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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's child keeps touching baby's face and head

50 replies

Sam020 · 02/11/2021 03:50

I've got a 3 month old baby. Every time I meet our friend's 5 year old son he gets very excited to see the baby and among other things (that I can live with) he always touches the baby's head and face. I'm worried about the baby's soft spots and about germs being transferred to his mouth and nose, especially now during the Pandemic.

First of all is this a reasonable worry or should I just ignore it? I feel a bit bad about getting annoyed about it as I think he just gets really excited and wants to play with the baby.

Second, how do I get him to stop? I've asked him not to do that. I've showed him how to play with the baby instead. I have explained to him about the soft spots and germs, etc. I've tried giving him hand sanitizer before touching the baby but he doesn't thoroughly sanitise his hands. I don't want to tell him off because he's not our child and frankly because I don't want to upset our friends (his parents) and they have helped us a lot this year. We meet them a lot as my son and he are in the same class so this happens every day at pick up. And we also usually meet them on the weekends.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Yogaandcocoa · 02/11/2021 03:56

The soft spots are not as vulnerable as you think so if he's being gentle.

As for touching face if he's bit putting fingers in mouth etc it's probably fine. It's hard to get people not to touch babies. I have a four month old.

But then when people come over I am usually holding baby so have control over them touching etc.

Suzi888 · 02/11/2021 04:08

If your three month goes to childcare I imagine they’re in regular contact with other children at the setting in any case? So I think you are being a bit OTT regarding the germ aspect.
Is the five year old being rough, could he genuinely harm your baby?

I think you can only keep showing your friend’s child how to interact with the baby, either that or have less to do with your friend (which would be a shame).

Is this your first baby? I think you might be being a bit overprotective but you can’t help how you feel. Its natural to worry.

birdglasspen · 02/11/2021 04:20

Try saying baby really likes it when you hold his hand. Baby doesn’t like face being touched. When he holds hands say baby really likes you he loves having his hand held...or toes tickled, keep saying it and eventually he’ll get the message? Maybe try and involve him either getting stuff for nappy change, picking out baby outfit or showing baby toys and books, it may take a while, keep redirecting him away from babies face to something you are happy with him doing.

Anycolourwilldo · 02/11/2021 04:32

Honestly? I think you're being over protective.

Original poster
Sam020 · 02/11/2021 04:35

Well, he picks his nose and covid is ripping through that school and their class. yes, his main exposure is through ds but I'd like to minimise the risk if I can. I've resigned myself that ds (and possibly us) will get COVID at some point (through the school) but I'm hoping it will be when the baby is a bit older. I'm not too keen on other viruses either. dB has just had a bad cold and it wasn't fun.

He isn't very rough but he's also not very gentle. He wakes the baby every day at pick up, which means I've got then a crying baby to deal with on the way home but I can live with that.

The other problem is that it upsets ds who feels that his baby sister is getting mishandled (and who probably just feels a bit possessive as well).

The baby doesn't go to childcare. This happens at my son's school and when we socialise with our friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sam020 · 02/11/2021 04:37

Yup, have tried all of that. No success. :-(

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 02/11/2021 04:38

This would bother me, too.

MadameMonk · 02/11/2021 05:01

I’d be picking up the baby out of arms reach until the boy (or his parents) get the picture. I’ve found that tone of voice is everything in these situations: either a bland sort of phrase in a firm mamma-bear tone (‘nope Tommy, no one touches the baby’s head, remember?) or a quite explicit phrase in a calm smiley tone (C’mon Tommy, I know you remember the rule about touching, we’ve been over it every day recently. It would be sad if you had to stop coming/being near the pram/etc’.

I don’t think you’re being precious at all, by the way. I’d likely be having a seperate chat with the parents. Blame your anxiety if you must, but get it said. Ask them what actions (taking his hand away) and phrases they’d be comfortable with you using.

Mummamama · 02/11/2021 05:02

If baby is getting woken by him i'd say a quick 'oh, no baby is sleeping please don't touch her you'll wake her' soon as you see him coming near. Surely thats enough for his parent to then step in if he tries a second time? You could use the sleeping as an excuse not to touch

Pancakeorcrepe · 02/11/2021 05:04

Could you peg a big muslin cloth over the pram just for that bit, so he won’t see the baby and be less tempted? The other option is to take the baby in a sling but I get that’s not very practical on the school run.

PippaPug · 02/11/2021 05:06

Can you put baby in a sling so he can't touch her? Xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2021 05:23

@Mummamama

If baby is getting woken by him i'd say a quick 'oh, no baby is sleeping please don't touch her you'll wake her' soon as you see him coming near. Surely thats enough for his parent to then step in if he tries a second time? You could use the sleeping as an excuse not to touch
This. Start creating boundaries for your baby. I thought at first you were being a bit unreasonable as kids like to touch. But this is way past acceptable behaviour and the 5 yo needs to learn that babies are people in their own right.
Genevie82 · 02/11/2021 05:42

Hi OP, yes some kids are like this ,I think at his age its abit of a control thing and really annoying to watch as a parent. Think you should should make a big deal of saying shhh baby’s sleeping don’t wake the minute you meet him and more importantly his parents - surely most parents understand this rule!! When touching starts up just pick baby up and say that’s really lovely xxx but baby’s feeling abit grumpy today I think they want left alone .. it’s normally an irritating phase that passes with kids. Your friends properly just see it as affection and think its great🤣

EatYourVegetables · 02/11/2021 06:02

That would bother me too. A 5 yo should be able to understand when he is told not to. Though remember that if you say to a 5 yo “Do not do ABC” in 2 minutes he will only remember “ABC”. Try telling him what to do instead of what not to “Baby likes a toy rattled like this, or you can tickle her toes like this” etc.

rrhuth · 02/11/2021 06:08

This would bother me too.

The child needs to keep his hands to himself.

Can you be more direct e.g. 'please don't touch the baby, they are sleeping'?

Capferret · 02/11/2021 06:09

He shouldn’t be waking the baby, could you use a sling?
When my dd was little there was a 6 year old and every toddler in the playground was scared of her as she wanted to play with all the babies.
My dd was in a big old silver cross pram and she couldn’t easily get to her.
The dm ought to stop this dc but if he’s anything like Clara it will be difficult.

Offmyfence · 02/11/2021 06:10

YABU apart from the waking up.

Does your DS not touch the baby? He's likely to have the same germs as the other child.

Ijustreallywantacat · 02/11/2021 06:12

I also think you're being OTT. It's not good for the immune system to sanitise everything and constantly worry about germs.

Ijustreallywantacat · 02/11/2021 06:13

I cam see what you mean if the baby is sleeping though.

thewhatsit · 02/11/2021 06:14

The waking up bit would be the bit that was bothering me. Just say “not now, the baby is sleeping.”
The soft spots bit and germs bit I don’t have an issue with.

UnsuitableHat · 02/11/2021 06:16

What would happen if you just said 'please don't touch the baby' (no need to mention germs - you just don't want baby woken up or bothered). What would happen if you asked the child's parent to reinforce this?

Wagglerock · 02/11/2021 06:18

I think you're being OTT but if you don't want him to touch the baby then you need to enforce that boundary - baby in sling, or full rain cover over buggy, be firm in saying no touching, be in rush to get home. Can you talk to your friend and explain your concerns?

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 02/11/2021 06:19

Put the rain cover on even if it's only vaguely grey?

Sackofnickles · 02/11/2021 06:19

@Offmyfence

YABU apart from the waking up.

Does your DS not touch the baby? He's likely to have the same germs as the other child.

This is a valid point op. Does your son thoroughly sanitise his hands every time he touches the baby?

I think you're being a bit ott and I have a baby the same age.

Orchidflower1 · 02/11/2021 06:24

@MadameMonk

I’d be picking up the baby out of arms reach until the boy (or his parents) get the picture. I’ve found that tone of voice is everything in these situations: either a bland sort of phrase in a firm mamma-bear tone (‘nope Tommy, no one touches the baby’s head, remember?) or a quite explicit phrase in a calm smiley tone (C’mon Tommy, I know you remember the rule about touching, we’ve been over it every day recently. It would be sad if you had to stop coming/being near the pram/etc’.

I don’t think you’re being precious at all, by the way. I’d likely be having a seperate chat with the parents. Blame your anxiety if you must, but get it said. Ask them what actions (taking his hand away) and phrases they’d be comfortable with you using.

This totally @Sam020 - also do you need to see them every weekend? If the boy is seeing you that regularly, he obviously feels some ownership/ connection/ interest in the baby.