to wish people wouldnt say "Try not to worry" about something that would worry anyone?!

PyongyangKipperbang · 2021-11-01T22:58:06+00:00

Had an urgent C word referral. Obviously shitting myself. Only 4 people know, parents, sister and boyfriend. All bar my sister have said "Oh try not to worry". WHY?! Of course I am going to worry, my mother was beside herself when she had a referral about 12 years ago (came back ok thank goodness). I know they care and I know that they dont want me to wind myself up over something that is statistically unlikely but come on! Oh and my sister hasnt said it because she knows me better than anyone in the world and wouldnt want me to say that to her either. She has called me a fucking drama queen and she is sick of my excuses to avoid hosting Xmas :o

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 01/11/2021 23:03

I like your sister!

Sorry to hear it OP and I understand exactly what you mean. You dont want tears and dramatics but a bit of acknowledgement of the seriousness of the situation, wouldn't go amiss.

It can come over as almost uncaring, yet like you say when its them they are fearful.

user1471453601 · 01/11/2021 23:12

Well, apart from the fact your final para is a bit contradictory, the reason I don't worry is because it may not happen, and I don't believe in meeting trouble half way.

Easy for me to say, I guess. But recently I was told I had a "small tumour" in my brain. Because I was abroad at the time, I couldn't get this verified for five weeks. Turns out it's a very small cyst. No need no worry.

If I'd been worried, i would have worried for those weeks for no reason at all.

I've had cancer three times now, and I think I've learned the art of waiting until I get all the possible information before I decide how to react.

Good luck with your diagnosis

LilyTheMink · 01/11/2021 23:13

Impossible not to worry of course.

ASeriesOfTubes · 01/11/2021 23:14

Especially when they are the actual doctor.

Not the c-word in my case but potentially life-changing. Results came back fine. Hope you're OK too, OP.

pigsDOfly · 01/11/2021 23:16

People feel they need to say something and, as pointless as it is say 'try not to worry', it's what people say when they're trying to offer the only words of comfort they can.

Of course they know you'll worry. I don't doubt they're worrying about you as well.

Heartofglass12345 · 01/11/2021 23:17

I think people aren't sure what to say in these situations.
It's like when someone loses someone close to them it drives me mad when people say things like 'stay strong', I think that's one of the times in your life where it's absolutely ok to not stay strong!
Hopefully it will be good news and not take too long!

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2021 23:26

Well, apart from the fact your final para is a bit contradictory,

Do you mean what my sister said? Thats how I know she cares and how I know she knows I am worried. I would do exactly the same for her. When she had a bad abscess after internal surgery that made her very ill and lose weight I pointed out that normal people got to slimming world and she was a lazy cow. She told me off because it hurt when she laughed.

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Confusedmeanderings · 02/11/2021 01:09

I think the relationship with your sister sounds great! I know what you mean though about people saying don't worry. I've just received a breast cancer diagnosis. My husband is an absolute dear, but if he asks me one more time if I am ok and do I need a hug, I swear I'll throttle him! I'll manage to stick the worry at the back of my head and to start feeling OK and then he bloody reminds me by asking!

TrevorFountain · 02/11/2021 01:19

It is indeed an expression that I dislike intensely.

ClaryFairchild · 02/11/2021 01:25

I find that when I have something to worry about, I prefer to address the worst case scenario and work out how I would deal with it. I can then stop worrying about it until I know whether what I have to worry about is or isn't going to happen, because I'm as ready as I can be to "face the worst".

Bloodybridget · 02/11/2021 01:34

YANBU, it's silly and pointless to say that.

Bloodybridget · 02/11/2021 01:35

Oh and OP, good luck - hoping for the best possible news for you.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 01:46

@Confusedmeanderings

I think the relationship with your sister sounds great! I know what you mean though about people saying don't worry. I've just received a breast cancer diagnosis. My husband is an absolute dear, but if he asks me one more time if I am ok and do I need a hug, I swear I'll throttle him! I'll manage to stick the worry at the back of my head and to start feeling OK and then he bloody reminds me by asking!

As much as I hope that your treatment and recovery goes well, the worst bit of your post was the "are you ok?". Worse still if it comes with a tilted head and a pat on the arm.

"Well I WAS!!! Thank you wank stain, now I am thinking about it again!"

But then you feel like a heel because it comes from love.....being a hard faced bitch does have its downsides doesnt it?! :o

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PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 01:48

@ClaryFairchild

I find that when I have something to worry about, I prefer to address the worst case scenario and work out how I would deal with it. I can then stop worrying about it until I know whether what I have to worry about is or isn't going to happen, because I'm as ready as I can be to "face the worst".

Me too.

Plan for the worst (sort of got a plan together already) and hope for the best. Because I cannot bear the idea of being dropped into a situation that serious and feeling out of control with no clear path.

Of course I have no idea in terms of medical stuff but I can plan for me and the kids and the house and work etc. It actually makes me feel safer. My ex was very much "Dont meet trouble half way" but then would panic when the worst happened. I prefer our way!.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 01:52

Thanks for the best wishes, I'll keep you informed :)

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Spartak · 02/11/2021 01:59

I had a diagnosis last year, which required major surgery with 2 days notice and there was a fair chance that I wouldn't survive it. Everyone had thought it was long Covid for the previous three months.

My brain sort of switched off to it all. I was surprisingly calm, and I wasn't going to spend my potentially last full day on the planet stressing about an outcome that I had no control over.

It didn't stop well meaning people from telling me not to worry though 🙄 I was quite grateful in the end that the pandemic meant no visitors and I could turn my phone off too.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 02:10

I wonder if its a case of "I am worried and I wish I wasnt so if you are not worried then that means I dont have to worry either so.....try not to worry"

I realise that that sentence didnt make much sense but I know what I mean! They maybe need me to be all blase and "Oh it'll be fine" in order to convince themselves that it will be.

Does that make sense?

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Bloodybridget · 02/11/2021 02:20

Makes absolute sense, I think there's definitely an element of that - "I don't want to worry about this, so I'll tell you not to". There's a lot of self-protecting fake reassurance thrown at cancer patients (and anyone else with a serious medical condition). Also suggests "I don't want you to talk about it". Can you guess I've been there, ha ha?

MintJulia · 02/11/2021 02:49

I've found it's better not to tell anyone.

Four people know about mine. My boss keeps asking me if I'm ok, and two others seem to think they know how I feel and what the outcome will be, and how I will feel when that outcome, which is not certain at all, happens.

They mean well but I wish they would all shut up.

The best one asked me if I needed taking in to hospital, offered to do school run for me post-op and then changed the subject.

HeartvsBrain · 02/11/2021 03:00

@pigsDOfly

People feel they need to say something and, as pointless as it is say 'try not to worry', it's what people say when they're trying to offer the only words of comfort they can.

Of course they know you'll worry. I don't doubt they're worrying about you as well.

This. Absolutely This.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 03:07

Its funny really because I am now wondering if I have ever been that person who has led to someone thinking "Oh just STFU you fatuous arse!" I have no doubt that I have been :o

Ah well.....at least now I know better!

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HeartvsBrain · 02/11/2021 03:09

@PyongyangKipperbang

I wonder if its a case of "I am worried and I wish I wasnt so if you are not worried then that means I dont have to worry either so.....try not to worry"

I realise that that sentence didnt make much sense but I know what I mean! They maybe need me to be all blase and "Oh it'll be fine" in order to convince themselves that it will be.

Does that make sense?

That is not why I would say "try not to worry". I would say it for the same reason a previous poster I quoted would say it.//

If having a negative attitude at the moment about other peoples reasoning is helping you cope, then good, anything that helps... but I do hope that your cynical attitude does not last too long, from experience I can say that it is actually unhelpful in the long rung.//

I very much hope that you don"t have "the C word" as you like to refer to it, as it would of course be very worrying.

Anycolourwilldo · 02/11/2021 03:15

Yes but it's better to say something instead of nothing right? Also, most people are rubbish with words. Sounds like she just wants to say something nice even if she's clumsy with it.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 03:20

I do hope that your cynical attitude does not last too long

You call it a cynical attitude, I call it .....being me!

I laugh at absurdity and question things that a lot of people seem to simply accept such as for example, saying "try not to worry" at a situation that deserves worry. It was once said to me by a police call handler when my then teenage son (now 31 and fine) did a disappearing act. I had gone through the whole "who is his dentist, do you have a recent photo" thing which put possibilities in my head that had never been there. And I remember thinking "Well I was worried but since talking to you, I am now fucking terrified!".

And by the way....I am sure you are trying to be kind but that does come across as quite patronising. But thank you :)

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PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2021 03:22

@Anycolourwilldo

Yes but it's better to say something instead of nothing right? Also, most people are rubbish with words. Sounds like she just wants to say something nice even if she's clumsy with it.

Yeah I know.

I just need to think about something else I supppose.

That and I am a nit picky arsehole!

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