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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The big Christmas divide and conquer

31 replies

thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 16:49

Christmas...am I being unreasonable to want to spend it in my own house again this year?

I've just broached the subject of Christmas with my dad, who lives with my brother since my mum died five years ago.

Last year, due to Covid restrictions, for the first time in my entire life, I spent Christmas with my 'own' family in my home - and while I appreciate many people had difficult Christmases last year, for us, it was peaceful and relaxing for the first time. Prior to this, we drove all over the country - first to in-laws then up north to spend Christmas Day there with my dad - which really, we'd grown to dislike - too much driving, we ended up doing all the organising in both locations, and we both work full-time and need a bloody break!

This year, because of the way the dates fall, we're (DH and I) broaching the idea of visiting all elder relatives (DH's parents included) in the preceding week before Christmas, with us being in our house on the day itself - so we can see and keep it fair for both sets of parents, and also so that once we've shut the door on Christmas Eve, we then have the following week to ourselves.

My dad...is very unhappy with this idea. He's never once left his house to visit me or anyone else at Christmas (and tbf, he's getting on now so I wouldn't expect it) so doesn't really get the effort. His response was 'I hope you're going to be here on Christmas Day' and I said 'no, we think it's better to visit the week before, so we can relax - like we did last year'. When I asked why he wanted me there - he said, because you're my daughter and I hardly see you - this is from a man who probably couldn't tell you the name of the company I work for. Plus we've seen him three times in as many months - and DH's parents just once this year.

I feel like I've kicked a puppy. WWYD? Stick to plan A or cave in?

DH wants us to spend Christmas at home too.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 02/11/2021 16:52

Definitely Plan A. You’re visiting the week before, have a roast dinner and pull some crackers.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/11/2021 16:53

It's easy to get sucked into routines that suit others. You've reached the tipping point where your own routine is preferable. Stick to your guns, I think your plans sound fine.

Enko · 02/11/2021 16:55

Stick to plan A.

I like to see you too dad and I will be the week before and will call to say happy Chris

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 02/11/2021 16:56

Don't cave, thats a rubbish excuse, 'just because.....'

Horst · 02/11/2021 16:59

Stay at home. It’s always quite amusing the parents/grandparents that moan about their children not coming to them on Christmas Day are mostly the same people who refused to leave their own homes Christmas Day and yet don’t expect that their own children once grown may well wish to follow in their footsteps.

thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 16:59

Thank you so far - feeling a bit lighter. He’s very controlling. I’m not sure what my brother will think, but he’s generally more considerate about the effort plus would understand that we’re trying to do our best to keep a lot of people happy - including ourselves!

OP posts:
Oneanddonenotenough · 02/11/2021 17:00

Would be be welcome at yours if he did make the effort to come down? That might be the best outcome.

thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 17:00

Horst - that’s exactly it. I don’t think he realises or can comprehend that my home to me means the same as his does to him.

OP posts:
thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 17:04

@Oneanddonenotenough

Would be be welcome at yours if he did make the effort to come down? That might be the best outcome.
I said he’d be welcome to come here if he wanted, and he said don’t be so bloody ridiculous, at my age, I’m no spring chicken - and that he didn’t want to leave his house empty at Christmas.

He could change his mind, but I’d doubt it…

OP posts:
mbosnz · 02/11/2021 17:06

Stick to Plan A. They'll all survive. It's just change, and some people don't like that - or having to make any sort of effort when previously someone else has made all the effort!

Persephoned · 02/11/2021 17:09

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to stay at home with your family. But what does your brother think? Does he have family? Want to spend Christmas with friends or make other plans?

I wouldn’t want to leave a parent on their own - and in my set up where my siblings want to spend Christmas with their own families, with the default that I will always be the one to be with my mum so she’s not on her own, it’s exhausting. So maybe chat with him and factor him in too?

Persephoned · 02/11/2021 17:10

Tho tbh if you’ve invited your dad and he won’t come then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2021 17:14

@thisoldchestnutyetagain

Horst - that’s exactly it. I don’t think he realises or can comprehend that my home to me means the same as his does to him.
Oh this really resonates.

My parents moved house when I was 30. I had long flown the nest. But I'm supposed to view their house - now his as my Mum died - as my primary home, central to the extended family.

His house is honestly wonderful but it's not mine. I'm 50, when do I get to decide?

KeepOnNCing · 02/11/2021 17:18

Christmas at your own house how you want it, no contest. Hate parents who can’t see that they don’t let their Adult children do what they want as they have done

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2021 17:19

I also thinking extending the festivities either side of Christmas is a nice way of spinning it out. The emphasis on a single day adds a lot of strain in my view.

EscapeTheCastle · 02/11/2021 17:19

I really hope your Dad can join you for Christmas. It doesn't sound like you have actually invited him though. I say new Plan B.

Not A.

thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 17:29

@Persephoned

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to stay at home with your family. But what does your brother think? Does he have family? Want to spend Christmas with friends or make other plans?

I wouldn’t want to leave a parent on their own - and in my set up where my siblings want to spend Christmas with their own families, with the default that I will always be the one to be with my mum so she’s not on her own, it’s exhausting. So maybe chat with him and factor him in too?

You make a good point, and absolutely I need to sound him out before we make a decision. I wouldn’t leave my dad on his own if it came to it. It would be out of character for my brother to want to be away, but then…he may want a first too!
OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 02/11/2021 17:30

visit before then stay home.
you've done enough running around.
he might pout or sulk, pay no attention to that

thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 17:31

@EscapeTheCastle

I really hope your Dad can join you for Christmas. It doesn't sound like you have actually invited him though. I say new Plan B. Not A.
He won’t do it. I’ve asked every year since DD was born (she’s 12) and he refuses.
OP posts:
thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 17:33

@EscapeTheCastle

I really hope your Dad can join you for Christmas. It doesn't sound like you have actually invited him though. I say new Plan B. Not A.
I should also say that I think my mum would have come to us, but he wouldn’t let her, it’s very sad really.
OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 02/11/2021 17:36

unfortunately relationships are like trees, if they can't bend under pressure they will break

is he quite selfish and controlling OP?
he sounds like it

FireworkParrot · 02/11/2021 17:50

I would sound out your brother, he may have fancied a change of scenery at Christmas and you don't want to leave your DF alone (I imagine?) But otherwise, stick to Plan A. I think if you're going to do it, this is the year to set a new routine after a lot of people enjoyed a quieter Christmas last year. I'm exactly the same and like Christmas in my own home, waking up in my own bed and being able to just relax. We're visiting family the week leading up to Christmas and will do a nice meal together and swap presents, it'll be exactly like Christmas....just not the 25th.

EscapeTheCastle · 02/11/2021 17:55

I'm sorry he hasn't accepted before. I wonder if he will come this year when he understands you really need to be at home this year.

Horst · 02/11/2021 17:56

At the end of the day if he wants to stay in his house his going to have to accept that he may have Christmas Day alone at some point.

It’s not like he hasn’t been invited out, refusing to leave his own house is just a stick to beat people with to get what he wants.

thisoldchestnutyetagain · 02/11/2021 18:03

@Notonthestairs - so similar. His house is my family home, but I left aged 18, and I’m now 51. Fifty one!!

Thank you all, it’s so good to get different thoughts on this.

OP posts: