Would you report this? Confidentiality?

[usernumberno46273]

Trigger warning - death, funerals etc.

Hello, nc and will try keep this short as poss.

I have a friend let's call her Mabel, she's someone I've been friends with since primary! Although we still speak a lot, we both have our own newer sets of friends, who we don't really know! I now live further afield, Mabel still lives in our hometown.

Anyway, my friend Mabel has a friend let's call her - Jean, Jean works in a funeral directors in my home town. I don't know Jean. She's not a funeral director or high up there but has a job there - not sure what exactly! She doesn't deal with bereaved relatives or organise the funerals, I know that much.

Jean is always telling my friend Mabel who's been brought into the funeral home, if there's anything untoward about their death, if their families have visited or not. I know deaths get announced but this is sometimes before that point, before funeral arrangements etc. Mabel then tells me the gossip which makes me uncomfortable as I don't feel it's appropriate. I kinda don't respond or change the subject. . My friend Mabel is a proper gossip and I try to act uninterested hoping she'll get bored.

Mabel has told me that Jean has said people bring their kids to visit their deceased relatives and how bad it is is (personal choice always there).

Also it has affected me personally, a close relative of mine last year died and we used said funeral home... Mabel was messaging me saying Jean said she'll go speak to him for me and go and stay hello to him. That made me totally uncomfortable. Like I say Jean, doesn't know me or my dead relative. She doesn't organise the funerals or deal with the families. Would she even be allowed to do that?

I didn't want to visit him there, that was my personal choice and Mabel was telling me Jean said I would regret it. I stood my ground, I didn't go and I didn't regret it at all. It's a personal decision.

Aibu to think a funeral home should be totally confidential? It's a reputable business, I highly doubt the owners would want this happening.

Would you report? I don't want to lose someone their job? But I feel it's totally wrong. Or am I thinking too much?

Sorry if this has turned out to be long. I just feel icky she's telling my friend and probably all of her other friends some dead persons business without their family knowing.

Yes, I would report it.
She is spreading gossip regarding the deceased and their families. That's way below par.

I would complain to the business if someone treated me like that at a time of loss and vulnerability. It's a violation.

I don't want to lose someone their job?

In these circumstances, why not? Why wouldn't you want somebody to be dismissed for abusing their position in order to violate people's confidentiality, privacy and their loved ones' bodies at a time of extreme vulnerability?

You're saying you think they should be free to continue such conduct? Why? Shouldn't the employer have the opportunity to protect other people from this conduct?

I would want such a person to be removed from post for the protection of others, and I would not feel bad about it. Sometimes people should be dismissed from a job, however complaining about their conduct towards you doesn't mean they will.

This employee is not the one needing to be protected. Your guilt is misplaced imo.

I'm a funeral arranger. If 'Jean' isn't arranging funerals and has access to the deceased then my guess is that she may be a Funeral Operative - that means she works out back in the mortuary, helping care for the deceased. If she's just general admin in the branch then there's no real reason for her to be interacting with the deceased. She may not actually be seeing them, just reading info from their files.

I personally would not talk about any of our deceased or their families to anyone, with the exception of colleagues if there is a business need to share any information. I most certainly would not be discussing any personal details, or their manner of death with friends or family. That is all incredibly confidential information. Even if she's not sharing the name she should not be gossiping about the death or the family visits.

Anyone in the funeral home should not be expressing an opinion on whether you should or should not visit your loved one. We ask family if they'd like to make chapel visits but it's a personal choice and what the family decides should be respected.

I think it's very disrespectful to the deceased that anyone is gossiping about them or their family. Maybe Jean isn't the best fit to be working in this funeral directors. You can call the funeral home and find out who the area manager is and speak to them about your concerns. Sounds like Jean needs some additional training on how to behave both inside and outside of work.

I would report it. A funeral home acted unprofessionally after my MIL died and I still regret (many years on) not complaining.

Sorry for your loss

@ftw163532 I wouldn't care if she lost her job really, just wouldn't want it to known it was down to me complaining. I guess ir could be anyone though. Mabel and Jean aren't even overly close friend so imagine she's gossiping to others too 😪

@RHOShitVille

I would report it. A funeral home acted unprofessionally after my MIL died and I still regret (many years on) not complaining.

Sorry for your loss

Thank you. that's not good! My loss was last year so I should have said something then but tbh it slipped my mind. It's not just that though, every other week Mabel is messaging telling me who's died before it's announced. I don't want to know 😪

Absolutely report. If you've no respect for the dead or their relatives you've no business working with them.

You are right to feel icky and surely no business has the right to go around sharing info about their customers. Less icky or significant, but surely the milkman shouldn't be telling you that next door have had an extra bottle today, let alone a funeral home worker sharing family gossip.

I'd be tempted to say something, and personally I wouldn't worry about someone losing their job. Better than some scandal blows up and everyone in the business loses their job when people stop using them because they can't keep from gossiping.

Then again, maybe I'm going a bit far.

Thank you. I don't know how to go about it. It's an independent directors, not a chain. It's not a reflection on the funeral home. The owners and director there is amazing, had no issues with them. I know the owner, which I feel is making it more difficult. It's just this one said member of staff.

It’s very tasteless to gossip about such a sensitive subject not to mention a breach of confidentiality.
I would report.

It's a horrible thing to do, tasteless and insensitive. It could potentially come back to bite them on the arse. I would absolutely report it to them.

@Mamamamasaurus

It's a horrible thing to do, tasteless and insensitive. It could potentially come back to bite them on the arse. I would absolutely report it to them.

Thanks. How would I do it anonymously? I'm not sure I want to speak on the phone (might know my voice) or by my email. I just don't want a backlash on me right now!

If you don't want to say anything direct to the owner then you can report via the National Association of Funeral Directors. However, if the owner is a friend of yours they may appreciate the tip off so they can handle it themselves, rather than have the NAFD come down on them.

www.nafd.org.uk/complaints/how-the-nafd-handles-complaints/

I'd report her friend and cut yours off, tbh.

She gossips to you about strangers but is clearly also willing to gossip with her others friends about you.

[quote Sausagedogsarethebest]If you don't want to say anything direct to the owner then you can report via the National Association of Funeral Directors. However, if the owner is a friend of yours they may appreciate the tip off so they can handle it themselves, rather than have the NAFD come down on them.

www.nafd.org.uk/complaints/how-the-nafd-handles-complaints/[/quote]
Thanks 💕

@usernumberno46273

Thank you. I don't know how to go about it. It's an independent directors, not a chain. It's not a reflection on the funeral home. The owners and director there is amazing, had no issues with them. I know the owner, which I feel is making it more difficult. It's just this one said member of staff.

It is absolutely a reflection of the funeral home and could have an effect on their reputation. They need to be informed of the gossiping employee. I would write to them or request a meeting with the owner.

The last kindness you can pay to someone is to treat them with dignity in death.

Flapping your mouth off when you have a duty of care to those in death and those who mourn them is deeply unprofessional, unfair and unkind.

@girlmom21

I'd report her friend and cut yours off, tbh.

She gossips to you about strangers but is clearly also willing to gossip with her others friends about you.

You are right but I keep in contact as she's been through some tough times lately! I try not get react when she gossips - but she still carries on! It's so hard! She gossips about everything as well!

@usernumberno46273

Thank you. I don't know how to go about it. It's an independent directors, not a chain. It's not a reflection on the funeral home. The owners and director there is amazing, had no issues with them. I know the owner, which I feel is making it more difficult. It's just this one said member of staff.

Speak to the owner as a "I thought you should be aware" kind of thing? They don't want a reputation.

I don't much about it and hopefully someone comes along who knows, but it might be worth looking into GDPR (I think it still applies to the UK) and whether she is breaking that.

Like I say, I am not sure if it does, but then you can bypast the funeral directors

This gossiping woman, is not suitable for this kind of job,maybe any job! She does need to be repremanded by the funeral director, as sooner or later, someone else will find out what she is like,and it will look bad for the business.

She's potentially breaching data protection laws. I would report her

I would contact the director of the funeral home and tell them that their employee named Jean disrespects their dead and living clients, gossips about the death and family circumstances etc and generally behaves in an inappropriate and unprofessional manner which will damage their reputation and business.

Tell them you are a client family and remain anonymous because Jean has already upset your family enough.

I think if you know the owners, all the more reason to go to them directly. Of course try the trade body if that has no result, but most people would appreciate a tip off like this so they can act. Wouldn’t you? They should be mortified but they’ve got no way of knowing about this until someone tells them

Type a letter to the funeral directors and post it. I would tell ‘Mabel’ every time she informs you of a death or something inappropriate that you don’t feel it’s right and can she not inform you in future!