To ask for your help to kick me up the arse?

[Clementineapples]

Had a hell of a year.
Both my parents died.
My fiancé left me and I’m pregnant.
DS is severely autistic, needs me to wash him, brush teeth, help him with all self care etc

I am EXHAUSTED. I am depressed. My house is a shit tip.
DS finally in school after years of exclusions and I come home, sit and stare at the mess or go to bed.

I want a nice clean home, I want to cook fresh meals, I want to walk the dogs, I want to exercise. I want to work towards making my own money (how?!) I want a life.

How do I deal with the depression, the grief, the challenges with my son and actually get my arse into gear to help myself? I’m making myself worse by wallowing but can’t seem to actually get out of it 😭

You don’t need a kick, you need support!!

What support are you getting with your son? Does his dad do any care? Are you getting DLA and carers allowance? Can you afford to pay for any respite care? If not is there a way for you to ask social services for an assessment to see if they can offer any support?

See your GP for your depression, you mightn’t be able to take any medication while pregnant but they can get you some counselling and maybe refer on to other services. Fwiw depression is exhausting in itself. It zaps every spare bit of energy you have.

Thank you, I’m on anti depressants, gp said they don’t offer anything else but I can contact cruse which I do on occasion.

Unfortunately just me and my boy but thankfully we do get dla and carers.

To be honest I’d speak to my mum several times a day and she would be there for me, this will be the first Christmas without them. It was just me with them both when they passed and so I don’t have anyone to share that kind of grief with if you see what I mean?

I feel like if I can get on top of the house and do something for myself I can help myself out of the depression a bit.

Agree with comments about needing support.
When I am struggling with getting on top of the home ( all the time), I go into one room and set my watch timer for 5 mins and just do a tidy up till it goes off. Then do the same in another room etc. It doesn't get everything done but it does help get a bit done and it feels more manageable than just facing everything!

I go into one room and set my watch timer for 5 mins and just do a tidy up till it goes off.

That’s a really good idea. I think I could manage 5 minutes knowing that’s all it is!

Gosh this sounds so hard. I'm sorry for your losses.

Just tackle things 1 at a time. 1 room at a time, or as pp suggested x amount of time in each room. Whatever feels manageable to you.

Are there any support groups for parent/carers of children with SEN in your area. They are always a good place for support and meeting other parents who understand what your life is like. It's always easier to accept and cope when you know you are not alone.

Sorry I didn’t get back to this thread earlier OP. You’re processing so much right now, you’re grieving, your pregnant, your parenting a high needs child alone, as well as running your home and your pets alone. This sounds like a platitude but i really mean this when I say, go easy on yourself. Take the pressure off. Yes, it will be great to have a tidy house and be fit and feel great, buy your brain and your body are already working on so much, so give yourself permission to forget about all the rest. You will actually be amazed at how much more you manage to do when you arent putting pressure on yourself to do things.

I would focus on getting consistently good sleep. Including napping when your son is at school. Sleep is pretty much the basis of everything. When it is disordered, we haven’t a hope in hell of doing everything else we need to do. So I would make that your only goal right now.

OMG, please goes easy on yourself!!

Sorry for your losses.

Great idea to start small, 5 or 10 minute timers, start in 1 room, in 1 corner and then you know where you got to and can start from there on the next one.

However, self-care and sleep should be your top priority when your son is at school!

Good luck with everything OP, I wish I knew you so I could help

Where is your favourite place to sit comfortably in your home? Can you start from there and make a little dent on the mess surrounding it, and gradually work outwards a little bit at a time? That way when you stop you can enjoy your achievements.

Thank you.
I cared for both parents, my son and the dogs for weeks while my mum recovered from surgery and my dad passed away. 2 days after the funeral mum was diagnosed and I went back to look after her, I stayed with her in hospice for a few weeks until she passed away. It’s been 5 months since mum and I still feel very lost and adrift, we would talk constantly. It’s been just over a year since I went to care for them both, I feel like when mums things were sorted out and there was nothing to do I just stopped and I’m struggling to get started again.
I do obviously look after my son, hospital appointments, meds, care etc he has another surgery coming up which is going to be horrid, I also walk the dogs and care for them, but some days (most days) I don’t eat or even brush my teeth. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

All of that was actually irrelevant I guess I just don’t have anyone to talk to!

I like that idea Flev, thank you

You’re not letting anyone down pet. You’re really not. You were the one holding everyone together and you’re still doing it. Honestly, take some time and recognise how much you have been doing and give yourself a great big thank you for it. The world is very hard on most of us. There are lots of people out there ready to stick the boot in and make us feel shit- we don’t need to do that to ourselves as well. We need to counteract it with lovely positive words. Even if you don’t quite believe them about yourself just yet, pretend you’re telling your son how wonderful he is.

Thank you @RachelHasThoseInBurgundy that really means a lot.

I think you are doing amazingly well. I too am sorry for your loss.

Rather than the 5 minute timer id set myself a 20 tasks challenge. Simply sort 20 things. It might be put a cup in the sink, put the bin out, put a pair of pants in a drawer. Id either find a momentum and end up doing a bit more or at least id have dealt with 20 things.

@Clementineapples

All of that was actually irrelevant I guess I just don’t have anyone to talk to!

I like that idea Flev, thank you

Actually it was completely relevant. It sounds like your focus was caring for your parents, which has left a void now they've gone - "I feel like when mums things were sorted out and there was nothing to do I just stopped and I’m struggling to get started again."

Start taking care of yourself the way you take care of your son, and took care of your parents. Hold yourself with the same kindness that you hold/held them. Baby steps, like the five minute timer, but as they say, you can't pour from an empty cup, so self care is as important as running around after everyone else

OP take a look at the app frolo it's for single parents and a lovely community where people can share their ups and downs and sometimes meet ups etc.

Please give yourself a break.
Sweetheart, you are going through one of worst traumas in the world, the loss of one parent is enough to floor most people but both!? I could barely breathe most days when my Mum passed. The physical symptoms of grieving are just as bad as the emotional ones. On top of that everything else going on around you- even wonder woman couldn't cope with that.
Take it hour by hour then day by day, but just know that you are amazing and a very strong lady indeed.

I have no insight into help regarding your child as I haven't been in that position but with your house, I used to be watching tv to help "zone" out and then say I had the commercial break to do one job. It helped that there was a time limit but sometimes once I just got started the momentum would build and I would do something else as well. Baby steps sweetheart.

Awhhh Wow Op, my heart goes out to you, you have such a lot on your plate. I agree with the others in taking baby steps. You are some woman for one woman. I think you are amazing.

Thank you all, it is so appreciated, more than you know

Sending enormous hugs. As everyone says, be nice to you. Things that might help..letting yourself cry whenever you want to - pull the car into a lay-by and just sob. It will get it out of your system a lot quicker than if you hold it in.
Saying things to yourself like..’ well done! I got the breakfast made’ ‘oh good for me, I cleaned my teeth, that’s really well done’ it sounds a bit mad/ forced at first but I found it to be super powerful for changing that ‘I’m useless’ youRe amazing x

Sending and You need support and help not a kick ! You sound like things are tough and you're doing much better than you give yourself credit for. Are you able to get any respite for your son?

Be kind to yourself.

What would you say and do for someone else in your position? You'd treat them so gently. You'd do nice little things for them, give them little treats, run them baths, tell them to sleep lots whenever they could and to eat. You'd tell them not to worry too much about mess (just to tidy/clean during adverts or race-tidy while the kettle comes to the boil - it adds up fast and feels manageable) and you'd buy them some multi vitamins and some easy to prepare meals and smoothies.

Treat yourself in the kind, understanding way you would treat someone else. You have a lot of recovery and healing to do and time plus rest is a huge part of that. xxxx

I feel like you need a good friend close by OP. If you were my friend I'd be round with a hug, a precooked meal and I'd help you whiz round the house. But mostly I'd just be there to listen and let you share these feelings.

Do you have any friends local? Or even on the phone? Do you have a tendency to keep things to yourself and hold it all together until it can't?

You definitely deserve some love and care: you sound like an amazing mum and daughter.

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP. What a year.

I’m hoping to make friends when baby is born, there’s people I talk to but that’s it really. From preschool I had to drop off/pick up ds at different times to everyone else, then he was part time and excluded from primary. He’s just started secondary and the children walk themselves to school. I still have to drop him off and pick up in a different place to everyone else. So I’ve never had that meeting other mums at the school gates, his exclusions meant I couldn’t hold down a job and him being home meant I didn’t go out or socialise or anything. It’s been 9 years of this and now I feel like I can’t work, can’t go out, can’t do anything because I’m waiting for that phone call.