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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not attend work Christmas party

62 replies

user65309871 · 02/11/2021 19:17

I was really looking forward to my works Christmas party this year after been off work sick for just over a year and not socialising much during this time.
I returned to work 6 months ago and now work mornings as I can't manage full days and get tired in the afternoons.
Today I overheard some of my colleagues slagging me off that I only work mornings and go home during the busiest time of the day (afternoons). It's made me feel really useless and knocked my confidence a bit.
Now I'm thinking why would I want to spend an evening with them when they slag me off behind my back.
AIBU to not want to go to the Christmas party and socialise with them?

OP posts:

Graphista · 02/11/2021 20:19

Plus what @JamOrMarmaladeOnToast said

It's not an appropriate way to behave at work.

We all need to vent at times but you do it outside of work and in private (which inc not deriding colleagues or the company on sm - most companies have a clause in contracts barring that these days, my dd isn't even allowed to say online what company she works for)

libertyfarmboots · 02/11/2021 20:32

If your colleagues are unable to handle their workloads, that’s on your management, not you. There are no circumstances I would find it appropriate to have that conversation within the work environment. I’m sorry you overheard them as it can feel like a kick in the gut when colleagues gossip.

Yogawankonobi · 02/11/2021 20:37

@SummaLuvin

Your hours and your health are none of their business.

I disagree with this if OPs co-workers are being impacted. I had a colleague who was off with stress leave for over 2 months - it's easy to say her health and time off were none of my business, but the way my company dealt with things meant for that period me and the 5 other members of my team had to absorb all the extra work, and it was really tough. We definitely commented on how we wished X was back in the office, and how hard it was completing her role in addition to our own, that we were tired and fed-up with being understaffed... We were directly impacted by her absence. Of course the appropriateness of the conversation OP overheard depend on whether observations were made or derogatory comments, one is OK in my book, the other entirely wrong.

I work in the nhs. We are short staffed most of the time. Low staffing levels affect my ability to do my job and provide best care to my patients.

It is still absolutely none of my business when my colleagues are absent or working on phased return.

Miliao · 02/11/2021 20:43

I think is difficult to call. If they said, ‘my workload is crazy, as ‘X’ only works mornings now my workload has doubled and the afternoon shift is the busiest’, then I don’t think that’s bullying, it’s just stating facts. If they were disparaging and said, ‘X is so lazy, they only work mornings’, then that is bullying. People should be allowed to vent to their colleagues, but they shouldn’t be bullies. Obviously they need to speak to their boss, but I think most people have had a winge to a mate at work about workloads.

tttigress · 02/11/2021 20:45

Not a big fan of socialising out of work.

But once or twice s year is probably expected

JamOrMarmaladeOnToast · 03/11/2021 01:10

to @Graphista

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/11/2021 06:21

I think it would be overkill to report it. Nobody has been unkind to op and she was unaware of their opinion until she overheard a private conversation. It's a rare person who hasn't grumbled about a colleague at some point and private opinions are still allowed. It does sound as if the situation could be better managed if staff are struggling during the busiest part of the day. Are you planning to return to your full time hours op? Just wondering why they haven't recruited someone to fill the hours you've cut.

Squeezita · 03/11/2021 06:37

Well I feel sorry for them if mgmt haven’t got someone to replace you for the afternoons.

That’s not your problem though.

However, it’s a bit petty to boycott the party due to 1 or 2 people.

I’m teetotal but still attend the odd party as it creates more goodwill and closeness than just working together the rest of the year.

drpet49 · 03/11/2021 06:37

* I think it would be overkill to report it. Nobody has been unkind to op and she was unaware of their opinion until she overheard a private conversation. It's a rare person who hasn't grumbled about a colleague at some point and private opinions are still allowed.*

^I agree

pansypotter123 · 03/11/2021 06:52

Today I overheard some of my colleagues slagging me off that I only work mornings and go home during the busiest time of the day (afternoons). It's made me feel really useless and knocked my confidence a bit.

There's a wealth of difference between colleagues being concerned that OP's working hours have led to pressure on their working hours, and downright nastiness because they are working such hours. The latter is not acceptable, and, as such, IS a management/HR issue.

Squeezita · 03/11/2021 06:55

But they haven’t been nasty to her. She overheard a private conversation.

gcgirlsrock · 03/11/2021 06:55

I wouldn’t go - you will inevitably be judged that you have the energy to socialise but not to work. Plan a fun Christmas evening with family or groves instead - people that understand your illness.

I too would report

gcgirlsrock · 03/11/2021 06:56

Friends

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2021 07:00

I try hard not to socialise with people I work with, it’s always so smears for many reasons. The only thing we have in common is work usually. I have in the past and people chat about work or stuff you talk to hairdresser about.

I go to hobby Xmas parties and socialise with friends as we are genuinely their to share friendship & we have common interest

Elisemum · 03/11/2021 13:23

No one has bullied OP. op overheard a private conversation, yes it was unpleasant but it was private! Let’s top with the worlds being politically correct non stop, soon enough you won’t be able to open your mouth at all!! Come on! I’m allowed to say whatever the heck I want and it’s no ones business! It has nothing to do with bullying!
For example I work with an idiot and I keep saying to my close colleague what an idiot that person is and they agree - this is not bullying, it’s a private conversation.
Sorry you overheard it OP and you can call them on it if you like, but morning for HR

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/11/2021 13:27

Were they slagging you off? What was the wording?

"God its manic on the afternoons isnt it? Doesnt help that X only does mornings now" - or something along those lines, is not slagging off.

"Its mad busy in the afternoons and, of course, X couldn't possibly work them as she is "too tired"" - would fall under slagging off.

SummaLuvin · 03/11/2021 14:12

I think @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz has used great examples to demonstrate what I was trying to get across up thread. Without OP coming back and clarifying what she heard then it is impossible to say whether or not it was bullying.

However, I strongly disagree with the sentiments of @Elisemum that because it was a conversation OP wasn't supposed to hear then it can't be bullying and it is "politically correct" to address it with the colleagues if they made derogatory comments. It’s worth remembering that ‘freedom of speech’ does not mean your words have no consequences - you can say what you want, but that doesn’t mean other people have to like it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/11/2021 17:03

OP overheard the conversation. They were talking loudly enough in her presence to do so - then its not a private conversation.

Did they intend that she overheard it?

You should report this OP - not for any specific action - but in case it escalates. They were horrible and perhaps this is not an atmosphere that your management wants to encourage. You should have the right to come to work without this extra stress.

Your return and working hours were agreed by your management. Co -workers should not be blaming you for the agreement, they should discuss it with management if they've got a beef about it.

But they should also reflect that the fact that management accommodated your return sets a precedent and works in their favour if they are ever seriously ill.

Graphista · 03/11/2021 19:26

@Elisemum ime the people that tend to say "political correctness gone mad" tend to be those incapable of understanding WHY political correctness needs to exist and why certain aspects of it are legislated for.

There is no expectation of privacy at work, you should never say anything in work you wouldn't be willing and happy for your colleagues and boss to hear you say - that's a pretty good rule of thumb

The behaviour you claim to be engaging in could very well be classed as bullying, it's certainly unnecessary and unprofessional

You're actually NOT Allowed to say whatever you want whenever you want there are rules and laws that guard against that and many an employee has run foul of them and found themselves disciplined or even sacked - I've sacked such people myself

In this case the op falls under the legal definition of "disabled" and as such has extra protections from such comments in the workplace - that is why myself and others have encouraged her to report it as it's totally unacceptable, unprofessional, unkind and not remotely necessary and it meets the definition of disability discrimination in the workplace, which if once reported the company didn't act on it could land them in VERY hot water

And rightly so

Persephoned · 04/11/2021 08:47

I’m teetotal but still attend the odd party as it creates more goodwill and closeness than just working together the rest of the year.

This is such an odd thing to say, I don’t drink alcohol and still host and go to parties because I enjoy them and enjoy socialising! It really is an unhelpful myth that teetotal people don’t like/go to parties.

Not the point of the thread….

OP, yanbu to not go, but I think you should go if you were looking forward to it. It’s not clear exactly what your colleagues said but it’s never nice to hear people talking about us so it is probably looming larger than it actually is iyswim. I personally wouldn’t report, if they were really really laying into me I would have said something at the time, but would hold my head high and go to the party and spend time with other colleagues.

JassyRadlett · 04/11/2021 08:53

Come on! I’m allowed to say whatever the heck I want and it’s no ones business!

That is factually incorrect in a workplace setting.

AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 09:19

Come on! I’m allowed to say whatever the heck I want and it’s no ones business! you can say whatever you want but in a workplace it is other people's business and you may face the wrath of HR.

JustLyra · 04/11/2021 09:25

@Elisemum

No one has bullied OP. op overheard a private conversation, yes it was unpleasant but it was private! Let’s top with the worlds being politically correct non stop, soon enough you won’t be able to open your mouth at all!! Come on! I’m allowed to say whatever the heck I want and it’s no ones business! It has nothing to do with bullying! For example I work with an idiot and I keep saying to my close colleague what an idiot that person is and they agree - this is not bullying, it’s a private conversation. Sorry you overheard it OP and you can call them on it if you like, but morning for HR

If you get overheard calling your colleague an idiot you’ll find out quick enough that it absolutely can be a HR matter.

AchyFlower · 04/11/2021 12:35

@JustLyra exactly!

Original poster

user65309871 · 04/11/2021 17:23

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies

The conversation I heard without outing myself too much was that I was the cause of problems in the department due to the hours I work.
Another member of staff has handed in their notice due to a flexible working request been refused, they had asked to work till 3pm due to childcare issues. A few colleagues were discussing this and said user65309871 gets whatever hours she wants and that everyone should be working afternoons to make it fair and that because of the hours I work other people are leaving because of this.
It is busy in the afternoon but it can be busy in the morning its not like I am not needed in the morning.
Everyday when I arrive I always say morning and the only reply I get off them is that it was so busy yesterday after you left!

OP posts:

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