I cant stop crying. Can someone just hold my hand for a bit.

[Howtomovethroughitall]

It's like a tsumani, and I cannot stop. Have drunk a small whiskey (it's night where i am) to try to calm down, but it can't fix anything.

My mum is very ill with cancer, and suddenly had to go back into hospital. I live abroad. I'm supposed to be getting on a flight to another country to go to a conference with my DP in a few hours and I don't think I can do it. I feel so heavy, I don't know if I can make it through it without breaking down and crying and crying and crying.

I need to make plans to get home, which involves an emergency check up for a serious health problem of my own before being able to travel. My health means I cannot drive at present, which is another smothering impossible issue for going home by myself (without DP) as my family live rurally, and the relevant hospitals are very far apart and things keep changing. Everything feels so heavy and daunting and I don't know what to do.

I just need to get it out, really.

Can you and DP just drop everything and go together? What’s the worst that could happen if you don’t go to the conference?
It feels overwhelming right now, but you will find a way through. Sending you best wishes.

Here, holding a hand. If you think your mum is coming to the end of her path then you need to get home, and your DH needs to come with you if at all possible

Can you and DP just drop everything and go together?

No, this isn't an option unfortunately, given my DP's job. The nature of the situation at home is so changeable too that things will probably be like this now for a while...it's really hard knowing when is the crucial time, and when I will need my DP most, if that makes sense.

@Teacupsandtoast

Here, holding a hand. If you think your mum is coming to the end of her path then you need to get home, and your DH needs to come with you if at all possible

I don't know if it is 'that' time (sorry, I can't even write it right now) because further scans need to happen.

Thank you both for your posts, it's really helpful.

Sometimes all you want is a magic wand to make everything go away. I’m sorry you have so much on your plate at the moment.

I am sure that letting the tears flow will make you feel better than shoving on a brave face. Stiff upper lips wobble eventually.

I’ve no magic wand. No magic potion to make it better. But I can hope positive thoughts for you and your mum and wish you a lightness of being.

Sometimes the road we walk is hard. But we don’t walk alone here.

Drop the conference, firstly.

Take a day to arrange the health stuff you need to travel.

How far is the journey to your mum?

This all sounds extremely emotionally taxing but see it as one decision and action at a time. Deep breath. You will get though this

I’m so sorry about your mum.

Is your DP supportive?

If you can’t travel without a health check should you be going to the conference anyway? I think you should take the pressure off yourself and say you’re unable to go. It’s OK not to go, sometimes things happen. Unless you’re the keynote speaker it’s not likely to be crucial.

I'm so sorry OP

I think you need to go home. Forget the conference. Organise your own check up today & ask DP to arrange flights for you.

You can sort out local travel arrangements when you're home 💐

Oh dear. Poor you. Let your husband go and make plans. None of your actions will impact your mum right now. She is in a safe place and she knows you love her. It is OK. Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4... square breathing for a little while. You are allowed to cry - let it all out.. I am so sorry you are going through this. Is your DH supportive?

Yes I can travel to the conference as it's a short hop on a plane and also just for a few days - but if I travel home I'm going to be much further away from my consultant, and also will go home for a month or two, so can't see my doc for a while so need to get in before i go if that makes sense.

DP is very supportive but my FIL died recently and MIL is also unwell so we are exhausted.

Thank you all, it's really calming to just talk to people right now.

Oh you poor love. Of course you’re crying
Hand hold here.
I’d also think seriously about ditching the conference. If he is busy most of the day then he probably won’t be able to give you the support you need. But go with your gut and do what you think you can manage. Do you have other friends or family close by??

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, have you been able to talk honestly with your partner?

If you feel the need for calm, try to name the emotions you're feeling out loud one by one, and why you're feeling them, afterwards you might feel dull and heavy - but I find it helps with rising panic.

You have hands holding you.

Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4... square breathing for a little while.

This is really working, thank you.

Bless you, you are torn aren't you? What an awful situation. I often resented the way the world didn't stand still when something dreadful was happening- that the car tax ran out, there could be competing health issues/family emergencies etc, when you just wanted to be free to focus on the one, big emergency.

At the moment, you need to prioritise your health. Do what you need to do to keep yourself as well as possible. Don't get overtired, go to your appointments. Get yourself as well as you can. The situation with your mum could be at a crisis point BUT it could also run on and on, with lots more crises like this. You need to pace yourself.

And- and this is sad, I'm so sorry- if you do lose your mum, you may still be facing crises supporting your dad and sorting out her estate.

When my dad died, it was a gruelling 18months, followed by a gruelling year, followed by 3 more almost as gruelling years supporting mum as she rearranged her own life to cope without him- sorting out her house, moving her, sorting out her new house... drama after drama.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Prioritise your own health first.

OP I'm not particularly wise or practical like other Mumsnetters but I just wanted to say I'm here, I've read your posts and it's ABSOLUTELY ok to cry. Cry as much as you need to. I hope you are able to work out a solution soon.

@Howtomovethroughitall

DP is very supportive but my FIL died recently and MIL is also unwell so we are exhausted.

I’m so sorry. Sending you good vibes.

My mum had stage 4 cancer for over 7 years. There were so many ups and downs in that time - many times when we thought it could be the beginning of the end, many waits for scans and new treatments and so on. It’s very hard emotionally, it is. But don’t lose hope - my mum enjoyed her life too - I mean she didn’t enjoy the effects of treating and dealing with it, obviously, but she knew and we knew that this was making the most of it time.

It doesn’t need to be near the end for this to be the right time to head home if you want or need to. All this time is the ‘right’ time. It’s all extra time.

OK deep breaths, we've got you.

From what you have said, this is the order of the tasks you are going to do:

1. Arrange medical appointment. Can you do that online now, or do you need to wait until morning?

1. Talk to your DP about him/her coming with you to your mums. They might want to, it might not be possible but just have that conversation to begin with.

1. Cancel your place at the conference.

Once those three things are done, you can move onto the next. Take it steady. Your mum is getting the best possible care and I wish her love and strength and dignity.

Oh poor you. As someone who's mum was more cat and had 9 lives (and thus I dropped everything and traveled 5 hours by public transport many times thinking it was it) I was able to visit and frame each visit as if it was the last. Which whimsy it was draining meant I didn't feel I had to drop everything each time something happened.

This isn't right for everyone, but as you will struggle to get there quickly each time subverting happens I would recommend once it is safe to go that you do so.

So very sorry for you

sorry this is all so hard OP.

Resolve in your mind to use taxis to get around when you are back in your mum's country. Uber if feasible but might not be in a rural area!

Op, how are you now?

OP just thought I’d send you some
Cry as much as you need to and then make the necessary arrangements to be able to see your mum

I’m very sorry to hear about your mum and your situation.
My advice will be in order of:

1. Ditch the conference.
2. Your health is your priority. Get yourself seen ASAP.
3. Once you are sorted with your health investigation go and see your mum.

Don’t neglect yourself in case it’s more serious than you think. Please don’t neglect yourself.