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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS relationship with gf just limping along

32 replies

salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:36

My DS has known his gf a few years but only got together with her about 15months ago. She was pregnant at the time and her ex boyfriend had run a mile when he found out.

Fast forward to early summer this early and DS and gf had been getting on well, baby had arrived several months previously and DS took to being ‘daddy’ really well. BUT gf has been blowing hot and cold with him, finding fault with him and saying he doesn’t enough to help her - bearing in mind that he has done 99% of the night feeds, getting up in the morning with the baby, then when he comes home from work the baby is given to him straight away to feed, play with, bath and get ready for bed……every single night!!

Oh and he has supported them financially too!

Now gf says she’s had enough and is ‘done’ and she wants him to move out. They live with her family and were saving for a house. She said the same a few weeks ago and the relationship has limped on to how it is now.

One minute she’s ranting at him and barely speaking to him then she acts normal around him. He’s so confused!

I know what I’d like him to do and that is to leave, buy his own place and live his life. I have told him this during our lengthy chats about what’s happening, but I’ve told him that I’ll back him whatever he decides to do.

My main concern is how much of his life will he waste trying to salvage this relationship?

I’ve enabled voting as would like to know if you think I’m being unreasonable by wanting him to leave and live a happy life.

OP posts:
BananaPB · 02/11/2021 17:40

Yanbu but you need to let him come to the conclusion and make the decision himself as he's an adult. If he leaves because you've convinced him to, there's a higher risk of him getting back with her imo.

rainbowandglitter · 02/11/2021 17:41

It's nothing to do with you. He's an adult

Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:43

@BananaPB

Yanbu but you need to let him come to the conclusion and make the decision himself as he's an adult. If he leaves because you've convinced him to, there's a higher risk of him getting back with her imo.
I absolutely agree! He needs to make this decision himself but it’s so hard seeing him upset, then angry with what’s happening. I’m worried he’ll make the decision based on his love for the baby 🥴
OP posts:
Horst · 02/11/2021 17:43

Yanbu but you can’t say anything. Just offers that if he has to move out he can come home and continue to save up for a house while living with you.

TracyLords · 02/11/2021 17:44

Tell him there’s always a room at yours for him. And leave it at that

Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:44

@rainbowandglitter

It's nothing to do with you. He's an adult
I agree with you! But it’s so hard not to worry about him!
OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 02/11/2021 17:44

Are you sure he does as much as he says? She could have pnd? How old is your ds?

Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:45

@TracyLords

Tell him there’s always a room at yours for him. And leave it at that
Thank you! I have and his sibling has said the same. We’ve said the door is open whatever he decides.
OP posts:
Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:46

@Thatsplentyjack

Are you sure he does as much as he says? She could have pnd? How old is your ds?
I have questioned this for months and suggested he get her to go the doctor but she refuses. He’s 26 and she’s 25.
OP posts:
Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:48

@Thatsplentyjack

Are you sure he does as much as he says? She could have pnd? How old is your ds?
Yes I’m sure he’s doing as much as he says he is plus he spends a lot of time with us as a family at weekends with the baby because she doesn’t want to come. We’ve made her welcome and always include her in things we do.
OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 02/11/2021 17:49

If your ds is a teen I can understand your worry and I would be itching to intervene too, but tread carefully.

20+ he is an adult and can make his own decisions - good and bad ones.

minipie · 02/11/2021 17:49

YANBU

I wouldn’t criticise her though and as pp said, just say he is always welcome. I might be tempted to add something like “you can’t force a relationship when the other person doesn’t want it”. Nothing personal about her.

Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 17:52

@minipie

YANBU

I wouldn’t criticise her though and as pp said, just say he is always welcome. I might be tempted to add something like “you can’t force a relationship when the other person doesn’t want it”. Nothing personal about her.

Very true! I always try to be fair and see things from both points of view. Ive not berated her at all and have been concerned about PND but unfortunately she says she doesn’t have it.
OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/11/2021 17:58

I'd tell him your door is always open. I don't know how you're so calm!! I'd want my son to drop her like a hot potato run like the wind and never have anything to do with her again. He's so young to be saddled with all this, especially given it's not his child.

minipie · 02/11/2021 17:59

Well that’s good isn’t it. Both for her sake (PND is awful) but also his, as it means if she says it’s over he can at least take it at face value and not worry about whether it’s PND talking.

Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 18:04

@VladmirsPoutine

I'd tell him your door is always open. I don't know how you're so calm!! I'd want my son to drop her like a hot potato run like the wind and never have anything to do with her again. He's so young to be saddled with all this, especially given it's not his child.
Oh I’m really not calm 🤣 in front of him I have my level head on but in reality when he’s gone I want to cry my eyes out then rant at her. I have chronic back problems and all this stress has affected my back and neck to the point where I’m virtually throwing painkillers down my throat every couple of hours BUT I must appear calm, collected and give him the chance to talk to me and for me to give fair advice.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/11/2021 18:06

@rainbowandglitter

It's nothing to do with you. He's an adult
OFGS
Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 18:07

@VladmirsPoutine

I'd tell him your door is always open. I don't know how you're so calm!! I'd want my son to drop her like a hot potato run like the wind and never have anything to do with her again. He's so young to be saddled with all this, especially given it's not his child.
My feelings entirely!! If the relationship was equal then I’d be delighted for them both. He’s an amazing young man to have taken on this baby and he does it so naturally. However, there are so many red flags that I wish he would run for the hills!
OP posts:
Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 18:08

Thank you xx

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/11/2021 18:09

More than anything I really hope your son doesn't get her pregnant or she starts talking about marriage. This is such a terrible situation, all my sympathy OP! I hope he does see the light before there are irreversible consequences.

Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 18:14

@VladmirsPoutine

More than anything I really hope your son doesn't get her pregnant or she starts talking about marriage. This is such a terrible situation, all my sympathy OP! I hope he does see the light before there are irreversible consequences.
They were looking at buying a house a couple of months ago, I’m so pleased he decided to wait!
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/11/2021 18:14

Next time she tells him it's over suggest he spends a few nights at home (with all his stuff) and looks at the situation from a distance

I hope he didn't put his name on the birth certificate or anything

Cattitudes · 02/11/2021 18:15

Could you take a different tack and talk about respecting her position and also that maybe a break (rather than a definite split) will give her a chance to see whether she is serious about splitting up. She might miss him when he isn't there. Although secretly I would be hoping that he didn't go back.

neededafart · 02/11/2021 18:41

@TracyLords

Tell him there’s always a room at yours for him. And leave it at that
Yup
Original poster
salcombebabe · 02/11/2021 19:09

@Theunamedcat

Next time she tells him it's over suggest he spends a few nights at home (with all his stuff) and looks at the situation from a distance

I hope he didn't put his name on the birth certificate or anything

No he didn’t put his name on the BC thank goodness!! I’ve suggested that he gives her a ‘shock’ by him actually going which will give her chance to decide if she misses him or just the childcare he’s given 🥴
OP posts: