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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I deal with different academic abilities

50 replies

Motherinapickle · 03/11/2021 22:16

It’s not technically an AIBU but Please help me. (I hope the post doesn’t sound boastful, I’m trying to paint a picture here and perhaps see what I need to think about too).

DS12 is autistic, excellent memory, walking animal encyclopaedia, language difficulties. He struggles academically due to language difficulties, anxiety, fear of making mistakes, not being able to focus for too long, sensory processing difficulties, etc

DD10 is shy, an avid reader, works at Greater depth in all subject apart from French for which she’s ARE. She’s always coming up with a new scientific topic that she’s read about to discuss.

They’re both very good children and very supportive of each other.

We recently attended Parents’ Evening for DD and went with both DC. The teacher, as expected gushed with pride about what an excellent role model she is on top of telling us about her academic achievements.
We, of course, expressed our pride to DD, as always.
I noticed DS was very quiet I the drive back and later on he told me he’s worried about the fact that he’s not doing well at school. DD helps him with his homework very easily. Whenever he’s doing on school work, he regularly says he’s not very clever, etc etc.

I remind him of all his creative abilities ( he has created a few games too), his kindness, manners and his knowledge of animals.

He’ll call himself an idiot, dumb, etc . I tell him he’s not allowed to call himself that because it’s not true.
How do I help him with his self worth , if that’s the right terminology? How do I help him see his positives? He’s not the worst academically in his small class either ( by quite a margin, I’m told).

We’re doing mindfulness and I’m getting someone soon to help with art therapy focussing on growth mindset but what else can I try please?

DH and I both did very well at school so it was hard for us when he first started learning (early years) but after a couple of years, we came to recognise all his strength lies elsewhere and want to help him see the good bits too.

Sorry it’s so long

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 03/11/2021 22:29

I focus on "everyone is good at different things". I also remind the dc that school only measure some things, there are lots of other things (more important things - being kind, being a good friend etc) to be good at.

MrsDoraDumble · 03/11/2021 22:33

Very similar situation here… I struggled as in the past I linked my own self esteem to my academically ability, so this generated conflict in me when I loved DD2 so very much but she was not academic due to her speech and Lang difficulties. It made me reevaluate my values (quite rightly) and now I have a new perspective that I try to pass onto her (and also DD1 who is exceed expectations across the board). My value now is about self acceptance, that we all have strengths in so many different areas and academia is only a small part of that. Try lots of things to find your path, don’t be afraid to fail, and have as much fun as possible on the way! I ensure they know they can’t be compared to anyone else as they are magnificent at being themselves and that’s enough! You’ve got this op, your kids have a lovely mum who cares about them and that will help them find their way to great things-what ever that looks like for them individually.

Pollaidh · 03/11/2021 22:33

Find what he is good at and really encourage him and celebrate him in that. So if his creativity runs to art/music/photography/sculpting sign him up for extra-curricular courses, see if he wants to do competitions etc. Same for sports - if he hasn't found one he likes, try others including non-traditional sports.

Computer game design - look out for holiday courses in this, as well as OutSchool, an online tutor platform which runs online courses on game coding etc.

His animal interests - visits to zoos, museums etc, talk about possible careers - zoology degree, animal therapy, vet/vet nursing, animal reserves etc.

What about an assistance dog? Would that be any value to him especially around the anxiety etc?

I would also avoid taking him to the DD's parent's evenings if at all possible.

Make sure you spot and celebrate the kindness, creativity etc when you see it, not just weeks later when he's comparing himself and then you say 'oh but you're very...'

Is there anything he could teach his sister, so he's in the position of being more knowledgeable?

Original poster
Motherinapickle · 03/11/2021 22:42

@MrsDoraDumble

Very similar situation here… I struggled as in the past I linked my own self esteem to my academically ability, so this generated conflict in me when I loved DD2 so very much but she was not academic due to her speech and Lang difficulties. It made me reevaluate my values (quite rightly) and now I have a new perspective that I try to pass onto her (and also DD1 who is exceed expectations across the board). My value now is about self acceptance, that we all have strengths in so many different areas and academia is only a small part of that. Try lots of things to find your path, don’t be afraid to fail, and have as much fun as possible on the way! I ensure they know they can’t be compared to anyone else as they are magnificent at being themselves and that’s enough! You’ve got this op, your kids have a lovely mum who cares about them and that will help them find their way to great things-what ever that looks like for them individually.
DH still unfortunately tries to set him targets like try and get this many out of your test today, etc. he wants to please DH so that’s probably added pressure he doesn’t need! Thinking about it now, I’ll speak to DH and ask him to stop.

Don’t be afraid to fail is a very good one. I’ll gently push that.

And thank you for your kind words Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherinapickle · 03/11/2021 22:51

@Pollaidh

Find what he is good at and really encourage him and celebrate him in that. So if his creativity runs to art/music/photography/sculpting sign him up for extra-curricular courses, see if he wants to do competitions etc. Same for sports - if he hasn't found one he likes, try others including non-traditional sports.

Computer game design - look out for holiday courses in this, as well as OutSchool, an online tutor platform which runs online courses on game coding etc.

His animal interests - visits to zoos, museums etc, talk about possible careers - zoology degree, animal therapy, vet/vet nursing, animal reserves etc.

What about an assistance dog? Would that be any value to him especially around the anxiety etc?

I would also avoid taking him to the DD's parent's evenings if at all possible.

Make sure you spot and celebrate the kindness, creativity etc when you see it, not just weeks later when he's comparing himself and then you say 'oh but you're very...'

Is there anything he could teach his sister, so he's in the position of being more knowledgeable?

Some very helpful here, thank you. There are a few extra curricular interests we can explore.

Currently he’d like to become a games designer so is trying to learn coding but we’ll speak to him about possible careers around zoology too. He’d thrive with working with animals. He loves them and is very outdoorsy .

I’ll seriously look into assistance dogs. I looked into it a while ago but DH is dead set against having a dog but if it’ll benefit DS, I’m sure he’d welcome it. The anxiety is awful as it affects his sleep too Sad

We did consider not taking him but DD really wanted to go and we decided not to leave him alone as it’s dark ( not sure on that logic!) and we needed to go to the shops but in hindsight, we should’ve left him at home and done the shop after picking him up.

Very good point about him teacher get something. She’ll of course ask him if she needs to know stuff about animals but we’ll see what he might be able (and want ha!) to teach her

OP posts:
3scape · 03/11/2021 22:52

Unfortunately the mainstream secondary school message is very much if you're not academic you are less than. Teachers and schools are so focused on scores based on high marks that all other students are being thrown under the bus emotionally.

PeachesPumpkin · 03/11/2021 22:53

Always praise for effort rather than results.

User1484POP · 03/11/2021 23:08

When my son was diagnosed I was specifically told to get him therapy starting at 10 because autistic preteens and teens can suffer from low self esteem. Might be something to look into so he can start thinking about his strengths differently

Throckmorton · 03/11/2021 23:09

Make sure he knows what an enormous, and rare, asset a good memory is! Use it, practice it, celebrate it. So many jobs are helped by being able to remember volumes of stuff!

Mooda · 03/11/2021 23:15

3 DC of varied academic ability here and it's a challenge but one thing I would never do is take my DC to each other's parents evenings. I see that as quite invasive and disrespectful to all concerned.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/11/2021 23:16

Raising self esteem is so very difficult because it always has to come from within.

I always told mine, I would be more proud of them if they tried 100% and got the lowest grade imaginable than I would if they got all A*s but didn't really try.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/11/2021 23:26

Similar ish here but more extreme - asd dd is 9 and really struggling academically. In the last parent's evening there was little good to report and the teacher suggested a maths workbook a year below. Whereas my 7yo NT dd gets glowing reports consistently, not just academically but in her maturity, attitude and effort. She also excels at dd1's hobby which is art.

We never take the dc to parent's evening and they don't read their reports. We try to avoid comparing them with each other. We try to encourage different interests but dd1 has not found anything of her own, so it is difficult.

In your case it sounds like your dc have quite distinct abilities and I would just focus on those positives and developing their interests, making sure that kids have equal opportunity to do what they enjoy.

Namenic · 03/11/2021 23:26

It’s lovely that they’re both supportive of each other - and your DD helps him with his homework. We are all good at some stuff but struggle with others - and sometimes the greatest achievements are getting an ok mark in Something you find difficult.

Try and find things he can do to support DD (it’s hard for the younger one, but sometimes thoughtful things like small gifts or actions are nice).

eeek88 · 03/11/2021 23:37

It sounds like your daughter is trying to be kind by helping him with his work but I can’t think of anything more demoralising than your younger sibling helping you with school work. Could you have a quiet word and tell her to tactfully stop? She would probably be helping him more if she said, ‘ooh I don’t know, that’s hard, you better ask mum’.

Some younger siblings are just shitty and know the full impact of their ‘helpful’ interjections at homework time in which case they need to bugger off and leave the one who struggles in peace. Doesn’t sound like your daughter is this type but just keep an eye out in case.

saraclara · 03/11/2021 23:42

I'm surprised that the school allows children to sit in on their sibling's parent's evening report. I've never worked at a school that did. It's just asking for this kind of thing to happen.

If I'm honest, I'd never have dreamed of letting my DD's sit there and listen to what their sibling's teacher said about them. Each deserves some privacy apart from anything else.

Vispa · 03/11/2021 23:46

I have a 12 year old with additional needs, who isn’t going to be academic, and who struggles with pretty severe anxiety and self esteem issues. We tried music therapy which really helped, she also uses the Melodics App to teach herself electric drums (they do other instruments too - it works like a computer game where you progress through the levels) which has been brilliant. Both of these led onto drumming lessons and she's doing really well. We are also in the process of getting a therapy dog, and going through the application procedure has really brought home the huge and varied benefits she will get from one. We've got the all clear but haven't been matched with a dog yet, but just knowing she is getting one has switched a light on in her that has been wonderful to see. It's something so special and positive that has come out of her disabilities, and helped her feel more positive about them.

MissCreeAnt · 03/11/2021 23:51

I have some reservations about the whole growth mindset dogma but more important than getting therapy in it, use it yourselves with him in your everyday conversation. I am also pretty explicit with my children that academics don't define personal worth, because I think if you don't have that conversation, just being in school all day can lead them to conclude that it does. (There's a chapter in Nurtureshock about how white parents fail to talk to their kids about race. The human brain is hard wired to perceive differences between people, and we overcome that by talking about it, not by ignoring it. Bit of an aside.) Especially for an autistic child, be explicit, don't just hint at how "equal" he is by reminding him that he is kind etc.

I agree with PP that you shouldn't have taken him. Leave him, put him just outside the room, or give him music headphones to protect DD's privacy. If none of those options are possible, then one parent stays home.

One more pop psychology thought. There are 2 bases of self esteem. One is just your inherent value, that you have just by existing. The second is derived from what you do - your achievements etc. It's easy to focus on the second one but don't forget the first one. He is enough just sitting on the sofa eating biscuits, he is exactly who he's meant to be and you wouldn't have him any other way.

Cheerbear23 · 03/11/2021 23:54

Nurture what he’s good at, and push the fact that everyone has different skills.
just a thought does he like history? There’s a lot of extra researching that can be done out of school and you do need excellent fact recall which a good memory will help.
I would also never let him sit in on a parent’s evening chat. No good will come out of this, and DD deserves privacy.

Vispa · 04/11/2021 00:01

Another thing that has really helped with self esteem, is spending quality one to one time with us as parents, (separately from her younger sibling, although they get on great). We also make a point of treating our DC as the eldest and she has a slightly later bedtime than younger sibling which she loves as it makes her feel more grown up.

redtshirt50 · 04/11/2021 00:08

If he loves animals have a look at animal colleges/unis he could attend (I’ve linked an example below)

www.sparsholt.ac.uk/the-college/student-profiles-2021/

I know it’s a long way off, but it could help him see that not everyone has to follow the same route and as long as he follows his passions he will be very successful!

redtshirt50 · 04/11/2021 00:14

That particular college even do at 14-16 program you can attend one day a week so you could see if there’s anything similar near you :)

Ericaequites · 04/11/2021 02:45

Could your son do an Animal Care BTEC or similar at his school or another local school? Offering him some qualifications related to his passion may motivate him to do better in other subjects. Could he join a local birdwatching or other wildlife observation group? American birders are eager to find young people who want to learn and offer informal mentorship. Would Scouts appeal to him?

FinallyHere · 04/11/2021 08:37

Absolutely encourage the growth mindset and the benefits of not being afraid to fail.

At the moment your DD is having an easy ride. It would be helpful if you could, just quietly, find something at which for her to fail, so that she can have that experience and know how to work her way out of it, too.

The people I have known to fall completely apart as adults, full m breakdowns, had never had the experience of failing as children. When life does eventually throw up something, they have no resources to survive. Good luck.

Original poster
Motherinapickle · 04/11/2021 12:02

@PeachesPumpkin

Always praise for effort rather than results.
Good advice. I’m trying to do this more. When we chatted yesterday morning, I told him to just do his best.

I do need to remind myself of this more often.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 04/11/2021 14:01

Agree - always praise for effort.
But, I wouldn’t have taken either of them to parents evening. I go to our DC’s parents evening while DH stays at home with DC. I like to get a frank view of how well they are doing without them there. I can digest things and decide how to play it when I get home. I never went to my parents evenings as a kid, and mine don’t go to theirs. To be fair, they didn’t/don’t want to, but I wouldn’t take them even if they did.