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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about your couple social life

44 replies

Kitchendisco21 · 04/11/2021 18:08

My DP is really antisocial - doesn’t really have many friends, doesn’t like going out, is quite socially awkward. I am the total opposite and am quite sociable and have a wide circle of friends who I hang out with. As a result we don’t really have a couple social life. We holiday/spend camping weekends/new year with old mates but no one else & they don’t live local to us.

I have work friends/mum friends/ old friends/Uni friends etc and socialise in different ways with all of them both where I live and in other places too.

Someone called us weird today as we don’t socialise as a couple & it’s made me feel paranoid. I’m really independent & never thought it an issue before but clearly other people think it’s strange that I am not joined at the hip with my OH.

Aibu to ask about your social life?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/11/2021 18:11

As long as it doesn’t bother you that he doesn’t socialise with you then it’s all good

My dh and I socialise together regularly and separately

JustLyra · 04/11/2021 18:13

We have a disabled child so nights out tend to be one or other of us as she's too big for MIL to lift alone now. Couple nights tend to be special occasions when MIL & SIL will mind her together.

That said we often socialised individually anyway. DH and his friends are heavily into politics and their ideal day out would be hiking, whisky tasting then a taster menu somewhere. Whereas me and my mates are more wine and a natter types.

The only really couple things we did was sport matches and a few drinks after with people we knew from there.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/11/2021 18:18

Most of our friends are mutual friends so we socialise together a lot but do also see friends independently.

If you aren’t fussed then it’s a non-issue. But if your friends know your DH is antisocial and difficult in social situations then I suspect they think it upsets or bothers you as you aren’t “choosing” to do things independently but essentially being forced to.

galacticpixels · 04/11/2021 18:18

It's a mix for us. Often we socialise with our friends separately but if it's a big gathering the other will join later in the evening if others are having their partners join. We also have one couple who we often meet together for gigs etc.

I would often meet friends 1-1 and DP would never join then. Same for when he meets his friends 1-1.

riotlady · 04/11/2021 18:27

We don’t have much of a couples social life, really. We’re both quite introverted, DH doesn’t socialise really but games with friends online. I see my best friends who live locally every week or two and meet up with mum/school friends occasionally.

DH gets on well with my best friends’ husbands so 2 or 3 times a year we’ll all do something together like going camping but that’s much harder to organise because of kids. That’s the only time we’d really socialise together (other than with family). Never felt weird to me!

BiscuitLover09876 · 04/11/2021 18:29

Same situation as you. Not a problem. I know lots of men like this. Lots of my friends husbands are the same.

harpervalentine · 04/11/2021 18:30

Your relationship, your business. Whoever called you weird is being rude. As long as you're both happy with it, that's great.

I am in a similar position to you so I don't at all think you're weird. DP is shy, so we tend to socialise with small groups of friends - say, no more than two other couples. I am also very independent, as is he, so I am very happy to go out, while he stays in, or vice versa.

In addition, socialising and doing everything together isn't always great. ExH and I had a hugely enmeshed circle of mutual friends that we did everything with in our 20s and early 30s. While we've been able to stay friends with everyone, and still socialise with each other at weddings, etc, I've never felt that confident bringing DP if ex is going to be there, and I sometimes get tired of having to be "sociable harper" when, quite frankly, the last person I can be arsed to spend any time in the company of is feckless ex!! So having your own lives is, in that sense, a very good thing. Hopefully you won't split up, but I hope you get what I mean.

Ragwort · 04/11/2021 18:35

DH and I rarely socialise together, hasn't been a problem & we have been married over 30 years . We have hardly any 'couple' friends ... and I am not that keen on DH's friends and he feels the same about mine!
We also like doing different things, he is massively into sport whereas I am not... I think it's more odd when couples are totally dependent on each other for their social life. We holiday separately too.

hellcatspangle · 04/11/2021 18:36

We do both, we have our own friends who we go out with separately but there are a few couples who we go out with for drinks or a meal. It doesn't really matter what your friends think as long as you are both happy with it.

Original poster

Kitchendisco21 · 04/11/2021 18:37

Also, with an ex our lives were completely entwined & it was really tricky when we split up. We have remained good friends but it took a long time & I had to start again essentially

OP posts:

3scape · 04/11/2021 18:39

YABU to question what has obviously been working for you. Don't let someone else's insecurities get to you.

Fwiw we don't really have a social life, which sucks. But my middle child has been ill with mental health problems for a few years, before that the youngest was too young for a babysitter.

Occasionally we go out during days if they are all at school and meet up with one of two local friends.

3scape · 04/11/2021 18:40

*sometimes my DH goes out too but with middle I can't leave at all

lazylinguist · 04/11/2021 18:42

We don't have much of a couple social life. We're beginning to go for the odd night out just the two of us a bit more now the dc are older, but we don't go out in a social circle etc. Tbh we don't have many local friends - we'd happily go out more together if we did, but equally we're not that fussed!

MissAmbrosia · 04/11/2021 18:48

Ours is very mixed. We moved abroad donkey's year ago and I put a lot of time and effort in to making friends and have about 4 different sets. DH mixed with work mates only. Over time he's joined in with some of my groups but not others We do entertain quite often. So I am quite busy but he gets included enough not to feel too left out. Normally in non-covid times we would go "home" several times a year and there he has a solid group of friends he's known for ever, as do I, so then we would split up or not.

furbabymama87 · 04/11/2021 18:50

We've got four young kids so rarely get to socialise full stop. If I do have a rare night with friends he will stay with the kids. If family babysit for us, I'd rather go out just the two of us just because we very rarely get to spend time together, just the two of us. So socialising together never happens.

RobinPenguins · 04/11/2021 18:52

We’ve never really socialised as a couple. I have my friends and he has his. He might come along to something with my friends or vice versa but we don’t have any “joint friends”. I much prefer it that way, I don’t get to spend enough time with my own friends as it is.

thetwofridas · 04/11/2021 18:58

If it helps I once had a few friends who found it odd when couples socialised together! People have their own notions about what is "weird" or not, as a PP said it's rude to mention it to you and perhaps reflects their own insecurities.

We have a mutual friend group so often end up socialising together, but do spend time with our own friends as well. We are also somewhat similar to you in that I am more extroverted than he is! As long as you and your partner are comfortable then that's what matters.

Zenithbear · 04/11/2021 18:59

We're both very sociable and have lots of friends. We go out together, separately, in a big group, small group, with other couples. He gets on with my friends and I his generally and we have quite a few mutual friends. If we go to one of our two locals we often don't talk to each other until the end of the night because there are so many people to catch up with. We're happy with this and it never get boring.

Holidaytan · 04/11/2021 19:00

We don’t really have a joint one.
I have my friends and go out and do stuff with them and I do things with my DH too. He doesn’t see the point of friends - never has………
He’s happy, I’m happy…….

gogohm · 04/11/2021 19:03

We go out quite a bit but often just the two of us. We've moved here just before lockdown so don't know many people

Plumpkinn · 04/11/2021 19:04

My DH is the sociable one.

I go with him when necessary or when it's something I fancy, but not if I don't want to.

I'll go for quiet dinners or pub nights with friends, and for the big family/friends wedding if it's people I like.

I decline the metal club nights/piss up weekends/karaoke or pub quiz occasions.

We're both happy! He goes to hideous loud events, I stay home with the cat and some films. 👍

TedMullins · 04/11/2021 19:07

I don’t think it’s weird at all! It’s good to maintain your own life and independence and not be joined at the hip

scarpa · 04/11/2021 19:20

We do a bit of both.

Most of our friends we see both together and separately, depending on the vibe - i.e. beer festival day out, we'll go as a group, catch up to talk about life we'd go alone.

I have one group of friends (well, 3 people) he's not hugely into hanging out with and I think the feeling is mutual (no bad reason, they're very old friends from school I probably wouldn't be friends with if I met them now, and both he and I are VERY different from them). I see them 4-5 times a year and tend to do that alone, as he wouldn't fancy it and their husbands aren't usually invited either.

He has friends from a hobby he sees alone because I'd be bored stiff haha.

Family visits we tend to do together.

We're both quite similarly matched - introverts who don't love lengthy/constant social obligations and who do love being at home haha! Neither of us are seeing friends 3 times a week. Maybe 1 planned type thing a month - lunch or tea out or a gig etc, which we tend to do together regardless of whose friends (as long as we're both invited obvs). A few catch up brews/drinks after work with friends a month we tend to do alone. And then maybe 1 family visit a month, plus a drop in from me to my mum at another point.

Soupseason · 04/11/2021 19:30

We very rarely socialise together. He gets along with a few of my friends partners & I get along with a few of his partners so we maybe have dinner& drinks with them a couple times a year. I have a small group if friends that I see often as does he. Our social circle has got much smaller over the years and it suits us.

TractorAndHeadphones · 04/11/2021 20:18

We’re like you - DP the homebody gamer and me the social butterfly.
We were friends before we started dating and meet with the friend group but not as a ‘couple’ ifyswim. Otherwise he has his friends and I have mins, we mix if appropriate but the need for a partner doesn’t occur to me.

A lot of our friends moved away during lockdown - I’m trying to make new ones with Meetup groups and thé like, he doesn’t really care. I’m not a very meet up with friends person but since we WFH j do miss seeing people out and about!

The exception is family events of course we’re both invited.

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