To have a list please g deal breakers / non negotiable going into a new relationship

[balticbaby]

Is it very linear and rigid ? Especially when your trust has been shattered in the past ?

Only you can make that list because one person's deal breaker, is often another person's "That's fine by me".

To even have them .... does it feel too rigid and rigid?

£10 says the resulting list of deal breakers from posters on here, mean that you'll be single forever.

It's not too rigid, everyone should have standards. I suppose it depends what you mean though. 'Must have ginger hair' = maybe too rigid. 'Must treat me with kindness and respect' = totally reasonable and necessary.

Depends on your list.
"don't sleep with anyone else" - perfectly fine
"I must know where you are at every hour of the day" - way too controlling.

if you have a list and you're finding you're not finding anyone that meets your expectations then it might be the people you're meeting or it might be that your expectations are too high.

Well I guess some are shallow ie Physical: financial/ career and others are traits and characteristics.

@balticbaby

Well I guess some are shallow ie Physical: financial/ career and others are traits and characteristics.

It still depends. Doesn't smell is physical. So is looks like Brad Pitt. One's reasonable, one's not.

Do they have to tick every box on the list?

I'm not precious. I'm just afraid of being really hurt again.
I thought I loved the strong silent type ...turns out he didn't speak
To me after a couple of years unless he wanted sex or to shout.
Now I'm determined to find a chatterbox

You don't need a chatterbox, but you need someone who wants to connect with you, makes the effort to, and most important expresses their feelings and listens when it is important.

Plenty twattish, abusive chatterboxes.... and you would probably get sick of hearing their voice!

Yes exactly. Gosh I'm really very damaged!

Well it depends.

'Doesn't hit me' is a dealbreaker for me that's so obvious it wouldn't occur to me to list it, but for other women that may not be the case. If you find it useful to write down your boundaries so you can remind yourself what is acceptable behaviour then go for it.

Probably unrealistic is 'over Xx height, earns at least £yy, no belly, brown eyes, enjoys a non-outing hobby for no more than 1 hour per week, etc etc etc etc'

Hmmmm I think possibly too rigid, but it's your life. Only you know who you want to be in a relationship with.

I know someone who is very picky with shallow things and she always ends up with absolute ball roots. So don't include looks and career in a rigid list I don't think... for example this friend only dates men with a certain look and with a degree and professional job etc. So now she's dating someone who ticks all those boxes, however, he is mid divorce due to him being found out using sex workers. He is mean about his exw as well and I just think "son, you cheated on her with sex workers. How is she the bad guy here"?

Anyway, he's a wrong un, so if you're going to be rigid, make it about the right things.

It might be easier to make a list of what you do not want. And then be open to anything outside of that. You’ll have to compromise or you may end up single forever.

Chewing with their mouth open, fuck no

But it's just so much down to the individual. Porn for some women is a deal breaker, as are short men or bald men. I personally won't go halves with a partner.

Yes think a lot of my deal breakers for want of a better term are my ex's attributes ie awful teeth, gum disease, very sweaty during the night in bed. They now give me the absolute ick but I can't help that.

Being unable to drive would b a dealbreaker for me.

Also, seeing my role as that of a 50's housewife with the expectation that I'd also be the main earner.
Zero interest in kids.

Morris dancing.

When single in my 40s, after discovering the love of my life was a lying bastard, after 20 years, top of my list was no lying bastards, followed by no smoking. However, I met a lovely man who rolled his own, but he did make me laugh (he gave up smoking after 10 years) and we were happily married for 20 years until he died. So have a list but be prepared to compromise.

You can and should have a list!
But make it positive!

Nice teeth
Speaks kindly
Patient
etc.

Basing your boundaries/standards on your ex won't guarantee you won't end up with another arsehole. In a way he's still controlling you as you're shaping your future daring life based on him.

Every woman should have several basic non negotiables, mostly regarding respect, the ability to actually be a good partner, safety and stability (emotional,mental,physical,financial etc)Then you add in the preferences. Then you have the really nice to have bits. This allows for a big enough pool to swim in. And remember, in general,things never change for the better. If he's not who you want now, he won't be in the future either.

Jim won't be a good guy just because he's the opposite of Bob.