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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting really insecure over this colleague now

47 replies

Krystalcastles · 03/11/2021 09:14

I shouldn’t be as he’s with me and always tells me he loves me and so on.
She’s 10 years younger than me which doesn’t help.
He does generally get on well with women as friends but it’s just a vibe I’m getting.

A few weeks ago he said he’d be late home as he was ‘explaining’ something to her, and he came home 3 hours late.
She had a Halloween party the other night which he did bring me to in fairness.
When we got there a lot of people already knew his name somehow. When she saw us she ran up to him and flung her arms around him for like a minute. She gave me a hug but I thought she was really ott with him.

He was off work yesterday so he went to see her at work, and he says she’s someone who he can ‘really open up to’.

We did a pub quiz whilst she was on shift and they barely said a word to each other which was weird.

They don’t seem to text that much. They may just be good friends but I’ve been burned enough times in the past now, I cannot go through with it again.

I haven’t said anything but it’s on my mind , Aibu ?

OP posts:
Arabelladrinkstea · 03/11/2021 09:16

Yes I’d be honest with him, but in a way that you’re worried about her having other feelings for him but that you trust him

TracyLords · 03/11/2021 09:17

How long have you been together? How old are you both? Do you live together? Kids?

Original poster
Krystalcastles · 03/11/2021 09:17

He said his ex was very ‘jealous’ and it put strain on the relationship but sometimes we feel how we do for a reason and cannot help it

OP posts:
Original poster
Krystalcastles · 03/11/2021 09:17

No kids, live together, 1.5 years

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 03/11/2021 09:20

I think that if you're not usually jealous but one person in particular rings alarm bells that you should trust your insticts. They're telling you something is off here for a reason.

Original poster
Krystalcastles · 03/11/2021 09:22

I can feel jealous sometimes over other people but it usually passes quickly. I may have gotten this all wrong but who knows

OP posts:
TracyLords · 03/11/2021 09:31

I’d speak to him about it. See if he puts your mind at rest

Lavender24 · 03/11/2021 09:39

Going to see her on his day off and coming home three hours late because he was with her is not normal behaviour. My husband has female work friends who he gets lifts from, gets lunch with etc and I'm fine with that but if he did the things you mentioned I would have to say something. Trust your instincts.

Original poster
Krystalcastles · 03/11/2021 09:45

He sometimes says I’ve shrunk in a jokey way then the other week he said she got told by a guy she was too tall for him ,then said she’s his height

Once apparently she got mistaken for a guy , he told me that then said “But she’s the last person you’d say that about!”

OP posts:
Lavender24 · 03/11/2021 09:47

Sounds like he has mentionitis?

Coronawireless · 03/11/2021 09:49

@Krystalcastles

He said his ex was very ‘jealous’ and it put strain on the relationship but sometimes we feel how we do for a reason and cannot help it
Hmm. Now why would she have been jealous I wonder? He is behaving like a dick.
Sparklfairy · 03/11/2021 09:49

Telling you his ex was jealous is a red flag imo. He's setting the expectations now -i will do what I want, see who I want, even if it upsets you, and if you say anything then I'll label you jealous like my crazy ex.

Theres a balance between control on one side and respect on the other. So while someone in a relationship shouldn't dictate who their partner is friends with or spends time with, their feelings should be considered by the partner rather than just steamrolling thru doing what they want with no thought or care.

buntybanana · 03/11/2021 09:52

I agree that him telling you his ex was jealous is a red flag.

Also when you know, you know. If you're not a jealous person in general, listen to your gut. The main thing I would be concerned about is them suddenly not speaking during the pub quiz - what happened?

SpacePotato · 03/11/2021 09:55

At the very least he's clearly got a massive crush on her. You are not crazy or imagining it. He tells you his ex was jealous to make you keep your mouth shut.

Going to work just to see her on his day off ffs.

If I were you I'd start making plans to move out (or kick him out depending on living arrangements)

PaintedDaisy · 03/11/2021 10:00

He went to see her on his day off work?! Way too close to her.

MegaClutterSlut · 03/11/2021 10:11

They probably are messaging through other means imo. Trust your gut on this one op

Ohmybod · 03/11/2021 10:11

@Krystalcastles

He said his ex was very ‘jealous’ and it put strain on the relationship but sometimes we feel how we do for a reason and cannot help it
He told you his ex was jealous and that that put a strain on their relationship? This comment is a red flag to me. It almost sounds like a warning from him.

Could it be that he enjoys fostering flirty close relationships with female colleagues and managing you into complying and not complaining?

Sally872 · 03/11/2021 10:12

I would have a general conversation on what is acceptable to you. Ideally not mentioning her specifically.

Something like trust is so important in a relationship. I consider being too close to someone else as crossing a line. If you're opening up to an other person as much as your partner then that's a bad sign. Not physically cheating isn't the only boundary for me.

Then the hardest bit is to see what he does with the information. Hopefully realises how inappropriate he is and distances himself or he doesn't then I would split. He doesn't get to test the waters while you stand by and wait.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/11/2021 10:13

They should both be showing a bit more respect. I'd be talking to him and seeing what's what.

Henio · 03/11/2021 10:16

Not normal behaviour, I wouldn't be happy with this either

MilkywayMonarch22 · 03/11/2021 10:16

It wouldn't sit right for me, I know women and men can be friends but generally if something gives you a funny feeling it's either because it's actually happening or has the potential to.

He has warned you off getting jealous by saying his ex was - red flag and means of trying to control what you say/do re other women

He mentions her a lot and in a way that indicates that yes he finds her very attractive.

You need to be talking to him, although I'm not sure you'll get what you want from the conversation, especially the way he's mentioned his ex....

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/11/2021 10:21

I have lots of friends of the opposite sex and I find this weird. Saying he has to stay and explain something and then turning up 3 hours later? Does he normally do stuff like this? If he wanted to stay for a drink with someone why not just say. Going into work on your day off because someone is 'so easy to open up to' does shout 'emotional affair' to me. Sorry

CatJumperTwat · 03/11/2021 10:23

I'm very un-jealous but this bit made me raise my eyebrows: He was off work yesterday so he went to see her at work, and he says she’s someone who he can ‘really open up to’.

That's not normal behaviour. I have colleagues I consider good friends, and I wouldn't go in on my day off to talk to them.

MrsGeralt · 03/11/2021 10:25

Maybe his ex had good reason to be jealous.

inferiorCatSlave · 03/11/2021 10:26

I don't think it's normal behavior - but he made you feel like you can't say anything by saying his ex was ‘jealous'.

I think it's understandable it's on your mind but I think you may have to broach it with him and see how he reacts.