9 month old.... am I doing something horribly wrong?

[Blueberry231]

Bit of context...

9month old DS
EBF plus eating three good meals a day (won't take bottle though so boob only and still boobing a lot)

9 months in and I still have no idea when he will nap as it changes almost daily we have no routine to speak of other than our bath and bed routine at 7pm each night.

We co sleep and DS wakes almost hourly through the night every night... sometimes a two hour stretch but that's rare.

Has never self settled... and I am not one for the CIO method (not judging those that do, I'm just not tough enough) so we do go to him every time he cries. He starts the night in his own room/bed and wakes 45 mins after bed time crying like clockwork and then basically every 45/60 mins all night.

Weirdly I am coping ok god knows how as I'm ridiculously sleep deprived.

The daytime naps I do find frustrating as he still likes to nap on me and often refuses to go down in his own bed so I rarely get anything done. He would sleep for hours on me but max 30 mins if I manage to get him down in his own bed. He naps on average twice a day currently but times are all over the place.

I feel like I'm doing something totally wrong. Am I being unreasonable to think so? Is this just how he is? I don't mind too much as I'm not back to work for ages but other mums make me feel as if he should be sleeping better by now. I guess just after some reassurance that this is normal and not every other mum out there has it down to a fine art!

Thanks in advance ❤️

Sounds like hell to me but it's how you feel that counts. So if you are fine with it and your baby isnt overtired then there's no problem.

@ColourMeExhausted

Exactly *@Dominikaa*! I found that those with perfect sleeping babies often had issues further down the line. Very rare to find a child who doesn't encounter sleep issues in early childhood. Go buy that massive bed and enjoy the co sleeping! You sound like an excellent mum, as does OP.

Thanks @ColourMeExhausted

Just to add, when I spoke to my health visitor ( countless times, I think she was bored with me asking same question over and over again - as a Project Manager I 'had to' nail the schedule/ sleeping patterns) re the sleeping issues, she said she has 6 kids and each of them had different sleeping patterns so there is no rule. I spent ages trying to figure out what's wrong with my daughter/ what I am doing wrong. Turns out it is just babies being babies- they need that physical contact, they're not projects or robots that work as scheduled/ programmed.

@Marvellousmadness

Your kid sleeps worse then a newborn due to choices you made/are making.

If you are gonna rely on the "i hope he'll sleep better in 6 months" theory without making any changes to the way he is going to sleep; you'll find yourself in a whole other level of hell in 6 months (the hell of working and living on no sleep at the same time)

Nothing is gonna change; if your not gonna change.

Hi OP, please don’t listen to this- it’s bit better agar if anything you did it didn’t do. My first was like this and honestly it was putting me off having more (although I ended up with 4 lol) I tried everything you can think of but he seemed to turn a corner himself naturally at around 20 months and was suddenly napping in a routine and sleeping for far greater periods at night. The only thing I think i did differently was find a daily routine for everything such as eating and play time and stick to it. I have realised kids thrive in routine so maybe find one that works for you and preserve. Immense best of luck from one who has been there x

Get the Huckleberry app and log everything. Pay for the upgrade. It worked within weeks for us. I posted on here (under a different username) when my eldest DS was around the same age and not sleeping well and I was inundated with people saying I was unreasonable for expecting to get more sleep and I was setting unrealistic expectations for him - two months later and he was sleeping far better and I felt like a human being again.

If you and your baby are happy with how things are - it's fine! You're not doing anything wrong.
Lots of mums like to care for their babies as you are and it's well within "normal" - whatever that is.

However, if you would prefer to have more of a daytime routine, teach your baby to sleep by himself and sleep longer at night - also fine!
Lots of mums like routines and independent sleep too and that is also "normal".

Basically there's no right or wrong. So long as your baby is growing and thriving and you are enjoying motherhood, whatever you're doing to achieve that is all good.

I think it's common but not normal to wake that often. You can do something about it if you want to. It's not ideal for you to be sleep deprived and your baby also will benefit from sleeping better. There are other methods than cry it out. The baby needs to learn to go to sleep without being fed or cuddled. So you need to gradually reduce the amount of input until they can go.to sleep on their own. It's a tedious process but no need for any distress.

To add as well that being over tired causes poor sleep. So you need to ensure the daytime naps happen. I would devote a fortnight to getting the naps happening at the right times (look up a schedule for the age) and the night sleep should get better.

I agree with others, get the huckleberry app but don't pay for it! Focus on the wake windows in-between sleeps. I'm not saying it's going to help with the baby that wants to be cuddled all night but it does help with the naps.

My first is almost 3 and I can probably count on one hand the number of nights he has slept through.. that little boy loves his mum's and my 6 month old still loves 3 boobs a night 🤣.

Try the "wake to sleep" method, it's sounds like exactly what you need to get him to link sleep cycles www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/wake-to-sleep-help-baby-short-naps/

What made a massive difference to us was when our son started sleeping once a day. So after lunch plus feeding to sleep (in bed!) was able to leave for 1-2 hours.
I remember not thinking it was possible since all his naps were on us or during walks previously.

Ebf 9 month old here, 3rd baby. There is definitely a wide range of normal but I think you are might be missing the signs or wake Windows during the day and it's impacting night time.

Get them a lovey as a suggestion, go with the short naps for now in the cot, they might extend them over time.

It doesn't sound very normal to me.

@foodtoorder

If I am brutally honest you lost me at: exclusively breastfed and co sleeping. It isn't a judgment before anyone says but it just seems like a bad combination. Work on reducing one of them at a time.

This is just not true. A lot of cosleepers get more sleep and breastfeeding should not be reduced to cure a supposed sleep problem.

You are not doing anything wrong, I think this is completely normal. I can’t understand the obsession with making tiny babies ‘independent’. They have evolved the need to wake during the night to 1. Check they haven’t been left alone (as they might be eaten by a lion) and 2. To feed.
Fighting against their biological instincts is cruel & hard work. It’s much kinder & easier on you to continue what you are doing. In time, (which will pass quicker than you can imagine!), they will start sleeping for longer stretches when they are ready.
At nighttime cosleeping might help as you won’t be completely disturbed by having to get up to settle DS & he might sleep better as he’ll sense you are near & may not fully wake up.
During the day, I found feeding to sleep lying down on the bed then slowly creeping away once they were in a deep sleep allowed me some time to get things done.

Sounds pretty normal for an ebf baby! 9 months is horrendous for sleep, it’ll only get better from this point. Hang in there!

You're not doing anything wrong OP. There are loads of things that I do/don't do with DS that I feel I should be or other people do better than me etc...and what works for one won't work for everyone.

I'd gently suggest trying some form of sleep training if you do want to change things though? Not CIO, I understand you don't want to do that. With DS I was feeding him to sleep and trying to rock him to sleep for ages before I'd try to put him down and sneak out only for him to wake up the minute I put him down again, it would take hours some times.

In the end I would do our usual routine, bath, bed, story and bottle and when he was drifting I'd put him down give him a kiss and a shush and leave the room. Yes he'd cry but I'd go back in after 5 mins, kiss, pat, shush, leave for 10 mins etc...

It took about a week but we are now at a point where he'll go down when he's still awake and go to sleep on his own until 5am and then it's bottle and back to sleep until 7.

It's hard, it made my skin itch listening to him crying for those 10 mins. But I'm so glad I did it.

There are a few different methods, perhaps have a look at some other than CIO and see if you would be comfortable giving one a go?

I do think co sleeping can be great for some babies but not others. DS did co sleep for quite a while with me and it worked well for him until about 6 months when he suddenly seemed restless unless he had his own space. He sleeps much better in his own cot now, I just don't think co sleeping was a long term solution for him.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. Like other posters I found the Huckleberry app really helpful for tracking and spotting patterns.

My son (just turned 1) has always been very sporadic with his naps. Luckily he is good at night in his own cot. I EBF. Most of it is luck of the draw with sleep so don’t beat yourself up.
Honestly try the app!

@Marvellousmadness

Your kid sleeps worse then a newborn due to choices you made/are making.

If you are gonna rely on the "i hope he'll sleep better in 6 months" theory without making any changes to the way he is going to sleep; you'll find yourself in a whole other level of hell in 6 months (the hell of working and living on no sleep at the same time)

Nothing is gonna change; if your not gonna change.

That's not at all true. My dd (youngest child, has an older brother who slept fine) was exactly the same. Cosleeping. Waking all the time.

Now she's napping and sleeping on a good schedule mainly in her cot. She can fall asleep by herself.

Babies change and giving them support, love and comfort helps.

Oh, and she's 13 months now.

It does sound like your baby has still not managed to learn how to sleep through more than one sleep cycle and is extremely reliant on your for his sleep.
Now, none of that matters if you are happy with the status quo. There are ways of changing it but it requires determination and persistence and sometimes some crying.

I started typing and realised I was basically duplicating this

The problem is letting him nap on you in the day so obviously he’s looking for that at night. Maybe a bit late to say now but best to put down in a crib 3/4 asleep to learn to self settle a bit.

There are some amazingly encouraging comments here so thank you so much everyone. Definitely food for thought and so nice to know I'm not alone.

Waking up after a much better night last night! :)