to wish people wouldnt say "Try not to worry" about something that would worry anyone?!

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Had an urgent C word referral.

Obviously shitting myself.

Only 4 people know, parents, sister and boyfriend. All bar my sister have said "Oh try not to worry". WHY?! Of course I am going to worry, my mother was beside herself when she had a referral about 12 years ago (came back ok thank goodness).

I know they care and I know that they dont want me to wind myself up over something that is statistically unlikely but come on!

Oh and my sister hasnt said it because she knows me better than anyone in the world and wouldnt want me to say that to her either. She has called me a fucking drama queen and she is sick of my excuses to avoid hosting Xmas :o

Hey Op

I think we are in the same position. I was just starting to look for a job, after 9 years of being unemployed, when I told my sister, her response, was christ, your body needs to be medically researched if this is the response it gives to you finding a job.

Nothing as bad as it sounds, but just the sort of humour I needed to hear, when you deal with this shit thrown at you

I wouldn’t use the phrase myself and completely see your point about it, but people sometimes don’t know what to say and that’s one of the things that pops out. The intention is probably to be kind rather than to control or dismiss your feelings. I think you’re right that sometimes it’s also a way to gauge how worried THEY need to be. I guess if you can give people a break for saying the ‘wrong’ thing, do so, but look after yourself first and foremost.

When my dad was dying of lung cancer I suggested we could get him a bag of babybels as a lifetime supply of cheese. Gallows humour is how my family deal with stuff so totally with your sister!

On a serious note, I know people are just trying to make you feel more positive but it is frustrating to be told not to worry. I worry about things almost as an insurance policy. I feel like if I'm blasé and assume everything will be fine then I'm tempting fate and the worst will happen. If I worry about the most terrible outcome then I'm almost protected from it. I know that's a bit odd but hope all is well for you.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I do hope that your cynical attitude does not last too long

You call it a cynical attitude, I call it .....being me!

I laugh at absurdity and question things that a lot of people seem to simply accept such as for example, saying "try not to worry" at a situation that deserves worry. It was once said to me by a police call handler when my then teenage son (now 31 and fine) did a disappearing act. I had gone through the whole "who is his dentist, do you have a recent photo" thing which put possibilities in my head that had never been there. And I remember thinking "Well I was worried but since talking to you, I am now fucking terrified!".

And by the way....I am sure you are trying to be kind but that does come across as quite patronising. But thank you :)

See Pyongyangkipperbang (gosh your name takes me back a bit!)//

See, I sounded patronising, and I really didn't mean to, it would have been much easier for me, and probably much better for you, if I had just said
"Try not to worry"!!//

I had a C word scare a few years ago, and absolutely convinced myself that my mammogram must have shown up a tumour that would turn out to be very aggressive, and I wouldn't stand a chance of surviving it. They did some much more precise tests during my next appointment, and luckily for me the consultant was able to reassure me that it was nothing serious - maybe something to do with one of my milk glands, I really can't remember. But I wished afterwards that I hadn't spent the last 5 days convincing myself I was going to die from it, and very soon. I had only told my immediate family about it beforehand, and I managed to convince my (adult) children that I wasn't worried anyway, as the vast majority of call backs are found to be nothing serious.//

I had another scare at the beginning of this year, which turned out to be a large ovarian cyst. I still have it, as apparently I am too fat for them to operate on it 🙄 They said that my something markers (I really do have a terrible memory 😂) are very low, so it is extremely unlikely that it is the C word - at the moment. I am supposed to have blood tests every 4 months to keep an eye on it, but since my last blood test we have moved and changed health authorities, and my new GP surgery hasn't got my records from my last practice yet, and that was over 3 months ago now.//

Since the start of Covid 19 last year, I have spent so many months worried sick that either I would get it - I am CEV, through other diseases, not just by me being overweight - or one of my loved ones would, that I am exhausted from worrying so much, and I just can't get enough energy to over worry about my cyst!//

I think I had better confess to you that since my menopause (which I was extremely lucky with in the lack of physical symptoms) I have become very cynical, I hardly believe anything that happens on social media, I have no faith in any politicians anymore, and very little faith in the police these days. But I know that my cynicism just depresses me even more, so I suppose that I hoped you could stop being cynical and therefore not become trapped in that particular vicious circle. Please, for your sake, if you can give people the benefit of the doubt (not in all things - you would get walked all over, God, see, I am being cynical again 😈 - I am so cross with myself) please do, I hate me being cynical, and don't wish it on anybody else. Am I being patronising again? I truly hope not 😔//

I really hope you get good news very soon, and if you (understandably) can't stop worrying, at least try to be kind to yourself, rest when you can, listen to your favourite music, watch an entertaining film, and have something a bit naughty to eat - like your favourite chocolates, but don't overindulge, as if you are anything like me you will just feel worse about yourself afterwards for submitting to temptation. 💐

My paragraphs didn't work again this time 👺👺👺

It's it a phrase I'd use personally but I wouldn't be offended if someone said it to me. Once upon a time I worried about all sorts of things I had no control over but I don't anymore, it was just too exhausting and even when I'd planned for every eventually to give myself some sense of control things rarely turned out the way I expected.

My urgent referral was sent yesterday, I've mentioned it to one friend who didn't tell me not to worry because they know I'm not worried. They would also know if I was worried I would say so. My symptoms can be caused by many things apart from cancer but even if it turns out to be cancer I can't do anything about that at that moment so I'll wait and see.

Hope the problem which triggered the referral turns out to be nothing serious.

I do know what you mean, OP, but IMO it is unfortunately just one of those platitudes that people use when they want to show you they're thinking of you and care about you.
Unless the relationship is very close and familiar, like you and your sister's (which sounds a bit like the way my sis and I handle anything difficult), it's often the only thing people can think of or feel is 'OK' to say.

Anyway, having said that, best wishes and do keep us informed.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I wonder if its a case of "I am worried and I wish I wasnt so if you are not worried then that means I dont have to worry either so.....try not to worry"

I realise that that sentence didnt make much sense but I know what I mean! They maybe need me to be all blase and "Oh it'll be fine" in order to convince themselves that it will be.

Does that make sense?

I've often read it as saying "Don't rain on MY parade, you inconvenient ill person, and for goodness sake don't actually mention it or make any demands on me; just hush, there. Oh, and aren't I soothing and great?"

My go to response to this sort of news is usually along the lines of "god that's crap. How are you coping? Is there anything I can do to help? Shoulder to cry on? Drinking partner? Supplier of plates for you to smash against the wall?"

I hate the phrase try not to worry - because in my case, I didn't have time to worry. My cancer diagnosis slammed into me out of the blue and then I got another one 10 days later which sneaked in from nowhere.

I also hate the head tilts, the you're so strong and stay positive. I have got through this so far with black humour and sarcasm.

In fact I offered to collect the money for next spring's rugby tour because I said I could make people pay up quicker if I point out that I might be dead soon.
I use "I do have cancer you know" as an excuse for everything from wanting something shiny and pretty to not loading the dishwasher.

@MrsPnut I like your style. As a very newly diagnosed person, I am taking notes!!