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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with dp?

28 replies

hullaballoo19 · 03/11/2021 16:13

So dp has had really bad toothache for about a week and a half. He has a severe phobia of the dentist so hasn't been for ages and is therefore no longer registered at his previous dentists. He'd finally had enough and we got him an emergency appointment on Monday. Dentist thinks his pain is mostly because of a wisdom tooth coming through, but he also needs a couple of teeth taken out. Unfortunately he was so scared that they felt they couldn't help him and he would need to find a dentist that offers sedation. So he had the day off work on Monday for that appointment, and then took yesterday off because he was in a lot of pain still, and needed to try and find a new dentist to register with. Said he'd do some housework but didn't (I was not bothered that he hadn't done any housework yesterday). When I got home from work yesterday he still hadn't managed to find a dentist accepting patients and asked for help so I rang round, eventually spoke to Monday's dentist who said they would refer him to an appropriate dentist 👍. He was supposed to go to work today, as who knows how long it will take to be referred and he can't just not go to work for ages while waiting. I leave for work this morning assuming he's gone in (he leaves after me) but get home to find he hasn't gone to work. He's also done nothing in the house (not a massive issue but he could have just done the dishwasher or something and the house is a mess), just been sitting watching a series all day. Am I being awful to feel annoyed with him?? I know he's in pain and toothache is so so awful (I have had lots of tooth trouble over the years so I know how bad it can be), but I also don't think it's okay for him to just stay off work everyday.. especially because we have no idea when he'll actually get an appointment to have the work done. He's taking co codamol, ibuprofen and using benzocaine tooth gel so it's not like he can do much more to relieve the pain, he's just got to deal with it until the appointment. So wise mumnetters, Aibu and should I try to have a bit more sympathy?

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/11/2021 16:19

You are not bu at all .
Why should you sort it out for him he's a grown adult ffs,yes toothache is a bitch but we've all been there and still had to deal with day to day things.
Tell him to grow up and deal with it because he can't keep taking time off for something he could get sorted if he really wanted too op.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 16:26

YANBU and I would be annoyed that he had sat around all day and not even bothered to unload the dishwasher

Edinvillian · 03/11/2021 16:30

YABU tooth ache is horrendous, I'd rather give birth again than have tooth ache. Hope he gets an appointment soon.

ClawedButler · 03/11/2021 16:34

As a self-confessed dentistphobe and someone who has had wisdom tooth pain, I actually feel for him. The pain isn't something you can necessarily work through, it's more like an intense pressure that makes thinking difficult. It also makes you incredibly tired. He's clearly trying to avoid going to the dentist because he doesn't want to go, and I can't say I blame him - they hurt you intensely then take all your money!

If it was me, I would want someone to be a bit more sympathetic than this. Just because you can't see the pain and haven't had it the same yourself, or been bone-deep terrified of dentists, doesn't mean it's not real for him.

ClawedButler · 03/11/2021 16:36

I likened the pain to being hit round the side of the head with a length of 2-by-4. It really is agonising.

Waahingwashingwashing · 03/11/2021 16:37

Toothache is horrendous.

But he needs to get an appointment and get it dealt with phobia or not. Can he go talk to the gp about some anti anxiety meds?

RubyRedSlippers1 · 03/11/2021 16:41

I would be annoyed he hasn't tried to find another dentist yet tbh. I think that probably is unreasonable though, as genuine phobias aren't something people can help!

Not sure what you can do, but he probably needs to speak to someone about his phobia in the longterm.

Dh had a wisdom tooth removed under GA, not because of a phobia - he is fine at the dentist. That was through private insurance.

sillysmiles · 03/11/2021 16:44

Are you annoyed that he didn't go to work or annoyed that when he didn't go to work he didn't do anything around the house?

If taking the sick leave from work is an option then he should take it, why go to work if he's miserable? If he's miserable I'm guessing he doesn't have much motivation to do much?

He is/was being unreasonable in not sorting out the appointment sooner though.

VillageOf8 · 03/11/2021 16:52

I've had impacted wisdom teeth and I can't even begin to explain the level of pain. There are no words for that type of pain. It just consumes you and no meds help. I do feel for him.

However, it's up to him to sort out his phobias and get an appt. Many people have an actual phobia of the dentist (me included) but go thru the necessary therapy/steps to work on it.

Regarding the housework, I would let it slide. Especially if he usually does his share otherwise. If he's like that all the time, then that's a separate issue from the tooth pain.

ClawedButler · 03/11/2021 16:57

And if he wasn't well enough to go to work, he wasn't well enough to do housework

Original poster

hullaballoo19 · 03/11/2021 17:34

I really do understand the agony of toothache and the dentist phobia. When I was 19 I had 9 months of wisdom tooth pain which was so awful, and I've had god knows how many filings, veneers and multiple root canals, all after enduring the pain until I couldn't any longer. I used to be terrified of the dentist and avoid going unless in agony, and when I did I was sedated for treatments. But when I got pregnant with dd they obviously can't sedate you so it was deal with the fear, or deal with the pain. I also breastfed for 2 years so went nearly 3 years without being able to be sedated and since then I've been able to cope with it (even though it's always horrible). But it has been a long time (10 years) since I was that afraid so I've probably mostly forgotten what it actually feels like. I really am sympathetic about his pain and fear, but I also think it's just something you need to deal with I guess. We've done what we can and have no choice but to wait now..

I don't think he gets sick pay, unless he applies for ssp and doesn't that have to be being off for a certain amount of time? And we really can't afford for him to be off work for ages without pay so I'm concerned about that.

OP posts:

Original poster

hullaballoo19 · 03/11/2021 17:37

@ClawedButler I'm not sure I'd consider doing the dishwasher as equivalent to a full days work! Surely when you've been off sick you've had to make dinner or do the dishwasher/washing up so you've got clean cups to use?? I get chronic headaches and I still do necessary housework (and go to work with them unless they're really really awful).

OP posts:

Original poster

hullaballoo19 · 03/11/2021 17:40

But the housework really isn't a big issue, I was just a bit annoyed that I came home from work and had to do the dishwasher and empty the full bins, which aren't massively taxing tasks and I felt he could have done. He does do stuff in the house, but no where near as much as me. But he works full time and I'm only part time so it's only fair that I generally do more

OP posts:

Original poster

hullaballoo19 · 03/11/2021 17:46

Just checked the rules around ssp and seems you can get it from the 4th day off. Though the weekly maximum amount is a quarter of his weekly wage which isn't good (though better than nothing of course!)

OP posts:

NoKnit · 03/11/2021 18:57

Scared of the dentist? A grown man?

Honestly hasn't he ever witnessed child birth? You realise there are bigger things to be scared of.

I find it really pathetic to be honest.

Bagelsandbrie · 03/11/2021 19:01

If the pain was that bad he’d be practically begging them to sort it out, sedation or not. (I’ve had toothache that bad - my wisdom tooth got infected so badly my whole face swelled up)! So if he’s prepared to wait then I think he’s a bit unreasonable to swan about at home not doing much.

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2021 19:04

@NoKnit

Scared of the dentist? A grown man?

Honestly hasn't he ever witnessed child birth? You realise there are bigger things to be scared of.

I find it really pathetic to be honest.

Harsh. People have phobias of all sorts of things.

OP his GP may prescribe some diagram instead of waiting for a dentist who will sedate him. I have an awful fear of the dentist (yes I'm a grown woman!) and it gets me through it. I also have a jaw that clicks and locks open and it relaxes me enough that it doesn't happen.

ThreeTwoFour · 03/11/2021 19:32

@NoKnit

Scared of the dentist? A grown man?

Honestly hasn't he ever witnessed child birth? You realise there are bigger things to be scared of.

I find it really pathetic to be honest.

It's quite cruel of you to render someone's phobia "pathetic". :(

I'm sure you must be perfect in every way to judge so harshly.

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2021 19:37

Wow I really should have proof read, sorry! not diagram, DIAZEPAM

1FootInTheRave · 03/11/2021 19:39

Has he got the appointment through?

It's about a 10 month wait here for the sedation.

HappyBackHome · 03/11/2021 19:49

@NoKnit

Scared of the dentist? A grown man?

Honestly hasn't he ever witnessed child birth? You realise there are bigger things to be scared of.

I find it really pathetic to be honest.

Very harsh. Phobias aren't rational! I have (personally) experienced childbirth three times and I'm still dental-phobic - so much so, I'd rather have another back-to-back labour with another 9lb+ baby and only gas and air than go to to the dentist for a filling...

Like a pp said though, I think the wait for a dentist, particularly if you need sedation, is going to a while poor bloke. I do agree though that he will need to find a way to deal with the pain and carry on his life/work/chores while he continues to chase up an appointment to sort it ASAP.

Original poster

hullaballoo19 · 03/11/2021 22:20

I echo those who say phobias aren't rational and labelling him pathetic is pretty harsh! He's obviously scared and in pain and I feel for him. But I also think life can't just stop because of it, especially with not knowing how long it will be until it will get sorted.

He doesn't yet have an appointment, we're waiting to hear that he's been referred (don't know which dentist he'll be referred to so can't contact them directly until we do) and when the dentist he's referred to will be able to see him.

@Sparklfairy definitely something to consider, my mum also suggested this!

OP posts:

madaboutrunning · 03/11/2021 22:34

YABU. Wisdom tooth pain is totally off the scale. When mine was infected I certainly couldn't have gone to work. I couldn't do anything - I was curled in a ball on the floor, wishing I could die and begging my DH to find something to end the pain. Nothing touched the pain, nothing at all.

PixieLaLa · 03/11/2021 23:58

YABU he’s not at work because he’s off sick with toothache, have a bit of compassion poor bloke

Rubyupbeat · 04/11/2021 01:49

Couldn't he get it done privately? If hes not getting sick pay, then surely it's worth it, so he can get back to work quicker?

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