How do I deal with different academic abilities

[Motherinapickle]

It’s not technically an AIBU but Please help me. (I hope the post doesn’t sound boastful, I’m trying to paint a picture here and perhaps see what I need to think about too).

DS12 is autistic, excellent memory, walking animal encyclopaedia, language difficulties. He struggles academically due to language difficulties, anxiety, fear of making mistakes, not being able to focus for too long, sensory processing difficulties, etc

DD10 is shy, an avid reader, works at Greater depth in all subject apart from French for which she’s ARE. She’s always coming up with a new scientific topic that she’s read about to discuss.

They’re both very good children and very supportive of each other.

We recently attended Parents’ Evening for DD and went with both DC. The teacher, as expected gushed with pride about what an excellent role model she is on top of telling us about her academic achievements.
We, of course, expressed our pride to DD, as always.
I noticed DS was very quiet I the drive back and later on he told me he’s worried about the fact that he’s not doing well at school. DD helps him with his homework very easily. Whenever he’s doing on school work, he regularly says he’s not very clever, etc etc.

I remind him of all his creative abilities ( he has created a few games too), his kindness, manners and his knowledge of animals.

He’ll call himself an idiot, dumb, etc . I tell him he’s not allowed to call himself that because it’s not true.
How do I help him with his self worth , if that’s the right terminology? How do I help him see his positives? He’s not the worst academically in his small class either ( by quite a margin, I’m told).

We’re doing mindfulness and I’m getting someone soon to help with art therapy focussing on growth mindset but what else can I try please?

DH and I both did very well at school so it was hard for us when he first started learning (early years) but after a couple of years, we came to recognise all his strength lies elsewhere and want to help him see the good bits too.

Sorry it’s so long

It seems like you have a good plan. Make sure you praise them both for effort, so they can both see that it is genuine praise.

And it's worth saying better marks at school don't necessarily lead to happiness or wealth. Encourage both children to explore their interests and to live up to their own values.

I'd also get your DD assessed for autism, given you describe her as shy and autism is often overlooked in girls.

Does he do anything that his sister doesn't? I had a similar situation with my 2 when they were younger so I sent dc2 to martial arts. Dc2 was not allowed to join because she would try to outdo him which would make dc1 feel crap. It helped.

In future I'd not take him to his sibling's parents evening. He knows his sister is smart but might have been better off not hearing it from her teacher. If he can't be left at home then I'd probably leave him outside the classroom with his phone or something.

My kids are the same academically. Eldest is an adult and is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities, he’s still learning very basic pre school stuff. Middle one struggles massively academically but tries so hard, very musical and arty. Probably will scrape through with a couple of gcse’s. Youngest is very intelligent but puts absolutely no effort in whatsoever, he’s lazy! It drives my middle child mad that they try so hard yet the youngest always gets better grades for doing nothing. I focus on their string points. Always praising and pointing out the things they’re great at.

@Throckmorton

Make sure he knows what an enormous, and rare, asset a good memory is! Use it, practice it, celebrate it. So many jobs are helped by being able to remember volumes of stuff!

I will! Thank you!

@saraclara

I'm surprised that the school allows children to sit in on their sibling's parent's evening report. I've never worked at a school that did. It's just asking for this kind of thing to happen.

If I'm honest, I'd never have dreamed of letting my DD's sit there and listen to what their sibling's teacher said about them. Each deserves some privacy apart from anything else.

They went to the same primary school (DD is in her last year) and have always sat in for each other’s parents’ evening and neither was bothered. They both got good reviews but DS was obviously based on how kind and polite he is, how hard he tried, etc. They both felt proud at the end of the evening as we’d tell them how proud we were too. They’d also discuss it if they weren’t there. My two are very close. Neither of them cared previously but as DS has become more self aware, we’ll stop doing that now. When I used to teach, families used to parents’ evening together, so it’s that uncommon. However, it’s not the right thing to do in our situation.

As I’ve said up thread, in hindsight DS should probably have been left at home.

Just thought I’d add a little update before reading through and responding.

First of all, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I feel so much better and reassured in helping DS.

I just received his half term progress report via email and he’s meeting all his target grades and exceeding on one. Of course, this is partly due to the fact that the targets are set within a certain level. When he gets in from school with DH, I’ll praise him highly for the effort he’s put in and he’ll get to choose a reward. Happy days

You got some great advice OP. I have a DS of the same age and even though he is strong academically he gets upset sometimes with how much of a struggle other things are (like playing soccer with the boys). When he is struggling I ask him to name me one person he knows that is absolutely great at everything with no weaknesses. Obviously he can’t name anyone. He is great at somethings, average at others and not good at other things. Just like absolutely everyone else. It works for helping my son to not get too caught up comparing himself to others.
I try not to put any expectations on him except for one….try your best.

It’s hard
DD scores very highly on the 11+, got a scholarship for Private, all 9s at GCSE and DS is average. Could be higher if he was bothered but he’s not
We do praise effort but DD didn’t really have to make any.
DS says he’s not as clever as his sister and will never achieve what she has and academically he’s probably right (although I would never say it)
He’s got far more common sense and street smarts though, he’s a bit of a schemer and usually comes out of most things smelling of roses so I think he will be ok.
DD suffers from anxiety and confidence issues though, which DS never has so he generally does find life much easier as his charm smooths the path far more than her intellect ever will

It sounds like you're on top of things but wanted to come on here to say that we have a similar situation. DS has some sensory processing and executive function issues which make the classroom quite difficult for him. DD on the other hand is super bright, absorbs information like a sponge AND is more than happy to work hard.

We definitely do the praise for effort and for improvement. DS has recently seen significant improvement in his maths results, even though he's still way behind. We are genuinely thrilled with his efforts and I think he really knows that. We also massively encourage him to focus on the things he's good at and to remember that school is very important, but not just for the academics. He's exploring various sports and doing v well in those.

He is also an absolute teacher's pet. They love him. They like DD too, but they LOVE DS. LOVE him. Obviously, I don't want to make DD feel unwanted but we do make comments about how much he is appreciated by the teachers and the school etc to emphasise that he has other talents and skills.

Just a thought - are there any young conservationist group in your area that he might enjoy or would he be too anxious? I know my sister and I joined as youngsters and they do loads of conservation projects fro protecting wildlife etc - we used to plant trees, dig ditches, and loads of other stuff, - it is a great thing for outdoorsy kids and I was painfully shy but found that when i was working on a task, I didn't have to do much chatting but gradually found the courage to join in with others. They are always well led and organised.
Maybe something he'd enjoy now or in the future ?

I had similar discrepancy in academic ability between my DS and DD (DS five years older but had dyslexia and DD very academic soon overtook him with reading etc.) I always encouraged thier outside interests and praised them for efforts in all areas of thier life. School is such a large part of young people's lives and it is so geared towards academia that it is difficult for children who don;t fit the mould.
My DS found his feet in drama and acting which he loved and did outside school (and it is still his main thing now he is grown up)and we really encouraged it. I would look out for ways of building up his non academic interests. His love of animals and ability to design games are great things. Would he be interested perhaps in photography - taking pictures of wildlife ?
I'm sure he will find his way, life isn't all about academic ability, both your children sound like lovely, kind helpful young people.

@ConfusedBear

It seems like you have a good plan. Make sure you praise them both for effort, so they can both see that it is genuine praise.

And it's worth saying better marks at school don't necessarily lead to happiness or wealth. Encourage both children to explore their interests and to live up to their own values.

I'd also get your DD assessed for autism, given you describe her as shy and autism is often overlooked in girls.

@ConfusedBear you’ve got a point there. I’ve wondered about DD and autism previously but ruled it out because she’s exactly like me as a child, right down to my mum commenting on my shyness when outside. Tbh, I’ve wonder about me being autistic sometimes.

We’ll continue to keep an eye on her and see. Thank you

@Triffid1

It sounds like you're on top of things but wanted to come on here to say that we have a similar situation. DS has some sensory processing and executive function issues which make the classroom quite difficult for him. DD on the other hand is super bright, absorbs information like a sponge AND is more than happy to work hard.

We definitely do the praise for effort and for improvement. DS has recently seen significant improvement in his maths results, even though he's still way behind. We are genuinely thrilled with his efforts and I think he really knows that. We also massively encourage him to focus on the things he's good at and to remember that school is very important, but not just for the academics. He's exploring various sports and doing v well in those.

He is also an absolute teacher's pet. They love him. They like DD too, but they LOVE DS. LOVE him. Obviously, I don't want to make DD feel unwanted but we do make comments about how much he is appreciated by the teachers and the school etc to emphasise that he has other talents and skills.

Thank you for taking the time.

You’re so right about the improvements. I’m setting myself to acknowledge the efforts and improvements.

We’ve really praised him for his effort so far against his targets today, although they’re not high. Of course DH couldn’t stop himself and added “ but I know you can do even better” . It’s not the end of the world, I suppose
Ha! I can relate to staff loving DS. I think there’s an element of wanting to look after him.

@AmyDudley

Just a thought - are there any young conservationist group in your area that he might enjoy or would he be too anxious? I know my sister and I joined as youngsters and they do loads of conservation projects fro protecting wildlife etc - we used to plant trees, dig ditches, and loads of other stuff, - it is a great thing for outdoorsy kids and I was painfully shy but found that when i was working on a task, I didn't have to do much chatting but gradually found the courage to join in with others. They are always well led and organised. Maybe something he'd enjoy now or in the future ?

I had similar discrepancy in academic ability between my DS and DD (DS five years older but had dyslexia and DD very academic soon overtook him with reading etc.) I always encouraged thier outside interests and praised them for efforts in all areas of thier life. School is such a large part of young people's lives and it is so geared towards academia that it is difficult for children who don;t fit the mould.
My DS found his feet in drama and acting which he loved and did outside school (and it is still his main thing now he is grown up)and we really encouraged it. I would look out for ways of building up his non academic interests. His love of animals and ability to design games are great things. Would he be interested perhaps in photography - taking pictures of wildlife ?
I'm sure he will find his way, life isn't all about academic ability, both your children sound like lovely, kind helpful young people.

He’s absolutely love joining a conservationist group. I’ve had a look but no one seems to have any positions currently. The positions seem highly sought after and I can see why. I’ll make a point to check regularly.

He does enjoy using my phone to take photos of things he finds interesting when we’re on walks so you’ve onto something there. We'll just take a camera along on the walks and see what happens

There’s a nature App called Seek by INaturalist that lets you take a photo of something and it will tell you what it is - my DS is only 3 and loves using it (mushrooms are the current thing!)

Have to agree with PP that it probably wasn't ideal for him to be at the parents evening.... I don't even let mine sit in on their own parents as I want to be able to speak freely with the teacher and filter the positive messages back afterwards! They are surely old enough that he / they both could have sat further away and listened in, if you had no-one to look after them?
Definitely praising for effort / playing to strengths is the way forward here. And get your husband to stop pressuring him about exam scores, that's not helpful at all....

*parents evening
*NOT listened in gar!

@saraclara

I'm surprised that the school allows children to sit in on their sibling's parent's evening report. I've never worked at a school that did. It's just asking for this kind of thing to happen.

If I'm honest, I'd never have dreamed of letting my DD's sit there and listen to what their sibling's teacher said about them. Each deserves some privacy apart from anything else.

This! I am a teacher and shocked to hear your ds could hear her glowing report. That is extremely unwise. My first ds has dyslexia. He really struggled in school but has very creative ideas. My dd was labelled gifted..amazing learning abilities. He struggled a lot and turned into a bit of a messer acting like he didn't care. They are both now working and ds earns far more than dd as she went into a very niche area while he came into his own once books were done. Keep your ds from hearing about his sister and encourage him that he will find his own way.

Stop taking kids to parents evening for a start. Its called parents evening for a reason. NO teacher will discuss any issues or concerns with the child sat there

Why on earth do you take them both to the parents' evenings? Can't you see how hurtful that could be to either one of them?

@Hankunamatata

Stop taking kids to parents evening for a start. Its called parents evening for a reason. NO teacher will discuss any issues or concerns with the child sat there

This one clearly did, but I don't know what she was thinking. It's really basic. I had parents turn up to parents evening with a kid in tow because the babysitter had let them down, but I'd immediately find something for the child to do out of earshot, or my TA would take them off out of the way.

He sounds exactly like our friends autistic DS, he also felt down as he could never compete academically with his bright sisters.

Roll on a few years, he took a carpentry course & is now at 23 doing incredibly well as a boat builder.

He will find his super power, it just won't be academic & chances are like friends DS, he'll be earning more than his sister anyway

@Hankunamatata

Stop taking kids to parents evening for a start. Its called parents evening for a reason. NO teacher will discuss any issues or concerns with the child sat there

On the contrary since about yr5 the schools have encouraged us to bring the child to their own parents evening. I think they think it presents a united front. Any major concerns should have been raised before. I agree though not letting them sit in on a siblings parents evening. If the sibling has to come to the school they usually bring a book and sit in a corner.

DD10 is shy, an avid reader, works at Greater depth in all subject apart from French for which she’s ARE. She’s always coming up with a new scientific topic that she’s read about to discuss.

There is only greater depth in reading, writing and mathematics.
Is this some made up school scale?

@YoungGiftedPlump

DD10 is shy, an avid reader, works at Greater depth in all subject apart from French for which she’s ARE. She’s always coming up with a new scientific topic that she’s read about to discuss.

There is only greater depth in reading, writing and mathematics.
Is this some made up school scale?

Those are the teacher’s words, verbatim.

@Hoppinggreen

It’s hard DD scores very highly on the 11+, got a scholarship for Private, all 9s at GCSE and DS is average. Could be higher if he was bothered but he’s not We do praise effort but DD didn’t really have to make any. DS says he’s not as clever as his sister and will never achieve what she has and academically he’s probably right (although I would never say it) He’s got far more common sense and street smarts though, he’s a bit of a schemer and usually comes out of most things smelling of roses so I think he will be ok. DD suffers from anxiety and confidence issues though, which DS never has so he generally does find life much easier as his charm smooths the path far more than her intellect ever will

I had friends like your son at school. They are the ones most who ended up most successful, tbh ( materially, at least). He’ll be more than fine 😊