To tell the truth?

[TurnUpTurnip]

My children’s father isn’t involved at all and has seen them a handful of times since we split up 5 years ago (in 5 years he has never had them for more than a few hours or even over night his choice) he hasn’t bothered with them since January and the last we heard from him he made it clear he didn’t want to be involved anymore and told me to “only contact him if it’s an emergency” which I have no intention of doing, anyway obviously kids ask questions and I want to be honest with them about why he isn’t around as I don’t want them to idolise him and build up a picture of him in their heads, I always don’t want him coming back in the future trying to twist things, aibu to be truthful when they ask?

It all depends on what you intend to tell your DC.
How would you word it to them?

I think it depends on their ages.

Obviously I wouldn’t tell them it’s their fault of anything just be clear on the reasons he is not around because he doesn’t want to be and told me not to contact him, (he went into a lot more detail about how he doesn’t responsibility for them and never will etc) rather than lies like he just isn’t able to, working away, busy etc

I would be as gracious as I could with the truth. It's a horrendous position to be in, through no fault of your own, but if I could find a version of the truth that helps them feel thier father didn't totally abandon them for no reason, I would use it.

Sadly some people aren't up to the job of being a parent....
Enough said...

How old are they? I think the truth is generally the best course of action but appropriate to age and the child.

But I worry with that he could come back and say your mum wouldn’t let me, I tried etc? I had a friend this happened to and the child believed every word of it (I knew for sure it wasn’t true but the child doesn’t believe his mum and believes the dad)

He told me that loads of men don’t see their kids so why should he and that I only want him to see them because I have no family

Can you get something out of him in writing that you can show the kids later if they challenge your version of events?

I was advised to be truthful with a child in a complex situation once, not vitriolic or critical just honest.

So you would say something like 'I don't know why he can't be around but he asked me not to contact him'.

My dd's df came back after 20 years!! First thing she told him was not to bother blaming me for him not seeing her... He walked away when she was 2. Tried to blag his way back at 7...he claimed her had searched for 20 years... His db found her in 2o mins via fb!! Dc aren't daft op.

It needs to be age appropriate - children will immediately blame themselves, and it could really do them some long term damage. Have a good think about what is best to actually tell them for their own benefit.

I still have the texts and emails so definitely have evidence of it

How did he tell you he wasn’t interested? Phone? Text? Email?

I think their ages matter.

@RedCarsGoFaster

It needs to be age appropriate - children will immediately blame themselves, and it could really do them some long term damage. Have a good think about what is best to actually tell them for their own benefit.

I was advised to say 'can't' not won't. Not as an excuse, just they have said they can't do that. When they are older the kids do know that 'can't' means 'for some unfathomable reason they made a shit choice' rather than 'they were doing something heroic for their country'.

Tricky. I'd speak to a child psychologist or similar to get the wording right and help to deal with any fall out. Ask your GP or social worker for a referral.

You will only get one chance at pitching this without damage.

You definitely don't want to give them hope, or for them to feel they are in any way responsible for his absence.

What a prick he is though, you're well rid.

I think it does depend on their ages

Fwiw I never met my dad - he decided I wasn’t his and my mum wasn’t chasing him.

She was honest about him not wanting to be a dad from very early but always told me if I wanted to meet him she’d help me.

I’m curious but frankly he can’t add to my life and having had children, the idea you could just shrug and shirk your responsibility is disgusting to me.

Please be careful. Your children are tender things and it's never a good idea to say anything bad about the absent parent (even if he's a total c*).

I was in the same position as you. I used to say things like "yes it's a shame isn't it but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you". (Really important that kids don't feel rejected/unloved, even by a deadbeat absent arsehole.)

If they ask about him, perhaps a big cuddle and ask them about their feelings. Are they feeling sad or worried? Acknowledge their feelings and let them know they can always talk to you. Maybe say that you (ie you and your children) are a special family because you love each other and reassure them that you will always be there for them.

When mine grew up they decided they didn't want to have anything to do with him. Hadn't seen him since they were little. He never contributed so much as a penny in child support. They had made up their own minds years ago.

Tbh like I said my friend had the absolute opposite and her son now lives with his dad after his dad came back when he was a teen and all the hard work was done and turned him against his mum so I’m conscious of that happening, he even openly admitted that he done it for the benefits (he isn’t working and in loads of debt apparently whereas my friend has a good job)

They are 10 9 7 and 4 (he left when I was pregnant)

Well it’s not my fault he turned up to be a bad father 😒

Out*

@NataliaSerene

If you do, also explain that you did a terrible job of choosing a father for them.

I think you should protect them from this very ugly truth of being unwanted by one of their parents.

You should be ashamed of yourself for posting this.

The OP is not responsible for the actions of the other party, as you presumably well understand.

I tell my kids that if I could change one thing I would pick them a better father

he tried to tell them they were unwanted I laughed they stared I said oh I thought you were joking? Well who do you live with? Who takes care of you? If he really wanted to see you why doesn't he? I literally turn you over to see him whenever he turns up im the one living with you taking all your troubles handling them (sometimes badly but im not perfect) so who is stopping who from seeing you? I've had years of him picking them up and dropping them at his convenience my son has smashed my house up several times in emotional outbursts because of this we now have a deal if he doesn't want to see his dad I don't make him if his dad won't see him he doesn't take it out on me (or my house)

Its hard on children bit it gets better the older they get through more you can say

No real words of advice OP, just didn't want to read and run. What a great mum you are, must be v difficult bringing up 4 alone. You should be proud of yourself