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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell work

41 replies

Whattodonowill · 03/11/2021 18:16

I am looking for promotion in work in the next two years. My line manager is coaching me and providing me with support, encouragement and ideas to support the progression. She has noticed my anxiety levels have increased in the last month which they have. I take anti depressants and have had counselling due to a trauma related event at university. I feel that is being managed but the anxiety is bad right now. Do I tell my line manager about the source of the anxiety so she can better understand me or do I keep my cards close to my chest for fear of any future prejudice?

OP posts:
AgileSlug · 03/11/2021 19:00

It depends on your relationship, I think - but unless you're sure you want to, I wouldnt, because you can never un-say something. How about instead "I understand there's a specific and very personal reason for my anxiety, and I'm getting help for that"

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 19:06

You don't have to explain why but you could explain you have anxiety issues currently but they are being treated and managed?

Original poster
Whattodonowill · 03/11/2021 19:07

I think we get on well but ultimately she is the boss

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodonowill · 03/11/2021 19:48

B

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 03/11/2021 20:17

I would, doesn't sound like she is out to get you - sounds like she is very nice and supportive. Tell her it's confidential and you just want her to understand but you are managing it etc but it might help her to understand. Boss or not she can still be a friend/confident/decent human being.

SoniaFouler · 03/11/2021 20:33

I wouldn’t.

VillKrill · 03/11/2021 20:43

From personal experience I'd be very wary of disclosing something so personal. Work is work and your boss is, generally speaking, not your friend. On more than one occasion I've seen supposedly "supportive" managers go completely cold on colleagues after they'd mentioned something of a similar nature. If you feel you must say something, I think @AgileSlug's advice is a good middle way, but remember: you don't owe your boss an explanation and you should never disclose anything that could be used against you if you can help it. Sorry if that sounds cynical but I've seen enough workplace backstabbing to last a lifetime!

Hope your anxiety improves soon Flowers

Twylar · 03/11/2021 20:51

I wouldnt

Starpleck · 03/11/2021 20:55

I wouldnt go into detail like I would with a friend, not because its anything to be ashamed of, just as unless you are close friends with your boss outside of work, why would you? If you feel though that small adjustments would be beneficial or if you are struggling then yes reach out and have a conversation perhaps before it becomes overwhelming and your work is affected.

Kinko · 03/11/2021 21:03

Cards close to chest - always where work is involved.

goodwinter · 03/11/2021 21:06

If you have a good relationship and a good culture at your company, I would tell her that you are currently dealing with mental health difficulties and are proactively taking steps to manage them. She may appreciate the information and it could allow her to offer you any adjustments/support as necessary.

Personally I wouldn't go into the reasons behind it under any circumstances.

Original poster
Whattodonowill · 03/11/2021 21:14

May I ask why goodwinter? With regards to your last question?

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 03/11/2021 21:17

I would agree that it’s one thing to say that you are seeking treatment for anxiety and quite another to tell boss the reason why you have anxiety.

Why? Because it’s none of her business and it doesn’t serve any purpose for her to know the reason. The fact that you are experiencing symptoms and seeking help (and any adjustments you need) is plenty of information.

PiousPenelope · 03/11/2021 21:17

@Kinko

Cards close to chest - always where work is involved.
This 100%. Work is work. If something could ever be used against you (even by someone else) you should never utter a word. Ultimately work wants to benefit the business.
TravelLost · 03/11/2021 21:20

@Whattodonowill

May I ask why goodwinter? With regards to your last question?
  • Because you have no idea how that information is going to be used.
  • Because she doesn’t need to know
  • Because it’s about your health and your life and you dint have to disclose everything to your boss, however nice they are.

What’s important is that

  • you are aware of your anxiety
  • you are proactive and are taking steps to address it
  • the anxiety is personal, not work related
The rest (aka the ‘real’ reason) isn’t relevant t to her.
ftw163532 · 03/11/2021 21:25

I would not ever say more than "due to past trauma". (I have PTSD).

In this particular scenario I'm not sure even that level of detail is necessary.

Saying what you find difficult in the present can be useful to explain why you're asking for a specific form of support. I think that's usually as much context as anybody at work needs.

"I find x difficult, therefore it is helpful if you can y."

ThorsLeftNut · 03/11/2021 21:27

In my experience - don’t. I wouldn’t even give basic information.

I’ve been screwed over by colleagues who I thought were my friends in the past who guised it as ‘just trying to help’ when really they wanted to frog leap me and used what I had said as a stick to beat me with.

Smashingspinster · 03/11/2021 21:32

Personally I think it would be better to let her know you are dealing with trauma from a past event, and it is stirring up some anxiety which you are getting help with. You dont have to go into details of the event but imo that is better than telling someone you are generally anxious. The latter would stir up all kinds of questions about your ability to cope. The former makes it seem more time limited and contained. If you have a good relationship with your boss it would be helpful to share.

RubyJones9 · 03/11/2021 21:32

I'm quite shocked by these replies.

I'm a people manager of quite a few years in a large company and have had more than one person disclose MH struggles or anxiety issues they are dealing with and it would never cross my mind that someone wouldn't be suitable for a promotion or be a 'liability' because of them.

I usually have a good relationship with the person I'm speaking with or managing for them to feel comfortable to disclose but have also stepped in to manage people I don't know as closely in the absence of others/being more experienced.

We, as a company, and me personally, would always want to support best I can or put in workplace adjustments if appropriate and it would never be held against anyone.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen as others have clearly had this experience. Just saying it's shocked me that's nearly all the same replies so far.

As a pp said it sounds like your line manager is a decent human being and only you know your relationship with her and overall the company, but my feeling from what you've said is that she wouldn't use it against you and would be honest.

PumpkinPie2016 · 03/11/2021 21:36

A colleague I line manage suffers anxiety/PTSD due to a past trauma. He told me very early on - just that he had anxiety. Gradually, he has told me the whole story.

I am absolutely glad he did as I can recognise when he is suffering or he tells me and I can support him. It certainly hasn't been held against him and nor would it be.

A good manager should be supportive (though of course, only you know your manager).

Obviously, if a staff member preferred not to say anything, that would be fine but, as a manager, I would consider it a failing on my part if someone felt they couldn't share a difficulty if they felt they needed/wanted to.

Calmdown14 · 03/11/2021 21:36

I think I'd tell her just what you have here. You don't need to go into detail.
She has noticed you are anxious and if you want a promotion I'd say better that she doesn't see it as a work related problem, even if it may manifest itself in that environment.
Otherwise she may think it is the extra responsibility causing your anxiety.
You could put in in an email then there's a record of what was said:
Thank you for noticing that I have been a little anxious of late.
I do have anxiety related to a trauma I suffered at university.
I have sought treatment for this and it is largely under control but there are certain triggers which can on occasion bring it to the fore, however it does not in any way affect my ability to do my job.
I wanted to let you know but please treat this information in confidence.
Thank you for you support.
Best wishes etc

ittakes2 · 03/11/2021 21:41

She has noticed your anxiety is bad. I think it might help to give more context - what exactly did she say to you to let you know she noticed?

Summerfun54321 · 03/11/2021 21:42

No I wouldn’t. Divulging something traumatic and personal in a work environment can feel really intrusive. Protect yourself from that and keep your cards close to your chest. Discussing personal and traumatic events with friends is completely different to telling a work colleague or boss.

Mellowyellow222 · 03/11/2021 21:43

I agree it’s fine to say you are struggling at the moment with anxiety, but have accessed treatment.

No need to go into the background.

I have had staff members tell me hugely personal things - I would never repeat it; or let it effect how I view them: but I did feel uncomfortable knowing such intimate things about them.

Lots of people struggle with mental health issues at some point. Thankfully there is much greater understanding in the workplace now.

thumpingrug · 03/11/2021 21:44

Im a fairly open person, sometimes I possibly overshare. Im also a "boss" and manage a team of people. I have found that they have responded positively to me sharing the struggles and concerns i have by being open about themselves and their life issues. If anything its made us a stronger team. Ive been a "boss" for over 25 years and have always had a strong and supportive team. A year ago I moved jobs, my choice, the old team were devastated. It took about 3 months for the new team to get used to me and start opening up.
I recognise that I am usually and by getting to be a boss I also get to set the agenda for my team. I recognise that not all workplaces are supportive, you have to judge your workplace and your relationship with this person very carefully.

Hope it works out okay.