To tell the truth?

[TurnUpTurnip]

My children’s father isn’t involved at all and has seen them a handful of times since we split up 5 years ago (in 5 years he has never had them for more than a few hours or even over night his choice) he hasn’t bothered with them since January and the last we heard from him he made it clear he didn’t want to be involved anymore and told me to “only contact him if it’s an emergency” which I have no intention of doing, anyway obviously kids ask questions and I want to be honest with them about why he isn’t around as I don’t want them to idolise him and build up a picture of him in their heads, I always don’t want him coming back in the future trying to twist things, aibu to be truthful when they ask?

I’m not sure I’d volunteer the information that he loves them as it feels a little too close to a lie instead I’d just reiterate if asked that they are wonderful and loving children and who could resist loving them. The advice I’ve always been given is to be factual but age appropriate so something along the lines of apologising to them because you know that it sucks but right now daddy can’t look after them or be here and you really hope it changes in the future. Often with the little ones you can distract them by asking what they would want to tell him if he was there and getting them to write about it or draw it. It’s tougher for the 10 year old though and there’s not much you can do but sit with him/her and their feelings.

I would say your father loves you very much, but he's not very good at being a dad and doing dad things. Grown ups don't always know how to do the right thing and they can hurt others with their actions.

I'd leave out the lie that he loves them very much (as he clearly doesn't) and just stick to..........
he's not very good at being a dad and doing dad things. Grown ups don't always know how to do the right thing and they can hurt others with their actions
Then point out how many people do love them especially you.

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That’s the thing I don’t think he does love them I’m afraid, I said to him he should be building a relationship with them and he said “I have no relationship with them” these are his children, I find him very sad and cold towards them. He’s never seen them without me (never wanted to take them, would only see them if it could be at my house) I think the trouble is he doesn’t love them hence his behaviour

No do not tell them the full truth.

All children hold on to the fact that their parents love them, no matter how bad and abusive they might be or even if they’re in foster care.
To say to a child that their parent doesn’t want to see them and imply that they’re not loved will crush them and impact their entire lives.

They will figure out soon enough who is the person that is there for them everyday and who isn’t.

You don’t need to lie and say he’s the greatest thing ever but until they’re a bit older I wouldn’t be too honest with them.

I did this with my DD.
I have never slagged her dad off and never made out like she wasn’t wanted. I said if she ever wanted to have a relationship with him in the future I would always be happy and try and make that happen.
She recently met him again and he said to her that I’d stopped him from seeing her and that everything i’d said about him was a lie. She told him I’d never said anything horrible about him and that I said she could see him anytime she wanted - he had nothing to say to that as he wanted to make me out as the bad guy and because his plan didn’t work he stopped speaking to her again. She doesn’t want a relationship with him.

I know I’m just conscious about what happened to my friend, her son would rather believe his mum kept him from his dad than the truth that he’s dad didn’t bother with him, he now has very little to do with her and blames her for him not having a dad growing up, she tried to explain it to him now he’s older but he won’t believe a word of it!

Lots of people say kids will realise for themselves but lots don’t, lots would rather believe their dad was stopped and couldn’t see them I don’t think many men will admit they just didn’t bother so loads will lie and what would children rather believe? That’s what I’m worried about especially now with the internet where he can contact them when they are older without me knowing

My birth father was/is utterly vile and toxic. My parents split when I was about 3 due to drug abuse (his) and violence (again... His). He ended up in prison until I was about 9. I saw him on his day release/ weekend release occasionally but no one told me that he was in prison. I had no clue.

Despite him being an utter waste of skin my mum NEVER said anything against him. Never argued with him in front of me when he didn't show up to collect me, didn't give me any inclination of how she felt about him at all even though he never paid a penny maintenance and sold himself to me as "fun dad" when he bothered to see me. My mum did all of the things recommended by a lot of posters here about being gentle and supportive for me and basically not saying anything bad about him. I wish she hadn't protected him. Because that's how it felt. When you do finally realise yourself that the person who is supposed to be your parent and love you unconditionally is a vile human being it comes as something of a shock. I felt lied to by them both and that I'd been strung along. I don't know how rational that is but it bloody hurt. It shifted my relationship with my mum because I couldn't understand why she hadn't protected me from him- I'll clarify he never hurt me etc- he's just horrible through and through. He'll never meet my children because he doesn't deserve them and that's how I'd have felt if I'd have been my mum in her position.

I don't know what the answer is with your children or how to broach it to give them the information they need in an age appropriate way. It will still be upsetting to them which is entirely understandable. Keep those messages though. Maybe get a reply from him along the lines of "further to your request that I only contact you about your children in case of emergency- what will class as a contactable emergency". Keep it. Show your children when they are able to understand. Please don't sugar coat him though. He doesn't deserve it. X

@Teaandcakeordeath83

My birth father was/is utterly vile and toxic. My parents split when I was about 3 due to drug abuse (his) and violence (again... His). He ended up in prison until I was about 9. I saw him on his day release/ weekend release occasionally but no one told me that he was in prison. I had no clue.

Despite him being an utter waste of skin my mum NEVER said anything against him. Never argued with him in front of me when he didn't show up to collect me, didn't give me any inclination of how she felt about him at all even though he never paid a penny maintenance and sold himself to me as "fun dad" when he bothered to see me. My mum did all of the things recommended by a lot of posters here about being gentle and supportive for me and basically not saying anything bad about him. I wish she hadn't protected him. Because that's how it felt. When you do finally realise yourself that the person who is supposed to be your parent and love you unconditionally is a vile human being it comes as something of a shock. I felt lied to by them both and that I'd been strung along. I don't know how rational that is but it bloody hurt. It shifted my relationship with my mum because I couldn't understand why she hadn't protected me from him- I'll clarify he never hurt me etc- he's just horrible through and through. He'll never meet my children because he doesn't deserve them and that's how I'd have felt if I'd have been my mum in her position.

I don't know what the answer is with your children or how to broach it to give them the information they need in an age appropriate way. It will still be upsetting to them which is entirely understandable. Keep those messages though. Maybe get a reply from him along the lines of "further to your request that I only contact you about your children in case of emergency- what will class as a contactable emergency". Keep it. Show your children when they are able to understand. Please don't sugar coat him though. He doesn't deserve it. X

Thank you for sharing that, it’s helpful to hear from people who have directly been in the situation. That must have been really hard growing up and I can see why it came as such a shock if it had never been mentioned you can’t really prepare for it. That’s how I see it like I’m protecting him and making excuses for him if I’m not honest. My kids know a few things, the last time he was meant to see them he just kept making up excuses not to come, eventually he was meant to come and see my daughter on her birthday (he asked to) and he just never turned up, no call no text nothing, the children are aware of that.

I think it's hard to find the balance between protecting your kids from his behaviour and telling the truth about it without hurting them more. Like I said I really don't know the answer but kids are a lot more resilient and pragmatic than they get credit for. Essentially what they'll be dealing with is a bereavement- the father they want and deserve doesn't exist and to all intents and purposes is dead. Perhaps look at ways that people broach death with children and tailor it to your situation. There's lots of excellent resources on grief and children from websites such as Winston's wishes. Or the gingerbread charity- I think that's the one set up for lone parents. My stepdad died when my younger siblings were 5+6. The truth was hard but them knowing about his illness and death and all that comes along with it helped them to cope and develop strategies. It's a different scenario but there are enough similarities that some ways of breaking bad news will be transferable.

Best of luck! You sound like an amazing mum and I hope that your children will always see that. X

I would take screen shots if the messages, take the download from WhatsApp and email them to myself and keep it. In the event you need proof you have it.

I have no words of advice but just wanted to say what a fantastic mum you are. When I read how many children you have and their ages, it simultaneously made me smile and brought a lump to my throat. As a pp said, you're a special family, a team and if you keep working together and being there for each other, your kids will be just fine.
I'm glad you have the messages and the pp's suggestion of e mailing him and getting written confirmation of what constitutes an emergency is a good one.