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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5 year old too rough with baby

46 replies

Essex16 · 03/11/2021 17:32

Ok so not strictly AIBU but I posted on behaviour/development and got no replies.

DD5 was so so excited all through out my pregnancy and has been obsessed with her sister since she was born, problem is DD is so rough I am constantly, CONSTANTLY having to correct her behaviour. It’s the same flipping thing every all day. I tell her that it’s too rough and then show an alternative/adjustment but I'm honestly talking to a brick wall. It’s super frustrating! Like earlier I had to stop her from lying on top of the baby 5 times in the space of 2 minutes. I’m constantly finding her swinging the babies arms about wildly or backwards. I don’t mind them playing together, in fact I love it when they are doing it ‘well’.

When will it end? How do I get DD5 to listen? I’m so fed up of her hundred ‘sorry’s’ and then right back to the same thing. By the end of the day I’ve turned into shouty mum and that doesn’t feel nice either.

OP posts:
WheelieBinPrincess · 03/11/2021 17:33

How old is the baby?

Original poster
Essex16 · 03/11/2021 17:42

Just turned 4 months

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 03/11/2021 17:45

New rules. She is only allowed to touch his toes. Stick with that for a week and then take it from there. Supplement with getting to her to show baby how to run, jump, somesault etc. lots of moves that wear her out and need some space (so she steps back). Also put baby somewhere its difficult for her to reach him easily, like in a playpen etc. if she breaks the rules, put her on the naughty step for 5 mins.

WheelieBinPrincess · 03/11/2021 17:46

I’m not sure at this point I’d leave her to play with the baby at all, if she can’t behave nicely. She has to understand that she can really hurt her. Are you leaving her unsupervised with her sister?

Clymene · 03/11/2021 17:52

You can't expect a 5 year old to play with a baby

Iggly · 03/11/2021 17:53

Don’t leave baby unattended!
Use more positive language about how she can touch her.
And be mindful about your interactions. She may well be feeling jealous and getting a telling off gives her attention. She may crave more attention and that can be positive or negative.

Don’t make it a dd vs baby sibling issue. Your dd is still very young - when your youngest is 5, you’ll see it! But that’s a long way off.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/11/2021 17:53

Why are you leaving her with the baby?!? She shouldn’t be in a position to do things like lie on her or wildly swing her arms at all -that’s bonkers.

Original poster
Essex16 · 03/11/2021 18:08

They’re not left alone - she does it right in front of me! For example if I’m with the baby on the play mat, DD wants to join in which of course I say is ok because I don’t want to cause a rift but then she just doesn’t listen to what I’m telling her about being careful. I really do try to be as positive as possible but honestly I think she’s just being naughty now and I’m not sure why

OP posts:
2bazookas · 03/11/2021 18:09

@Clymene

You can't expect a 5 year old to play with a baby
You can expect a 5 yr old to not lie on top of a 4 months old, swing him by arms, jerk his arms back etc.

That baby is going to suffer a serious injury and if the parents get accused of being the abusers, DD might get taken into care to protect her from them.

Sprogonthetyne · 03/11/2021 18:12

DS was a little younger when he got a sibling, but basically the baby lived in the sling until she was sturdy enough to stand up to rougher handling. She had floor time when he was at nursery or in bed. And they had closely monitored cuddles/ playing time (5 minutes max), but otherwise I kept baby out of his reach.

She was always around in the sling, so he got use to her, but when she was very little I'd try to keep the focus on him where possible. So baby would feed and contact nap in the sling, while I climb round softplay or did crafts with the toddler.

Sleepyblueocean · 03/11/2021 18:17

You need to show her how to play with her and encourage other ways of playing such as showing her her toys or wind up music toys etc or singing to her. Things that don't require physical touch.

Serenschintte · 03/11/2021 18:20

Could it be about attention? The new baby is here and so your attention is divided. If you can I would take her out alone. Or wear the baby in a sling and devote attention to your daughter.
That’s worth a try.

shouldistop · 03/11/2021 18:21

Is she rough when she plays with other children? Or is it just the baby?

Clymene · 03/11/2021 18:31

Oh don't be absurd @2bazookas 

@Essex16 - if you're going to involve her in play with the baby, I wouldn't do it when the baby is on the mat. That's the time when the baby can play on her own. I'd encourage her to be your helper while the baby is safely in a bouncy chair or something. So she can read the baby a story,, play peekaboo, bring her a drink, fetch a muslin, pick up her toy.

She's basically playing with her like a doll and that's completely normal but you have to encourage her to view the baby as not a doll

Pumpkinsonparade · 03/11/2021 18:32

Just be honest and tell her the baby won't want to be her friend if she isn't gentle and caring...
Even at 5 dc know how friends should treat each other...

Original poster
Essex16 · 03/11/2021 18:36

No she’s just rough with the baby (and her baby cousin) - she is so shy/timid with other children.

I have tried to take her out alone but she always says she wants to bring her sister. I’ll suggest it again and just take her out.

It could be about attention but it appears she wants to jointly give attention to the baby instead of more attention on her, iyswim

OP posts:
Lillyhatesjaz · 03/11/2021 18:39

My oldest was only 2 but I put the baby in a playpen for her own safety

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/11/2021 18:47

@Clymene is right - bouncer is a better more even keel for interaction than the mat

My eldest was 2 when DS2 was born and was lovely with him snd v gentle/we used the bouncer a lot or me having baby in my arms. Play mat isn’t safe for physical proximity, even just because of accidents

RaginaPhalange · 03/11/2021 18:47

@Clymene

You can't expect a 5 year old to play with a baby
Not true. My 5 year old plays well with his baby brother and has done since he was born.

Op I don't really have much advice, maybe try get her to help with baby rather than playing with her. Just keep reminding that she needs gentle hands with her sister.

Blueeilidh · 03/11/2021 18:49

How do you respond when she does these things?
It may also be with trying to change the situation to make it a bit less likely she'll behave that way. Do for example if baby is having tummy time and she comes to join in but ends up on top of her, if you get her a special cushion, bean bag or roller that she can lie on to play beside her sister then would she be more likely to play beside target than on top of her.

BatshitBanshee · 03/11/2021 19:13

She's not playing with the baby, she's angling for your attention and gets it - whether it's positive or negative. Next time she is rough with the baby, remove her from the situation and allow her back in on the condition that she behaves. If she doesn't, repeat as necessary. She could really hurt the baby, without actually meaning to hurt the baby - and that would be much harder to correct or come back from if it does happen.

Iggly · 03/11/2021 19:34

She may have realised that being physical with baby is what gets your attention more than anything.

You need to give more positive attention during the day regularly.

1AngelicFruitCake · 03/11/2021 19:36

@Clymene

Oh don't be absurd *@2bazookas* 

@Essex16 - if you're going to involve her in play with the baby, I wouldn't do it when the baby is on the mat. That's the time when the baby can play on her own. I'd encourage her to be your helper while the baby is safely in a bouncy chair or something. So she can read the baby a story,, play peekaboo, bring her a drink, fetch a muslin, pick up her toy.

She's basically playing with her like a doll and that's completely normal but you have to encourage her to view the baby as not a doll

You’re the one being absurd! I know of a family where this exact thing happened. It was horrendous. 5 year old there’s no excuse at all.
smoko · 03/11/2021 19:48

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RacketeerRalph · 03/11/2021 19:56

She may not have the executive functioning to understand and put in to action what you mean. So she's not being deliberately rough, or deliberately not listening to instructions, she just can't put it in to action. Children's executive functioning develops in different areas at different times. So until she's actually able to do as asked you need to step in and be a barrier. For example if she asks to play with him on the mat say "let's tickle his toes" or show him this toy and model how to show him. Hands off stuff

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