9 month old.... am I doing something horribly wrong?

[Blueberry231]

Bit of context...

9month old DS
EBF plus eating three good meals a day (won't take bottle though so boob only and still boobing a lot)

9 months in and I still have no idea when he will nap as it changes almost daily we have no routine to speak of other than our bath and bed routine at 7pm each night.

We co sleep and DS wakes almost hourly through the night every night... sometimes a two hour stretch but that's rare.

Has never self settled... and I am not one for the CIO method (not judging those that do, I'm just not tough enough) so we do go to him every time he cries. He starts the night in his own room/bed and wakes 45 mins after bed time crying like clockwork and then basically every 45/60 mins all night.

Weirdly I am coping ok god knows how as I'm ridiculously sleep deprived.

The daytime naps I do find frustrating as he still likes to nap on me and often refuses to go down in his own bed so I rarely get anything done. He would sleep for hours on me but max 30 mins if I manage to get him down in his own bed. He naps on average twice a day currently but times are all over the place.

I feel like I'm doing something totally wrong. Am I being unreasonable to think so? Is this just how he is? I don't mind too much as I'm not back to work for ages but other mums make me feel as if he should be sleeping better by now. I guess just after some reassurance that this is normal and not every other mum out there has it down to a fine art!

Thanks in advance ❤️

Honestly sounds totally normal. My baby was the same. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's just hard going.

Are you planning on going back to work? The sleep deprivation will likely seem a lot worse then.

This is normal.

This was my son. Exactly as you describe. He didn’t start sleeping better until he was around 3 (sorry, maybe not what you wanted to hear).

Anyway, they all get there in their own time.

@yoyo1234 yes going back to work but not for at least another 5 months possibly 6/7 so hopefully he's sleeping better by then.....!

Hi OP, my bf son didn't sleep well until 13 or 15 months. It's normal tbh. Well done for managing without sleep! I'd have to Google how many naps a 9 month old needs and how often. For example if it's every 3 hours, give a feed and then put baby in the rocker and rock them to sleep. Chill and chat whilst rocking so baby is happy and then go quiet. Sometimes you have to ignore them a bit to reduce stimulation. What I also used to do was put the fleece blanket a little on his cheek. For some reason he would sleep better with it. I can't remember what age I did this, but I got fed up of feeding every 2 hours. One day I just started ignoring his request (co sleeping) and he just slowly started to self settle as too tired to wait for me. He didn't cry just sort of clicked in his mind. But I'd say, if you can start to leave the bed for first part of the night. This will give baby a chance to self settle if you're not there, or you might find that baby having more space in the bed enables them to sleep better as was in my case. Breast feeding is hard but it will end one day I promise lol

Well of course very few mums have it down to a fine art. And every baby and family is different.
Personally there is no way I could have managed with my babies being the way you describe. I would have been suicidal quite quickly! I loved routines for mine and could not have coped with feeding constantly through the night at 9 months - he can’t actually be properly hungry every single hour. Mine were ebf also.
It does sound like your baby has still not managed to learn how to sleep through more than one sleep cycle and is extremely reliant on your for his sleep.
Now, none of that matters if you are happy with the status quo. There are ways of changing it but it requires determination and persistence and sometimes some crying.
My only main concern was how sustainable is what you are doing right now. Are you going to continue to be a SAHM or is he going to be going to childcare of any kind? If so, when? You might need a plan for that.

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There's a very, very wide range of normal at that age and you're well within it. If it's working for your family don't sweat about anyone else. If it's not working for you there are plenty of places to look for support in trying something new (though I wouldn't recommend AIBU!).

Has he always been like this or has it got worse?

For one of my DC, who was a bad sleeper anyway, around 9-11 months was the worst, nap and sleep wise... Seems like other people's babies are often sleeping through by then too which only highlights the discrepancy. Even my other DC who was a much better sleeper started waking more around that time. Apparently it's not uncommon.

Personally I'd just relax and let him nap on you, make the most of it.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/

I follow a really credible pediatric psychologist on tiktok (I know, I know, but she’s amazing) and she’s not at all supportive of CIO etc, but she does say that if your baby won’t sleep at least 2 hours at a time at night, it’s a sign something isn’t quite right. In particular, it can be indicative of an iron deficiency. She suggests speaking to your GP and specifically requesting an iron levels check, don’t just let them fob you off by suggesting sleep training.

The contact napping is still really normal, but I would speak to your GP about the hourly waking.

There is no normal! Some are sleeping through by then some (like mine and yours!) are awake more than ever.

Mine were both exactly the same and with the first one I was wrecked by 9 months. With both of them 8-10 months was absolutely the worst time for sleep. With the second one I coslept to manage the sleep deprivation better (slowly transitioned him to a cot at about 11-12 months and he sleeps well now at 18 months).

It will get better.

Your kid sleeps worse then a newborn due to choices you made/are making.

If you are gonna rely on the "i hope he'll sleep better in 6 months" theory without making any changes to the way he is going to sleep; you'll find yourself in a whole other level of hell in 6 months (the hell of working and living on no sleep at the same time)

Nothing is gonna change; if your not gonna change.

You could be describing my DD at that stage OP! She was a very fitful sleeper for the first two years, and we ended up co sleeping with her for a large chunk of this time. Things settled a bit when DS arrived, and now she is 6 and sleeps through every night.

Nine months was definitely a particularly difficult phase for us.

I'm not sure I agree about there being something wrong with them if they wake that often. Some babies just want more comfort than others. That said, if it is a sudden change and if your DC seems fretful, having different poos or unhappy, then yes, see your GP. I did speak to the HV and got nowhere, she just referred me for counselling

As for napping on you, DD going to nursery at 10 months meant she broke the association and was able to nap in her cot. I miss those baby napping on me days now!

Yep, this is normal. It depends on a child.

One ( possible) conclusion I have drawn ( but might be wrong) from few people I talked about my daughter waking up at night is that kids who wake up more at night/ need more physical contact are more sociable/ have the need of companionship more than babies/ kids who sleep better/ self settle.

My daughter used to sleep in the other room but I was so tired of making endless trips to her room at night, I placed little mattress next to our bed, rolled over when she woke up at night and breastfed her then rolled back to our bed. It made a massive difference as I wasn't fully awake at night while attending to her.

The magical thing that happened was when I finally (she was 2yr) stopped bf she started sleeping through the night pretty much immediately ( would wake up for sip of water occasionally). Not sure what it is but they somehow know there is no milk so no point waking up lol.

In regards to 'what are you going to do when you're back at work' I got my DH to watch her from 6/ whatever time she woke up so I could catch up on sleep.

Oh and I don't plan on doing much while looking after her/ trying to put her to sleep ( occasionally I put cartoons on for a bit if I really need to get something done) or I am risking her smashing her head while climbing chairs etc. or simply not giving her the time she needs.

I used to get very frustrated with the fact how little I get done while looking after her then I realised I should not expect too much of myself in terms of house chores while looking after her as it simply impossible to keep on the top of house tasks while DD is at home. This is how it is.

Re other mums- I'd not pay much attention to 'how wonderfully their kids sleep through the night from day 1'. Sometimes they say so to feel better about themselves... I caught some friends saying their daughter sleep through the night then they gave away accidentally that the baby wakes up at night.

With DH we're already planning on getting massive bed when baby no 2 arrives to accommodate little ones as/ when needed lol I really don't care what other, 'perfect' mums say ;)

What a lovely and supportive message @Marvellousmadness! Utterly ridiculous and untrue. People like you made me feel even worse than I already did when my DC weren't sleeping. I don't regret a thing; babies need comfort and my DC are happy children now who have no sleep issues. I survived fine and managed to do my job too!

Exactly @Dominikaa! I found that those with perfect sleeping babies often had issues further down the line. Very rare to find a child who doesn't encounter sleep issues in early childhood. Go buy that massive bed and enjoy the co sleeping! You sound like an excellent mum, as does OP.

Don’t worry , completely normal . You basically described my 11 month old haha!

If I am brutally honest you lost me at: exclusively breastfed and co sleeping.
It isn't a judgment before anyone says but it just seems like a bad combination.
Work on reducing one of them at a time.

When I stopped breastfeeding my DC still didn't sleep well! It's not a magic solution, sadly.

This was me and my son at this age, though I did try quite hard to get his naps in on time (not always successful).
He's 23 months now and gradually improved each month without me doing anything.
He's gone from waking hourly to waking once a night. Still breastfed but we stopped co sleeping about 6 months ago when I felt ready.
If it's working for your family, that's all that matters and he won't be waking hourly forever!

'babies need comfort' exactly that!

Sorry @Blueberry231 for hijacking your thread I'll back off now...forgot how riled up these sleep threads make me!

@Marvellousmadness

Your kid sleeps worse then a newborn due to choices you made/are making.

If you are gonna rely on the "i hope he'll sleep better in 6 months" theory without making any changes to the way he is going to sleep; you'll find yourself in a whole other level of hell in 6 months (the hell of working and living on no sleep at the same time)

Nothing is gonna change; if your not gonna change.

erm... things will change as toddlers/ kids sleep better with time.

Imo babies come into a light sleep/partial arousal every 45/60mins, normal for them to squawk etc before settling. I was stuck on the loo and had to leave mine for 5 mins and amazingly he went back to sleep. So I started the 5 min rule then if still awake inwont and stoked his head and held his had etc for 5 mins then if crying still I'd pick up. I also realised I had falled into the trap of him expecting fed everytime he woke up so dh started doing night settles for a week. Ds was most put out but he soon realised dh wasnt going to feed him, just a cuddle si there was no point staying awake.

OP, if we'd swapped he for she I could've written this post exactly. Solidarity hugs