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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex leaves the kids on his day

52 replies

ncnewbaby · 04/11/2021 19:20

Ex has DTs3 1 day a week and I knew he took them to his mums house.

Whenever I've asked questions about what did daddy make you for tea etc they've always said Nana made us X, that kind of thing. But I assumed their dad was also there.

Then Monday they got back and I asked them how it was seeing daddy, they said daddy wasn't there he was working, we didn't see him.

AIBU to think this isn't on? To take the kids on his day and palm them off on his mum and not even see them?

I texted him about it and haven't got a reply.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 20:15

Tbh I don’t think it’s bad, many mums complain that on their exes days he won’t have the kids because he’s busy or working and think it’s his job to rearrange child care rather than just refusing to have them 🤷‍♀️

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/11/2021 20:21

Its rubbish if he always does this. But assuming his mum is a decent person and you are happy for her to have a relationship with your kids then it's good that they are spending some time with her and you dont have to facilitate it

AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 20:30

@ncnewbaby

He just texted me 'yeah I'm on holiday.'

...

Does he even want contact time with them?! Maybe grandparents came to some sort of arrangement with him as they were worried they wouldn't see them.
AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 20:31

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Its rubbish if he always does this. But assuming his mum is a decent person and you are happy for her to have a relationship with your kids then it's good that they are spending some time with her and you dont have to facilitate it
Good point.
AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 20:32

Would CMS make him pay more maintenance if they knew the kids weren't with him?

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 20:44

@AchyFlower

Would CMS make him pay more maintenance if they knew the kids weren't with him?
Of course not, do you think cms would pay op less if her kids slept at her parents once a week 🤦🏻
AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 20:51

Well the question on the government calculator is:

How often does the child stay overnight with the paying parent?

So if the answer is none he leaves them with his parents every time I didn't know how strict they were with their definitions.

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 21:03

@AchyFlower

Well the question on the government calculator is:

How often does the child stay overnight with the paying parent?

So if the answer is none he leaves them with his parents every time I didn't know how strict they were with their definitions.

It doesn’t count it’s on his contact time and he’s made arrangements for them, you can’t seriously think if a mum has a baby sitter once a week that she would get less maintenance what she arranges on her time is her business as they are with HIS parents it counts as HIS time whether he is physically there or not
Dacquoise · 04/11/2021 21:15

It takes a certain type of arse that delegates precious limited contact time with his children to someone else, even if they are grandparents. My exH used to leave our DD home alone in his house even though she was frightened to go play golf until the afternoon. Told her not to tell me. She no longer has any relationship with him. I wonder why Hmm

Original poster
ncnewbaby · 04/11/2021 21:23

@Dacquoise that's how I feel. It's not like he's tied up and arranged his parents to step in this one time. It's being too lazy and caring too little to even invest in seeing them the one day a week.
It's not just the one situation with him, this is always the attitude.
I didn't reply to his text, don't want it to be me nagging, he should feel ashamed himself

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 04/11/2021 21:30

Unfortunately there is little you can do about this. You can't make him interested, concerned or engaged in his own children. I suspect this is why he is your ex in the first place. I would try to disengage if I were you, it's wasted energy and he will reap the consequences eventually. The upside is you get the rewards from being a proper parent.

inmyslippers · 04/11/2021 21:33

No it's not on. But it will be his loss in the end.

^^ this you can't force him to parent.

cushioncovers · 04/11/2021 21:38

My exh used to do this all the time. He never took responsibility for his kids, it was always his parents that had them on 'his day'. It's lazy shitty parenting imo

AcrossthePond55 · 04/11/2021 21:58

I guess my questions would be 1-are the children safe with their nan? 2-am I benefitting from the time to myself?

Yes, he's a shit not to value his time with his children. But if their nan is a loving and good grandma who respects your relationship with them as their mother, then they're benefitting from their time with her. And if their time with her means that you get a bit of R&R and/or time to catch up on things then that's good for you too, isn't it? Again, he's a shit, but be sure you're considering things from all sides as to your possible benefit.

The only alternative would be to get a court order saying you have 'right of first refusal' if he isn't going to actually be there to care for the DC. Meaning that he must ask you if you want to keep the DC with you if he's going to be needing childcare. But if that means that he never actually sees the DC because he won't prioritize time with them and if you don't want his mother to have them, then you won't get any kind of a break to 'recharge'. It could also mean that you must give him right of 1st refusal, too.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/11/2021 22:03

At last they are maintaining their relationship with what appear to to be caring grandparents.

WonderfulYou · 04/11/2021 22:06

I’m on the fence.

As he doesn’t have regular hours then he is going to sometimes have to work on the day he has them. And it’s good he’s not the type to say I can’t have them today as I’m working.

It’s also nice that they get to see their grandparents regularly too which most kids and grandparents would enjoy.

However he could just be a lazy shit and makes his mum do everything.
But regardless it is his contact time do he can do whatever he wants with them really.

lisaandalan · 04/11/2021 22:19

It's his loss. X

Chocolatewheatos · 04/11/2021 22:30

As much as it's shit. They're spending time with a doting grandparents and he's not interested so they're not missing out on him. Probably better for them this way tbh

liveforsummer · 04/11/2021 22:41

He's honouring his days and providing appropriate childcare with a suitable family member due to work . Not sure where the complaint is?!

Duckrace · 04/11/2021 22:45

@TurnUpTurnip

I don’t think it’s any of your business tbh, what he does on his contact time.
What contact?
TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 22:50

They are with his parents so yes it’s his contact time say way if a mum arranged childcare when the kids are with her...

TurnUpTurnip · 04/11/2021 22:52

@liveforsummer

He's honouring his days and providing appropriate childcare with a suitable family member due to work . Not sure where the complaint is?!
Exactly, the same posters on here would be complaining if the dad refused to have the kids because he had to work expecting the op to have them on what is suppose to be his contact time you would see posters going mad that it’s his responsibility to arrange child care on his day (seen it on here before) seems the NRP can never win
AchyFlower · 05/11/2021 00:55

@TurnUpTurnip

They are with his parents so yes it’s his contact time say way if a mum arranged childcare when the kids are with her...
Difference is he only "sees" them 1 day a week
smoko · 05/11/2021 02:04

You can’t control what he does on his time, as long as the kids are well cared for

However don’t worry about the now - because in time they will grow up to realise who was truly present & interested in them as people.

Original poster
ncnewbaby · 05/11/2021 09:58

Thanks all, just to reiterate it's not about scheduling childcare, it's the general attitude of cba to see the kids. He takes them to his mum's every time and then doesn't interact with them (I assume from past experience) and this time he didn't even see them as apparently he's on holiday.

I know I can't do anything about it but the selfish attitude just frustrates me, and the fact it's facilitated by his mum, she should she tell him to spend time with and look after his own kids.

OP posts: