38

I think we need more info, is this the only time he sees them, is he working every time or as a one off, has he ever tried to change the day and you’ve declined?
Ideally he should be seeing them in his contact time but on the flip side we see time and time again on MN, that dad has said he can’t have the kids as he’s working and everyone says, tough that’s his problem to sort childcare.
Are you up for swapping days so he can see them when he’s not working?

UnsolicitedDickPic · 04/11/2021 19:38

I get what you're saying; obviously it's disappointing for the kids that they don't get to see their dad on contact days. But the reality is, unfortunately you can't dictate what happens during that time. I guess the upside is, they get to see their GPs lots.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/11/2021 19:38

He has them one day a week so yes it shouldn't be his work day.

It does depend on if its a one off or every week.

Does he have fixed days off.

He obviously isn't bonding if he is never there

Kite22 · 04/11/2021 19:40

@Cofifeefee

Does he work every day he has them or was it a one off?

If it was a one off and they had a day with their gran, I don't see a problem. If he works every week, can you change the day he has them so he's off?

This ^

I mean, it isn't really anything to do with you what he does on his day, but it does seem a shame for him to miss out if having them on a different day means he gets more time with them.

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 19:40

Sadly you can't do anything.. Court order told me I had to get my dc ready for 8 am on a Saturday.. For ex to drop them at his dps.
Then Saturday night they were home alone when he went to the pub...
While I sat in my house..

Theunamedcat · 04/11/2021 19:41

Was he supposed to be seeing them?

DriftingBlue · 04/11/2021 19:43

You could ask for “right of first refusal” to be added to the parenting agreement. Basically if the parent is not going to be taking care of the child themselves for an extended period of time, like an entire work shift or at least 4 hours of recreation time, they have to offer to allow the other parent the kids for that time before securing a babysitter. You don’t want it added if the other parent is a flake because it has to be reciprocal and the other parent might commit and then not show up.

Original poster
ncnewbaby · 04/11/2021 19:49

@Cofifeefee

Does he work every day he has them or was it a one off?

If it was a one off and they had a day with their gran, I don't see a problem. If he works every week, can you change the day he has them so he's off?

He doesn't work regular hours but asked to have them that particular day every week. He always takes them to his parents house every time and I had the suspicion maybe he wasn't around because firstly his mum tends to take over in general, and secondly every question has been answered 'Nana did XYZ' with no mention of their dad.
OP posts:
Original poster
ncnewbaby · 04/11/2021 19:50

@Starlightstarbright1

He has them one day a week so yes it shouldn't be his work day.

It does depend on if its a one off or every week.

Does he have fixed days off.

He obviously isn't bonding if he is never there

exactly, he's not bonding with them if he's just taking them to his parents and letting them do everything, or not even going to see them
OP posts:
AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 19:53

My first thought was that it's up to him. But I can see why it would be annoying and not best for the children to not spend time with their dad.

Would it be possible to get an agreement that if dad can't look after the kids you should be asked first? I expect they are enjoying time at their nans but it's not really what contact is for.

Theunamedcat · 04/11/2021 19:54

So he is basically not engaged with his own children?

You can speak to him about it if you want but you cannot force him to be a parent he will be the one suffering long term when they decide not to prioritise him in there lives ive seen it play out twice here with my kids dad number one decided to pass her off to nanny while he played on the PlayStation with his brothers no relationship anymore

Dad two prioritise his girlfriend his social life his relaxation time everything but his children eldest child sees him sporadically youngest not at all

RandomMess · 04/11/2021 19:59

You can't force him to be a decent Dad unfortunately.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 04/11/2021 20:01

No it's not on. But it will be his loss in the end.

ginswinger · 04/11/2021 20:02

Flip it round-would you be happy with him questioning you about how much time you spent with the kids?
I do agree with you, it's less than ideal, however they sound as though they are being left with someone responsible and caring and well looked after.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 04/11/2021 20:04

I can see it from both sides. It does seem rather pointless for him to have contact on a day he's at work.

But, otoh, he has them regularly which means you can plan things that day. And arranging childcare around work is part of being a parent.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/11/2021 20:07

@ginswinger

Flip it round-would you be happy with him questioning you about how much time you spent with the kids? I do agree with you, it's less than ideal, however they sound as though they are being left with someone responsible and caring and well looked after.
If i only got to see my dc once a week i woukd expect to spend that time with my dc and if i had to work would ask to swap.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/11/2021 20:08

I think we do need some more info. Is it usually his day off? Does he have a fixed day off.

Would you have wanted the kids to be with you ideally, but he wanted to have them?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/11/2021 20:09

But I do agree that if I only had the chance to be with my kids once a week I’d make sure I was with them!

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 20:12

Did he do much for them when you were together? My exh was a Do Fuck All Df. Never changed...

Original poster
ncnewbaby · 04/11/2021 20:13

He just texted me 'yeah I'm on holiday.'

...

OP posts: