The big Christmas divide and conquer

[thisoldchestnutyetagain]

Christmas...am I being unreasonable to want to spend it in my own house again this year?

I've just broached the subject of Christmas with my dad, who lives with my brother since my mum died five years ago.

Last year, due to Covid restrictions, for the first time in my entire life, I spent Christmas with my 'own' family in my home - and while I appreciate many people had difficult Christmases last year, for us, it was peaceful and relaxing for the first time. Prior to this, we drove all over the country - first to in-laws then up north to spend Christmas Day there with my dad - which really, we'd grown to dislike - too much driving, we ended up doing all the organising in both locations, and we both work full-time and need a bloody break!

This year, because of the way the dates fall, we're (DH and I) broaching the idea of visiting all elder relatives (DH's parents included) in the preceding week before Christmas, with us being in our house on the day itself - so we can see and keep it fair for both sets of parents, and also so that once we've shut the door on Christmas Eve, we then have the following week to ourselves.

My dad...is very unhappy with this idea. He's never once left his house to visit me or anyone else at Christmas (and tbf, he's getting on now so I wouldn't expect it) so doesn't really get the effort. His response was 'I hope you're going to be here on Christmas Day' and I said 'no, we think it's better to visit the week before, so we can relax - like we did last year'. When I asked why he wanted me there - he said, because you're my daughter and I hardly see you - this is from a man who probably couldn't tell you the name of the company I work for. Plus we've seen him three times in as many months - and DH's parents just once this year.

I feel like I've kicked a puppy. WWYD? Stick to plan A or cave in?

DH wants us to spend Christmas at home too.

I said he’d be welcome to come here if he wanted, and he said don’t be so bloody ridiculous, at my age, I’m no spring chicken - and that he didn’t want to leave his house empty at Christmas.
Daft lump. If he won’t come down for Christmas, that’s his choice really, it’s not like you’re neglecting him the rest of the year either! I think your plan is a really good compromise plus as someone else has already said, it does spin out the festivities rather than squashing it all into one day.

YANBU he’s just trying to guilt trip you into doing what he wants you to do. We had Christmas at home for the first time last year too and it was bloody brilliant. Doing it again this year.

OP, my dad used to work with the elderly, and he was very good at dealing with stubborn behaviour. What you have to do is present your plans to him as a fait accompli, this is what you will be doing, (visiting before Christmas) because you want to see everyone and still have some time to rest and recuperate. Remind him of how busy and full on your job is. I think sometimes the elderly get set in their ways and genuinely forget what it was like working full time, and also become used to being the matriarch or patriarch of the family where their word is obeyed. Remind him of how may times you have seen him when he starts with “but I’ve hardly seen you” and also of the times he has refused your invitations. He needs to stop seeing you as his child and as an adult with your own life and responsibilities.

'Hey dad, you know how you want to stay at home over Christmas? Me too.'

Job done

Thanks all! I’ve just spoken to my brother who thinks it all works well - he wants to be at home at Christmas, and gets that we’ll be doing some condensed running around to see both sides of the family the previous week, then Christmas in our homes, plus some time off. I could hear my dad yelling in the background that Easter was more important anyway. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, see if he’s coming round to the idea.

So, case closed - thank you for advice, it really helped. And hopefully it’ll help others in similar situations who read this thread to navigate the choppy Christmas waters!

His reason (wanting to see you) is satisfied by you visiting before Christmas. Time spent with you should be special, even if it's a few days early. If he wants contact on the day itself, a call/video chat would do, but it doesn't sound like he's the type to enjoy that.

I think as long as he's not entirely alone, it's fine. His unwillingness to come to yours in the past sways me. He wants it all his own way and won't accept that that's now how life works.