Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men and the pub

32 replies

Vee1983 · 01/11/2021 18:23

First time on here. I just need to vent. I have one child aged 2.5 and another on the way. I work full time (from home since the pandemic) and so does my Partner. He however goes into the office. As such he feels entitled to an hour or so in the pub roughly 3 times a week. Am I being unreasonable in getting pissed off about this? I have no time to myself as I collect my daughter from nursery in my lunch hour and then finish work with her here. Once finished I have housework to do and dinner to prepare while he sits in the pub.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/11/2021 18:29

I used to love going to the pub on a Friday after work! But I wouldn't have gone 3 times a week.

But I think the problem here is that you get no time to yourself. I think you two need to sit down and work out how that can happen.

Whereismumhiding3 · 01/11/2021 18:30

Arrange 3 hours off a week for yourself even if it's 3x 1 hour to pop round to a friends house when DP takes over - and ensure DP shares in parenting tasks after work, housework and cooking . And the mental work of planning

Wfh with a young child at home is tough it's like a double job! And parenting child is also work, albeit it unpaid Smile and often a pleasure if it's shared and you get time off to wind down

Whereismumhiding3 · 01/11/2021 18:32

I'd be wanting to take my lunch break back too - if DP gets an hour lunchbreak at work, and I had to travel in line that's an extra 5x 1 hour in a week! Wink

5128gap · 01/11/2021 18:38

I would think it fair if he went no more than twice and that on the days he didn't he came straight home and took DD so you could do what you wanted after work.

SeaHollyDaiz · 01/11/2021 18:41

I put yanbu, however, have you actually talked to him about it and do you schedule time for yourself out of the house?

Cocomarine · 01/11/2021 18:43

Why are you doing the housework and dinner? Stop being a martyr and a mug.

He goes to the pub - fine, we all deserve a life and presumably that’s socialising with friends from work?

On the days he doesn’t go, he can come in and take toddler, do housework and cook dinner, hey presto: free time for you to what you want with.

Cocomarine · 01/11/2021 18:45

Obviously there’s a million other ways to fairly share out your time - but just pointing out one obvious one. There’s nothing wrong with him going to the pub, as long as he supports your free time too.

Do you start really early in the morning? I’m trying to work out how you can work afternoons and look after a toddler!

Merryoldgoat · 01/11/2021 18:45

You are both reasonable and unreasonable.

Three hours a week is nothing but you should have the same.

Why are you doing all pick ups? How can you work with a nursery aged child around the house?

madisonbridges · 01/11/2021 18:46

Lots of people on MN say that they don't want to work from the office because its more stressful going in and doing the commute. So maybe your husband needs pub time to de-stress?

Original poster
Vee1983 · 01/11/2021 18:50

I start work at 7.20. I do 5 hours, then go pick up my daughter and pray for a nap so I can do the last 2 hours before she wakes up. Doesn't always work. Luckily I have a supportive manager who understands that I sometimes have to catch up in the evening after bed time.
Yes, I know I need to make time for me and I have spoken to my partner about it but there just never seems to be enough time left in the day.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/11/2021 18:53

Can you not put her in childcare for a normal working day? I don’t understand why you’d collect before you’ve actually finished work.

Then you’d have alternate evenings to go out or have some ‘you’ time.

Thinkbiglittleone · 01/11/2021 18:57

It is not unreasonable at all for your DH to want to go to the pub for a few hours a week, but it needs to be the same for you, you need your downtime.

So the discussion is not stopping him going it's enabling you to have time for you.

Original poster
Vee1983 · 01/11/2021 19:13

I can't afford to put her in full-time. That would solve the issue but it's just not feasible financially.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/11/2021 19:53

Is that because you alone are paying for it and he doesn’t contribute? Or because the job doesn’t pay enough?

If your family set up and income is such that with both of you contributing fairly you can’t afford adequate childcare then he needs to start pulling his weight.

Pub 3 times a week when you’re working evenings isn’t acceptable.

Original poster
Vee1983 · 01/11/2021 20:23

We both pay half the bills each and there's just not enough to pay for full time nursery. It's already costing £800 a month. In fairness he pulls his weight when he's here. I just get fed up with spending so much time here on my own with a toddler. I miss the office and having some adult time. I'm sorry for the rant. Just having one of those days.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 01/11/2021 21:24

start arranging an hour out of the house for yourself three times a week.

Practice your puzzled expression in the mirror for when he says "not fair."

FFSFFSFFS · 01/11/2021 21:27

Do you always do the dinner? (And do the laundry etc). I’m why does he get an extra hour of leisure while you have to do the dinner and childcare. At the very least I wouldn’t be cooking him any dinner…but it more gives an insight into who he sees as responsible for child care and household tasks regardless of both being full time. It is selfish and disrespectful to you…

5128gap · 01/11/2021 21:48

@Vee1983

We both pay half the bills each and there's just not enough to pay for full time nursery. It's already costing £800 a month. In fairness he pulls his weight when he's here. I just get fed up with spending so much time here on my own with a toddler. I miss the office and having some adult time. I'm sorry for the rant. Just having one of those days.
There would be a bit more towards it if he didn't go to the pub three nights a week. The cost of that might give mean a few less hours when you have to work and care for your child at the same time.
DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 01/11/2021 21:50

Each paying half the bills only works when you earn roughly the same.

SofiaMichelle · 01/11/2021 21:54

It's not a 'men' issue it's a your partner issue, if he feels he's entitled to leave you picking up everything 3 times a week while he goes to the pub.

Ijustreallywantacat · 01/11/2021 22:01

What about weekends? Can't you give DD over to him for a few hours there? Or make sure that after work on his not-pub days he takes the kids and sorts dinner etc? I don't think 3 hours a week to himself is entirely unreasonable unless he's swanning off for the whole Saturday every week or whatever. The housework can be less perfect, the dinners can be quicker...you have got to try and carve yourself out some time.

steff13 · 01/11/2021 22:02

If he goes 3 times a week doesn't that leave you 4 days a week that you can go?

Arabiannights01 · 01/11/2021 22:15

He is selfish and you need to put your foot down. This behaviour is not ok and you will crack if it continues (talking from experience).
Do start by arranging your nights out so he can see how it feels to a certain degree.

Blindleadingtheblind · 01/11/2021 22:20

@madisonbridges

Lots of people on MN say that they don't want to work from the office because its more stressful going in and doing the commute. So maybe your husband needs pub time to de-stress?
Which is fine as long as he recognises OP is stressed too and needs her own down time. Seems she isn't getting it though and it's not fair she should accommodate his wants needs over her own.
Blindleadingtheblind · 01/11/2021 22:22

@steff13

If he goes 3 times a week doesn't that leave you 4 days a week that you can go?
Does anyone realistically go out 4 nights a week when they have young children? 4 nights a year is about my average.
Swipe left for the next trending thread