Would you report this? Confidentiality?

[usernumberno46273]

Trigger warning - death, funerals etc.

Hello, nc and will try keep this short as poss.

I have a friend let's call her Mabel, she's someone I've been friends with since primary! Although we still speak a lot, we both have our own newer sets of friends, who we don't really know! I now live further afield, Mabel still lives in our hometown.

Anyway, my friend Mabel has a friend let's call her - Jean, Jean works in a funeral directors in my home town. I don't know Jean. She's not a funeral director or high up there but has a job there - not sure what exactly! She doesn't deal with bereaved relatives or organise the funerals, I know that much.

Jean is always telling my friend Mabel who's been brought into the funeral home, if there's anything untoward about their death, if their families have visited or not. I know deaths get announced but this is sometimes before that point, before funeral arrangements etc. Mabel then tells me the gossip which makes me uncomfortable as I don't feel it's appropriate. I kinda don't respond or change the subject. . My friend Mabel is a proper gossip and I try to act uninterested hoping she'll get bored.

Mabel has told me that Jean has said people bring their kids to visit their deceased relatives and how bad it is is (personal choice always there).

Also it has affected me personally, a close relative of mine last year died and we used said funeral home... Mabel was messaging me saying Jean said she'll go speak to him for me and go and stay hello to him. That made me totally uncomfortable. Like I say Jean, doesn't know me or my dead relative. She doesn't organise the funerals or deal with the families. Would she even be allowed to do that?

I didn't want to visit him there, that was my personal choice and Mabel was telling me Jean said I would regret it. I stood my ground, I didn't go and I didn't regret it at all. It's a personal decision.

Aibu to think a funeral home should be totally confidential? It's a reputable business, I highly doubt the owners would want this happening.

Would you report? I don't want to lose someone their job? But I feel it's totally wrong. Or am I thinking too much?

Sorry if this has turned out to be long. I just feel icky she's telling my friend and probably all of her other friends some dead persons business without their family knowing.

I might be a bitch or this has just really annoyed me, but has she ever had someone she cared about or loved died? Because if so any time she mentions a death funeral I'd respond with 'hmmm, and was that the case with your mother's corpse or is it something unusual you're telling me here?' 'Didn't your sister get upset sorting the details for her husbands service?'.

The 3 times so far that I have had to interact with funeral homes I have been massively impressed with their mix of compassion and professionalism. They truly made very difficult times easier.
This Jean is damaging the reputation of the funeral home she works at and much worse she is potentially causing hurt to people already reeling from the loss of a loved one.
As you so rightly say - people are not at their best during the aftermath of a death and may not be in a position to put Jean in her place, but those are the type of things that can upset you down the line.
There is a paramount need for confidentiality to be upheld and respected by the funeral home chosen to lay people to rest and I don't think Jean gets it. She's not a good fit for this role.
I am sorry to hear about your own loss and less than ideal service you experienced. I think you should do all you can to prevent Jean from causing any more pain.
Maybe it's time to also find some new friends, because if Mabel gossips to you, she is very likely to gossip about you in my experience.

Report her. Put some examples in writing so they know you're not just bad-mouthing her. It's a terrible invasion of privacy. My mum's next-door-neighbour worked front line in a bank and used to come home and regale the neighbours with financial gossip. We reported her and she quite quickly resigned - can't think why. There's no excuse for this sort of behaviour.

Jean is not suited to working in a funeral directors.

I would not want her anywhere near my dead relative in any capacity.

You definitely need to report her.

This is very unprofessional behaviour but probably not breaking GDPR as that does not apply after death.

I would report it - and i am someone who would rarely report anything.

Anonymous letter .

Get rid of Mabel too. She’s just as foul.

Absolutely report it. This is appalling behaviour on her part, and the people who run the business would absolutely not want this happening.

I think you're too worried about it coming back on you. It won't. Make it clear when you report (and you say you know the owner and they're good people) that it's vital that your confidentiality is respected.

She's obviously gossiping to a load of people, and Mabel is almost certainly repeating the gossip to lots of people. So there's no reason for them to even guess it was you.

Seriously, please report it. I'd be devastated if my loved one or my visits/non-visits were gossipped about this way. I wouldn't hesitate for a minute in your position.

Jean and Mabel are both weird! Why does Mabel think you want to hear any of this? And are you quite sure that Mabel is always telling the truth? I mean she could be embellishing what Jean has told her.

Personally I would keep out of it but make it clear to Mabel that I didn’t want those conversations.

@Upamountain43

but probably not breaking GDPR as that does not apply after death.

Thanks for clearing that up

Set up an email address just for this, using a false 'name', anonymous letter, phone call and withhold your number. I can see someone has provided contact info for a professional body too. She shouldn't be working in this role though, imagine if it was a relative or friend of yours

Both of them are awful.

I couldn't be listening to Mabel, so distasteful.

As for Jean, let her lose her job.

You are wrong, she most certainly is reflecting very poorly on the business and the fact they don't have the measure of her is surprising.

I received my neighbours funeral home bill some years ago, my number was on it, no house name.

By coincidence it was the same surname as my husbands and to see the breakdown of the costs for Mr. Husbands surname was momentarily upsetting, inexplicably.

Obviously I was not going to walk to my neighbours house with an opened letter so I called them and explained.
The person apologised and said they would send it out again to the correct address.

I then got a call from the owner apologising profusely for the mistake, which was very nice.
They took it very seriously as the privacy/confidentiality of my neighbour had been broken.

I was impressed with how seriously they took a simple human error.

GDPR does apply to an extent as the bereaved are still alive. So any gossip about who is visiting the deceased when etc would I think be covered because it's about living people.

@Inthewainscoting

GDPR does apply to an extent as the bereaved are still alive. So any gossip about who is visiting the deceased when etc would I think be covered because it's about living people.

She's not sharing personal data though, so it doesn't breach GDPR.

I experienced a lot of gossiping after my husband was killed from all sort of random people.

It was absolutely devastating that at the absolute worst/raw/traumatic time of mine and my kids lives, there were people out there absolutely thriving off of the drama.

Please do contact the owner. The woman is a threat to their business. Alongside being a drama whore.

It could be a breach of relatives/next of kin GDPR if she shares any personal information that she's obtained through work that could identify for example, the next of kin of the deceased, or anyone else that the funeral director is holding data about.

@FoxgloveSummers

I think if you know the owners, all the more reason to go to them directly. Of course try the trade body if that has no result, but most people would appreciate a tip off like this so they can act. Wouldn’t you? They should be mortified but they’ve got no way of knowing about this until someone tells them

This ^^

It's unkind to the deceased's relatives and will be damaging the funeral directors business

Jean shouldn't be gossiping - it's such an invasion of those bereaved families privacy

I'd be inclined to ring and talk to FDs direct and let them deal with it. They'll probably retrain her and give her a formal warning

My granny had a saying 'let the dead rest' I'd report about your own situation .

Considering the crimes of David Fuller who was able to access bodies in a hospital morgue I think you should absolutely be reporting this woman.

She is crossing so many boundaries, ethically, morally and possibly legally.

@OverweightPidgeon

It’s very tasteless to gossip about such a sensitive subject not to mention a breach of confidentiality. I would report.

In legal terms, the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) and the Data Protection Act no longer applies to identifiable data that relate to a person once they have died.

So no it's not a breach of confidentiality. However it's morally dubious.

I'm more amazed that Mabel seems to know all these people who have died if she's contacting you every other week to tell you who else has died. I would definitely report, but also I would be very, very careful what kind of information I gave out to Mabel in future. She's obviously happy to pass on gossip about anyone, and that will absolutely include you.

I would report that you know someone is leaking information without saying who then management can have a meeting in general ti remind everyone of the protocol and confidentiality and that breaking it can result in job loss. Thus warning everyone and if she still breeches this you would have every right to name names.