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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting really insecure over this colleague now

47 replies

Krystalcastles · 03/11/2021 09:14

I shouldn’t be as he’s with me and always tells me he loves me and so on.
She’s 10 years younger than me which doesn’t help.
He does generally get on well with women as friends but it’s just a vibe I’m getting.

A few weeks ago he said he’d be late home as he was ‘explaining’ something to her, and he came home 3 hours late.
She had a Halloween party the other night which he did bring me to in fairness.
When we got there a lot of people already knew his name somehow. When she saw us she ran up to him and flung her arms around him for like a minute. She gave me a hug but I thought she was really ott with him.

He was off work yesterday so he went to see her at work, and he says she’s someone who he can ‘really open up to’.

We did a pub quiz whilst she was on shift and they barely said a word to each other which was weird.

They don’t seem to text that much. They may just be good friends but I’ve been burned enough times in the past now, I cannot go through with it again.

I haven’t said anything but it’s on my mind , Aibu ?

OP posts:

steff13 · 03/11/2021 10:32

He was off work yesterday so he went to see her at work, and he says she’s someone who he can ‘really open up to’.

Well he's all but admitted to an emotional affair. He should be opening up to you, and certainly not going in to work on his day off to talk to her, that's weird.

Mermaidwaves · 03/11/2021 10:36

I suspect his ex was jealous because he did similar stuff with other women when he was with her? These men never change!

He's openly chasing her but because he's being honest about it you can't accuse him of anything, your gut is screaming here, listen to it. Attempting to cheat but in plain view, it's very sly IMO.

Returnoftheowl · 03/11/2021 10:37

he says she’s someone who he can ‘really open up to’
This would be a big red flag for me
Add to that making you feel like you can't raise it as an issue due to his ex bring jealous... I'd be upset.

Chasingaftermidnight · 03/11/2021 10:45

I would be unhappy about all the behaviour, you’ve described, especially the bit about the day off, and I think virtually anyone would.

And telling you his ex was jealous is pure manipulation to try to prevent you from calling him out on his behaviour - the whole ‘my crazy ex’ routine is such a cliche.

EishetChayil · 03/11/2021 11:17

He's either shagging her or wants to.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 03/11/2021 11:20

Doesn't sound right to me. Does he message her? Spend a lot of time on his phone?

Mistlewoeandwhine · 03/11/2021 12:13

Check for a second phone.

Saoirse82 · 03/11/2021 12:35

Usually on these kind of threads the OP is told she's being jealous and irrational but the majority on here seem to think there are a lot of red flags and I agree with them. Trust your gut, there's something doesn't sound right here, especially as 'explaining something to her' that made him 3 hours late and then going to see her on his day off, either he's cheating already or there's an emotional affair that's already started.

jeaux90 · 03/11/2021 12:53

I have loads of male friends from over the years of working in a male dominated industry.

I would never fling my arms around any of them.

This all seems really OTT to me and to be clear it's your OH that has encouraged it and enabled it. The lack of boundaries, the lack of respect. It's also really immature and smacks of a lack of self awareness.

At best it's an emotional affair, at worst it's more than that. If he's more senior and she is quite junior (you said she was ten years younger) he could be fired for misconduct

BadlyFormedQuestion · 03/11/2021 13:11

I agree that it’s not you imagining things or being unreasonably jealous. He’s giving you genuine cause for concern.

The thing that really stands out for me is that he’s obviously weirdly close to her: spending 3 hours after work with her, going in to work in a day off just to see her (who does that?), mentioning odd details about her, her flinging her arms around him at a party (where she’s presumably been drinking so her inhibitions were lowered).

Yet, they don’t seem to text much (that’s really strange for people who are so close that they can’t bear not to see each other if only one of them is working) and they are weirdly cold and distant with each other if he’s with you (and she’s sober).

Your instincts are telling you that he’s emotionally investing in her. And trying to hide it to find degree.

PABJ · 03/11/2021 13:17

What was he explaining to her for three solid hours?

This would be ringing massive alarm bells all over the shop for me, he's so desperate to spend time with her he can't wait until their next shift together, so he had to go into his workplace on his day off to be near her!

The 'I can really open up' to her is alarm bells too. About what? That's the kind of thing you say when you're having problems in your personal life and need a listening ear. What problems is he going through at the moment? Talking to her about his relationship not being great perhaps?

The 'she's the last person you'd mistake for a man!' comment is very suspect too, like huh? Is he trying to make a point that she's very feminine and womanly/attractive? Why is he trying to make that point to you?

This would be enough for me to say I'm really uncomfortable with this, and see what he did. Wouldn't want to outright tell him not to talk to her outside of work but I'd expect him to choose to reduce contact if it was making me uncomfortable given that this is a one off it seems and you're not generally jealous or controlling.

DH and I have loads of friends of the opposite sex and it's great, we both spend time with them one on one or go for little trips to see them when we can, usually separately now we have a child, we trust one another. But neither of us have behaved like that about a coworker or friend.

JustLyra · 03/11/2021 13:24

We did a pub quiz whilst she was on shift and they barely said a word to each other which was weird.

For me this is the biggest red flag.

You know they’re good friends. You know they talk a lot. Yet they were not speaking to each other when you were there. Almost as if they were being too careful not to be OTT like at the party…

BadlyFormedQuestion · 03/11/2021 13:27

@JustLyra

We did a pub quiz whilst she was on shift and they barely said a word to each other which was weird.

For me this is the biggest red flag.

You know they’re good friends. You know they talk a lot. Yet they were not speaking to each other when you were there. Almost as if they were being too careful not to be OTT like at the party…

The party where she probably wasn’t sober enough to stop herself.

PABJ · 03/11/2021 13:28

@JustLyra

We did a pub quiz whilst she was on shift and they barely said a word to each other which was weird.

For me this is the biggest red flag.

You know they’re good friends. You know they talk a lot. Yet they were not speaking to each other when you were there. Almost as if they were being too careful not to be OTT like at the party…

Yeah.

Lovers' tiff, they've had a falling out (which is very much not something you'd casually do with a work buddy), or they've decided to try put the brakes on a bit so as not to arouse suspicion/trying to cool things down because they don't want to cheat or cross a line.

DrSbaitso · 03/11/2021 13:30

@Krystalcastles

He said his ex was very ‘jealous’ and it put strain on the relationship but sometimes we feel how we do for a reason and cannot help it

Why did he tell you that? What was the context?

DrSbaitso · 03/11/2021 13:31

And yes, I think you're right to be concerned. But he's the one you need to deal with.

MsDogLady · 03/11/2021 13:39

Mentionitis. Attraction. Flinging arms. Extended hug. Devoting day off to her. Confiding. 3 hours late to ‘explain.’

Krystal, your concern is valid. He sounds smitten and is investing way too much emotional energy into her. They are clearly building intimacy and are, at the least, in EA territory.

He may be in too far already, but you do need to have a serious conversation. I would tell him that he is crossing boundaries and has much to lose, and that you won’t tolerate being made a fool of.

MsDogLady · 03/11/2021 17:24

More thoughts:
It is telling that he and OW were distant during the pub quiz. While they may have been off with each other, I think it’s more likely that a significant emotional or physical line had been crossed and they wanted to thwart suspicion.

It is also significant that a lot of her friends already knew him when you arrived at the Halloween party. He and OW have obviously been out together…perhaps when he was 3 hours late.

And I agree with others that his telling you about his Ex’s jealousy was manipulation to make you hesitate to speak up when he crosses boundaries.

As for not texting much, they are developing their relationship primarily in person. He may be messaging/deleting on other platforms or using a second phone.

Krystal, something is going on with them and you are being greatly disrespected. You can confront him in the hope that he will value your relationship enough to back away from OW. However, if he is already uber invested in the ego validation she provides, he won’t stop. Personally, I wouldn’t spend much more time feeling unsettled and I certainly wouldn’t do the pick-me dance. I would walk away and leave them to it.

ChargingBuck · 03/11/2021 18:28

He was off work yesterday so he went to see her at work, and he says she’s someone who he can ‘really open up to’.

She's not a colleague then is she?
Who - apart from workaholics - voluntarily goes to work on their day off?

Tell DH if he has stuff he needs to "really open up" about, here you are.
How about "opening up" yourself, & telling him it's really odd behaviour to go to work on a day off just to see a "colleague" - nobody does that! - & ask him how he'd feel if one of your own male colleagues hugged you for a full minute in front of him, & you spent your day off going into work just to see them?

When we got there a lot of people already knew his name somehow.

She's got mentionitis.
Again - you need to be talking to DP about this.
Tell him it's clear (from the mentionitis & the far-too-long hug) that she has a crush on him. That you don't like it, & what is he going to do about it?

Set your boundary now OP.
He may not respect it, but at least you can then respect yourself, if he refuses to see the light about this mutual crush on his colleague.

Sorry this is happening to you, it's enough to drive anyone round the fruit loop.
Don't let him deny or minimise his way out of it. You are concerned, you'd like him to make very clear to this young woman that the are colleagues only - & if he isn't prepared to do that, he's obviously enjoying the attention, & you won't stick around on his back burner while he conducts his emotional (or otherwise) affair.

ChargingBuck · 03/11/2021 18:36

@MsDogLady makes a very pertinent point about you NOT dancing the Pick-Me Dance for him.

Here is the admirable Chump Lady to explain further -
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Krisjongun1 · 06/11/2021 17:49

I still haven’t said anything, well I made a comment about him going in on his day off and how he ‘can’t keep away’ and he said he had to go in for a bit as he had left something there.

He was out with her and others again last night, urgh. Apparently they were having a discussion about toxic masculinity at the bar, he got in at half 2 but at least there were others there.

Been feeling down but if he wants to pick her over me then that’s his problem. If she wants to chase someone who’s not single then she’s a nobody too.

shinynewapple21 · 06/11/2021 19:08

Just to clarify OP - your DP and this woman both work in a pub together ?

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