Friend's child keeps touching baby's face and head

[Sam020]

I've got a 3 month old baby. Every time I meet our friend's 5 year old son he gets very excited to see the baby and among other things (that I can live with) he always touches the baby's head and face. I'm worried about the baby's soft spots and about germs being transferred to his mouth and nose, especially now during the Pandemic.

First of all is this a reasonable worry or should I just ignore it? I feel a bit bad about getting annoyed about it as I think he just gets really excited and wants to play with the baby.

Second, how do I get him to stop? I've asked him not to do that. I've showed him how to play with the baby instead. I have explained to him about the soft spots and germs, etc. I've tried giving him hand sanitizer before touching the baby but he doesn't thoroughly sanitise his hands. I don't want to tell him off because he's not our child and frankly because I don't want to upset our friends (his parents) and they have helped us a lot this year. We meet them a lot as my son and he are in the same class so this happens every day at pick up. And we also usually meet them on the weekends.

Any thoughts?

I've asked him to wash his hands first and so he does (only after school or coming in from outside...not every time he wants to touch him).

Use a sunshade to keep him off after school then a rain cover further into winter. I would definitely be a bit more assertive if he’s waking her up. Say please don’t touch her when she’s sleeping? Where are the parents in all of this?

I would just ask my friend to stop her child doing this. He's 5 not 2 so should be able to do as he's told! My 4 year old neice has been told she can't touch my baby and has been able to follow this rule no problem.

Can you start putting baby in a carrier for the school run where she's out of reach? People tend to touch babies a lot less when they're in a carrier than a pushchair.

What would happen if you said, please don't touch him now, he's sleeping and it wakes him up?
I find most 5 year old respond ok to a kind but firm request from a parent who isn't one of theirs!

It's freezing here today so a raincover would hemp keep the baby snuggly and hands off. Perfect solution

I used to hate this and others roughing my babies hands as they would then suck it.

If a good friend I would mention it to their mum, could try and make it a joke and be like ah I’m sorry sorry to sound neurotic but please can… especially since we are in a pandemic

Thus would get on my every nerve.
Agree with pps about having a cover on the pram and being firm about not waking him: we don't wake baby Tommy bc it makes him sad and grumpy.
Also I never allowed my kids to touch babies face or head. I would say: stroke his soft hands or rub his warm tummy...
I would also have a word with your friend about it. Just say you feel anxious about germs. It's totally reasonable with such a young baby.
Maybe bring something with you at pick up to distract from the baby.... look at these acorns shall we look for more etc....

The waking baby up would bother me. So I would say to his mum, "DBaby often asleep in her pram and your DS wakes her, which makes her grouchy later. Can you stop him touching please"

Then I'd physically step in between him when he came over and say, "No touching... sssshhh she's asleep. Be kind and quiet ssshhh" to boy.

For the other poking- if you don't like it, you can step in. I wasn't precious about my DCs at all but health problems including severe allergy so pokey fingers weren't welcome.

You can use arm to put carrier up "No, don't touch" , you can move hands reaching out to faces and say "She doesn't like that" "We don't touch heads/ faces (with dirty hands)" whatever you feel you need to
I'm a big fan of "Look but don't touch" "Don't poke her" "She likes watching, no need to touch, she can see you"

It's not a friendship issue between you and your friend, it's a you don't like her son poking at your baby's face and neither does her DBro. You have every right to step in whether other people think is reasonable or nor, it's your DD not theirs.

Carry your baby?

The thing that would bother me is waking the baby up. A firm "don't touch X, they're sleeping and it's not kind to wake them. You can play next time". Say clearly in front of friend and address it with her too "X gets really upset when she's woken up so we need to let them sleep". With regards to other times he touches the baby, if you don't like it just say again firmly "don't touch her face, go and see mummy please".

I can't believe he ignores a hard eye-contact stare and a firm "DON'T TOUCH THE BABY". Are you being clear? What adult is with the child when he does this? Tell that person that he needs to stop touching baby. Say you have made rules about this for your own older DS and it is unfair on him if his friend is breaking those.

Or, sling, or hide the baby under a pegged muslin like a PP said! or a rain cover!

I understand you exactly Op, my friend's three year old would obsessively poke at my baby's face when we saw them. It wound me up immensely and was not the same as a kid just being friendly/curious. She would do pretty much nothing else while the baby was accessible. Lockdown put a stop to it and dd is a toddler now. The fascination is all gone and it's no longer an issue.
In the meantime I recommend a sturdy sling to keep baby out of reach.

Have you asked him not to? Especially when the baby is sleeping? I wouldn’t mind the touching etc so much but what 5 year old doesn’t know not to wake a sleeping baby?

The waking up of the baby would irritate me, that’s the bit I would hate and definitely would say to five year old AND his mother - please don’t wake the baby up, don’t touch when asleep.

Yes, I tell him every time but he just ignores me or tells me "but I want to". If his parents notice they tell him too but he ignores them as well. If I told them that I really mind then I'm sure they would be stricter with him but I don't really want to raise the issue with them if I can avoid it. I think they would feel bad, they've been very helpful to us recently and they are always very sweet to our ds. And also, I'm myself not sure if I'm not being ott or unreasonable to mind so much

I don't mind so much him waking up the baby as that's easily done and something else might wake her anyway. He doesn't wake her on purpose but it usually happens when he touches her (or bangs the pram around ...).

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. I can't wear a sling for various reasons but that would have been the perfect solution.

@OhMyCrump

What would happen if you said, please don't touch him now, he's sleeping and it wakes him up? I find most 5 year old respond ok to a kind but firm request from a parent who isn't one of theirs!

He ignores it or just says "but I want to". :-(

If he ignores you or says he wants to, you are going to need to be harsher with him. Either that or you will have to raise it with the parents. You are being too much of a pushover with him.

You are not being unreasonable and need to be firmer with him AND his parents. Grow a backbone and protect your baby!

He ignores it or just says "but I want to". :-(

You need to firmly say no, and if necessary gently move his hand out of the pram.
This can all be done kindly but you need to be firm.

I don’t think it matters whether you’re being overprotective or not. It’s your baby and your decision.

To stop him I’d be a little firmer. You don’t have to tell him off but a clear “no, baby doesn’t want her face touched thank you” could work.

If that doesn’t work and his parents don’t take the hint, ask them politely to stop him.

Yes, I tell him every time but he just ignores me or tells me "but I want to". If his parents notice they tell him too but he ignores them as well. If I told them that I really mind then I'm sure they would be stricter with him but I don't really want to raise the issue with them if I can avoid it

The thing is OP you do mind.
You just don't trust your friends will listen to your wishes and that's sad.
Your not hurting their DS in any way, you're just stepping in for your DBaby who gets grouchy when woken up; and has her face and head poked which you'd don't like.

I'd be quite upset as a friend if you couldn't say that to me. It's not personal to their DS, it's that you don't want anyone doing it and don't let your DS do it to DBaby either.

You may need to speak in a stern voice, and if he does touch your db anyways, not allow him to go near db again.

I would not like it, COVID or not.

Apart from the fact it wakes the baby and you are worried about hygiene, you and the other parents allowing him to cross your boundaries and treat another human being as a toy to touch and prod as he wishes "because he wants to", is setting a really unfortunate precedent. I would be coming down hard on this and too bad if the other parents felt uncomfortable about it. They should be enforcing boundaries, but if they won't, you need to. I couldn't personally go on socialising with a 5 year old who ignored my instructions and wasn't pulled up on it by their parents when refusing to follow rules around safe and considerate behaviour to my family.

and if he wants to jump off a cliff, or play with a firework is that ok?
You need to say look, sorry, no- that’s enough and remove his hand. I would say to the parents, look can you have a word as everyone knows, you don’t wake a sleeping baby. (Big grin obviously).