Health visitors, WIBU to opt out?

[Alldayallnight]

I know you can opt out I'm just wondering how many do, and how that is perceived?

It's my third baby so I know the ropes, I don't feel as though I need any particular advice and should I ever have a health concern my first port of call would be the GP. I have support, a DH and family. I'll take baby to clinic to be weighed occasionally however he's making fab progress according to the midwife.

I was told somebody from the HV team would be round this morning at 9.30 so I was up and rushing about, doing dishes and hoovering despite very little sleep, because despite what people say they do take notice to an extent.

They then called at 9.30 and said they had to reschedule for tomorrow which was annoying.

It got me to thinking how unnessecary it all feels and how I don't really want them coming round anyway. I'd prefer to opt out.

AIBU?

I was dreading HV this time S found my last one pretty hard work but my new one has been today and I have to say she was entirely sensible and really nice to talk to and gave me one or two bits of advice that I'd totally forgotten from last time. So it might be worth seeing them for this first one at least and tick the box then decide what you want to do about future visits?

I had DS’s 2.5 year check and DD’s 1 year check on the same day last month- she asked if she could look round the whole house- thankfully it wasn’t too bad but I hadn’t been expecting that! Apparently the area of the UK I’m in has the highest rate of childhood accidents and they’ve been asked to do whole house checks to advise people of any dangers they spot. I get it makes sense it just feels so invasive somehow! (I know I could have said no- but that seems like it would flag as suspicious to them!). I’ve had a mix with my 3- some HVs have made me really anxious about ‘issues’ that weren’t actually issues, some have been brilliant.

I tried to opt out with my 4th child. The amount of calls and letters I had was unbelievable. I was just told they'd make the appointments anyway and if I didn't want them I'd have to phone to cancel each appointment. There was seemingly no way of actually opting out of all subsequent visits. It was bloody ridiculous.
With my 5th, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of going through all that again so I agreed to visits again. She's now 2 and has only been seen once, at 8 weeks. You couldn't make it up.
Sometimes it's easier to grit your teeth and smile.

I find it highly disturbing that people agree to having HVs visit out of fear.

It's why we didn't opt out with third - with second there was constant subtle threats to report to SS. There were no issues and I rationally knew then that SS wouldn't be interested but constant unannounced drop bys and hizzy fits if I was out got to me even though I was finding services and building a support network. In end I got extened family and DH involved they came to weigh -ins and pushed back at some of the behavior.

I actually told my HV there were plenty of others that needed her help -patronising visits- after I had DC2 and if I needed advice I was quite capable of finding it out myself.

Mind you, that was 20 years ago. Now I’d probably be on some sort of ‘watch’ list and under suspicion after refusing her services!

With my 5th, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of going through all that again so I agreed to visits again. She's now 2 and has only been seen once, at 8 weeks. You couldn't make it up. Sometimes it's easier to grit your teeth and smile.

Yes. We've recently had an HV visit for my newborns. I was surprised to find that my older DD is still under the HV team (at four) - she hasn't been seen since 3/4 weeks?

Depends on the HV. My first was awful. Ds didn’t continue to gain weight on the same line, although he was still gaining. She acted as though I was lazy and deliberately starving him and told me that he really should be on the bottle now so I could see how much he was getting. He was my pfb and I was terrified I was doing something wrong. I continued to bf but did supplement with 2 bottles a day as I was so concerned. He never got back to his original graph line though.

My second HV was a truly wonderful woman. When dd’s weight gain went the same way (both of mine were relatively heavy when born, but didn’t maintain the same percentile although they always gained) I broke down in tears as I couldn’t believe it was happening again and thought I was doing something drastically wrong. She was absolutely wonderful. I don’t generally do hugs from randoms, but she gave me a massive one while I cried and told me that there was nothing at all to worry about. She said it was obvious just by looking at them that my kids were perfectly fine and although they were born ‘on the sturdy side’ (her lovely way of putting it) they were likely just meant to be lighter in the end, but did I want her to call in every couple of days on her way home, just to weigh her and put my mind at ease. She was true to her word and if I’m honest I began to really look forward to her visits. She came about 5pm and weighed dd then stayed for a cuppa. She gave me some great tips for managing two kids and spent time chatting with ds (who also loved her as she complimented his expert use of safety scissors).

After my first I never wanted to see another HV again but I’m so glad I gave the second a chance. I have never forgotten her reassurance and kindness at a time when I really needed it and I’m sure that if all HV were like her there would be far fewer mothers wanting to opt out.

she asked if she could look round the whole house

Wow. See this is another thing I can't be bothered with. I don't want them looking around the place beyond the living area, it's just invasive. I'm sure they'd have something to say about the fact that DC1 and 2 are sharing a bedroom too. Lack of space and definitely need another bedroom. We are Intending to move, however.

I'm going to refuse. I don't want some random person walking around our private spaces looking at everything and making notes. No way.

LuaDipa
I think you're right that it depends on the HV.

If we had been able to have one health visitor (the kind but no nonsense one, who listened, signposted, was very informative and clearly cared about families in the early months) then I would be celebrating how useful the visits were and would have nothing but praise.

In reality we had a revolving door of HV, most took no notice of our family circumstances. The worst was patronising and instead of listening to me about what doctors had said for DC, tried to blame my parenting for medical issues.

I understand they're overworked and probably short staffed, but when safeguarding is rightly everyone's business, being an arsehole to people and saying things to families that aren't relevant to them doesn't build a positive relationship or make people want to engage.

So the HV came, really nice woman fortunately. No desire to look around the place and said she can see I know what I'm doing after 3 so won't patronize me with the basics.

She is referring baby for the BCG at my request, answered some of my questions about BF'ing and said she'll pop back at 6-8 weeks.

I'm glad I didn't make a fuss of opting out now. I had it in my head she was going to want to do a home inspection and patronize me

Good update OP. I'm glad you got one of the nice ones.
Our first one was like that. It's a shame we got arsey jobsworths when the nice one left. DC and i joked later that she must have got fed up working with the other sour faced, patronising arseholes

Nice update @Alldayallnight. I have several family & friends who are HV and what they would say is many very middle class women went into the profession 15+ years ago. Now there is growing diversity in who is training, women from less affluent backgrounds and nurses who really understand some of the things that desperately need to change. I think due to the nature of the job it may attract less evolved people, but it's nice to see there are some changes. Someone mentioned student HV being shocked/uncomfortable with HV language/judgement, that is my family member and friends experiences too as students, feeling like they walked into a professional space that desperately needed changing to really benefit women & children.

I'd opt out. I find the home visits odd as I had DS overseas. I had a midwife come round a few days after birth to check on both of us, then after that you made appointments at the early childhood clinic. There were certain ages you were meant to go for a development check, otherwise only if there was an issue or you had concerns. Someone coming to my house would just stress me out!

I opted out after calling to find out when I’d get a visit…baby was 11 months old and at this point abs was told I clearly didn’t need any help as I’d never called. Just opt out.

DS was born in the first lockdown. We had a video call with HV and they advised to call them if we were worried about anything. Never contacted them as honestly no idea what they do. Not heard from them since. PPs talking about reviews and checks- we’ve had none of it