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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playground mums

60 replies

Vicky1110 · 04/11/2021 08:55

Hello, not AIBU but not sure where to post.

Dropping ds off at school this morning I saw one of the other mums in her car and it looked like she was crying, and her DH walked off towards home. And I'm just wondering should I message her and see if she is ok? I'm guessing most people will say no because she would talk to me if she wanted to, but just wanted to see what people thought (i.e. whether you would want someone to ask if you were ok or stay out orlf you business).

For reference I know she doesn't have work today and saw her drive towards her home, and she has briefly explained some issues that she/they are having at the moment.

So I guess YABU - stay out of it, don't message her.
YANBU - message her to see if she's alright.

Tia x

OP posts:
notthemum · 04/11/2021 09:28

@Billy1966 The OP is the one who is younger.
OP, you could text as a pp suggested and just say Hi, I'm at home today do let me know if you fancy a coffee.
But if she doesn't reply then leave her alone.

AlexandraEiffel · 04/11/2021 09:31

I'd message. And I'd be touched if someone messaged me. Not in a prying way, but in a I'm here if you want a chat way. I have messaged in similar situations and it never crossed my mind it wouldn't be the thing to do.

Upamountain43 · 04/11/2021 09:33

I would message but with a definite get out for her - say something like - you saw her and thought she looked upset but you weren't sure and could be wrong. Either way does she fancy a coffee?

Gives her a chance to deny it all if she does not want to tell you

AlexandraEiffel · 04/11/2021 09:34

Just to add, re what to say. I would mention you saw her upset. Else she doesn't know if it's a coincidence that you've asked or as someone offering support. Which might then be awkward. I'd say something like 'I noticed you looked a bit upset at drop off today. I hope you're ok, I'm here for a chat if you need one? X'

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/11/2021 09:35

You could message like "what time is the X / do you know how much it is for Y? Fancy that coffee we keep saying we'll have?"

Babyshadows · 04/11/2021 09:36

"Hello, saw you on the school run this morning, looking abit upset? Hope you're ok, I'm free this week if you wanted to meet up for that cuppa we always talk about ❤". That's what I would send. I think it would be fine to reach out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/11/2021 09:40

I’ve been that Mum. I’d have been happy if someone had asked if I was ok - as long as you’re not put off if the flood gates of information open, or offended if she says “I’m fine”.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/11/2021 09:45

I would have gone up to the car and ask if she wanted to talk - right there, right then.
I have cried in cars or even broke down walking home after school run and was always glad to know that people cared - even strangers!
Whether I was ready to spill or not it always made me feel less alone and healed me a little.

So message her. Show her your support, she might not want to talk but she will definitely appreciate that you cared.

IntermittentParps · 04/11/2021 09:47

I think you sound really kind.
I'd probably message something like 'Think I saw you looking a bit upset earlier at school? Fancy popping out/round for a cuppa?'
If you don't feel you have the kind of relationship where you can do that, then when will you next naturally see her? You could bring it up then.

Moonshine11 · 04/11/2021 09:49

I think message her.
You sound good friends and she may need that message.
I also think it'll be easier for her over text first asking if she's ok as opposed to face to face.

CookPassBabtridge · 04/11/2021 09:50

@NotLikeTheOthers

Send her a message that doesn't require a reply 'hope you're ok today, I'm free for a walk/cuppa/sesh if you want'
Love this idea.. no pressure, just letting her know you're there.
Howmanysleepsnow · 04/11/2021 09:53

I’ve been that mum. I would’ve loved someone to ask if I was ok. I didn’t have close friends and someone reaching out would’ve meant a lot.
Possibly something like, I didn’t have chance to talk to you properly this morning at drop off, but just wanted to check in and say I hope everything’s ok x
So no questions she feels she has to answer, but open ended enough she knows she can talk if she wants to.

Original poster
Vicky1110 · 04/11/2021 09:55

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba she was a bit far away and by the time I had gotten closer she was driving off, otherwise I would have done.

@IntermittentParps I kind of feel we don't have that relationship but I also don't like to see someone upset. I see her at most drop off/pick up times, so might be able to briefly mention it at pick up

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 04/11/2021 09:57

Do message her.
Knowing someone cares when you are upset helps. I have been there.

You could go Hi Jenny I saw you this morning is everything ok, do you fancy that coffee we meant to do .
That will let her know you care and are there for her.

You sound a lovely caring person.

Member984815 · 04/11/2021 10:00

Seems to me you are friendly enough , I'd message her to see did she want to go for coffee then if it comes up naturally that she's upset it doesn't come across as nosey

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/11/2021 10:00

slightly different situation but because O have lots of kids I have seen my fair share of misty-eyed, holding back the tears or out right bawling mums on the first days of school for reception class.
I didn't care if they were total stranger's and kids in different class, I'd try to comfort them. some would say "oh don't, I'm barely holding it together" so I'd just say "understood " and would back off.
Some would have a meltdown so I'd offer a hug.

There was one mum in DS6's class who totally broke down and sobbed into my shoulder for a few minutes. A total stranger. She couldn't even talk at first so we just stood there hugging.😳😁
After that we'd chat sometimes or just wave hello, never brought it up.

Fast forward to a few weeks before the kids were leaving the school. A bunch of us were reminiscing about the start and she said "I never forget how lovely you were to me that day. it gave me strength for the whole week". I won't lie, she made me tear up.

You've just gotta be there for people.

FreeBritnee · 04/11/2021 10:02

If she were a very close friend yes. Just someone you see around on the playground - no.

FreeBritnee · 04/11/2021 10:04

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

slightly different situation but because O have lots of kids I have seen my fair share of misty-eyed, holding back the tears or out right bawling mums on the first days of school for reception class. I didn't care if they were total stranger's and kids in different class, I'd try to comfort them. some would say "oh don't, I'm barely holding it together" so I'd just say "understood " and would back off. Some would have a meltdown so I'd offer a hug.

There was one mum in DS6's class who totally broke down and sobbed into my shoulder for a few minutes. A total stranger. She couldn't even talk at first so we just stood there hugging.😳😁
After that we'd chat sometimes or just wave hello, never brought it up.

Fast forward to a few weeks before the kids were leaving the school. A bunch of us were reminiscing about the start and she said "I never forget how lovely you were to me that day. it gave me strength for the whole week". I won't lie, she made me tear up.

You've just gotta be there for people.

I have a similar story however I didn’t feel like that lady. I got caught at a very low ebb after some devastating news by another Mum who wasnt a friend. I ended up breaking down and she comforted me and to be honest although I like her she wouldn’t be someone I chose to break down to. It was a humiliating experience then and if I remember the occasion, a humiliating experience now.
MadeForThis · 04/11/2021 10:05

Ask her if she fancies a coffee. If she's looking to get out of the house and talk to someone she will come over to yours.

neededafart · 04/11/2021 10:06

I would message.

A similar thing happened to me once. A school mum who I would just pass pleasantries with reached out. We went on a walk and I told her everything. She because a great friend to me.

maryberryslayers · 04/11/2021 10:17

@Vicky1110 I'd just say 'Hi X, hope you're ok? Not sure if you're free but wondered if you'd fancy a coffee? You're welcome to come here if you like or happy to meet at (local coffee shop) Vicky x'

thetombliboo · 04/11/2021 10:21

I would message. She may have no body else.
I would probably say something like

Hi, I hope you don't mind me messaging you but I noticed you seemed down this morning. If you need a chat or fancy a brew I'm here. No need to reply. I hope you're okay x

Tipsylizard · 04/11/2021 10:31

Send her a message that doesn't require a reply 'hope you're ok today, I'm free for a walk/cuppa/sesh if you want'

This.

IntermittentParps · 04/11/2021 10:46

[quote Vicky1110]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba she was a bit far away and by the time I had gotten closer she was driving off, otherwise I would have done.

@IntermittentParps I kind of feel we don't have that relationship but I also don't like to see someone upset. I see her at most drop off/pick up times, so might be able to briefly mention it at pick up[/quote]
I would mention it then, definitely.

sillysmiles · 04/11/2021 11:17

Just drop her a text and say "hey, hope all is ok with you, I'm free this afternoon if you are around for a coffee"